CURED.

We are not cured.

But, we are freed up.

I have had people ask me, “Heidi, why do you still call yourself an alcoholic when you don’t drink anymore?” 

Because we are never cured of this disease—dis-EASE. Admitting to myself that drinking is not my solution anymore, keeps me in today. It is a process. I get to continue this path of sobriety and protect it like I would my physical condition with exercise. I need to do something every day to exercise and maintain my sobriety to keep it strong. 

I know that when you have a disease, you have to actively treat it. Some diseases have a cure, but this disease does not. It is a lifelong effort of treatment for me. Treatment involves connecting and engaging with life. Meetings are my medicine.

My saying that “I am an alcoholic in recovery,” says to others that I am like them and we are on this path of recovery together. We can’t do it alone. My thinking is still flawed. Talking with others and getting crazy thoughts out of my head and onto paper, helps me organize my thoughts. Helps me decide which of those thoughts serve me and which I can discard. Saying it out loud in meetings helps take the power out of it for me.

I have phrases or mantras to keep me focused. One of them is “look up.” I can obsess about all I am doing, staying self-centered. Or I can look up around me where I might be of service to another, taking the focus off of me. Then, I look up and focus on God, giving him what is not mine to fix or change—”pray up.” Praying for God’s will for me and asking for the power to carry that out. 

Another phrase I use on myself is, “just show up.” Sometimes I don’t want to be with people or I don’t feel “on” so I want to cancel a commitment. That starts the process backward of hiding or checking out. I have to show up, whether I want to or not. Sometimes it is just what I need to do to stay sober and reconnect for that day.

I am not cured or fixed. I am still working on me. God is working on me. The difference now is that I am not drinking and fully present for that to happen. Try these treatments that I use, for yourself today.

Look up.

Pray up.

Show up.

Meet up.

“Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security.”

Jeremiah 33:6

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EYE ROLL

When I first got sober, I was very much in self-will about life in general. And, drinking specifically. I tried to stop drinking on my own. I found I could not stop on my own. I was not capable of admitting I was powerless over alcohol or my thinking—over everything, for that matter. If I could have stopped on my own, I would have.

I wanted to play in this world on my terms. My will. I needed alcohol to cope with everything, including how others were behaving. Not considering my own behaviors and coping-mechanisms. It was easier to check out and not think about it—not engage with you because it wasn’t the way I wanted to do it. Never considering another person’s opinion or what they were suggesting might make sense. As in, suggesting I might get sober and work the 12-steps and look at a few things differently.

When I finally surrendered my will over to God, I was able to stop drinking, change my behaviors, my thinking and my attitude. I got a sponsor and worked the 12-steps. I was available again for, not only myself, but available for you. Not through my will, but God’s Will. I needed to be willing.

I find myself eye-rolling more than I want to. This is one of my indicators that I am not at peace and accepting this world as it is—not as I would have it.

What does that mean?

It means I am remaining in my head and judging everything around me. Not accepting that person, place or thing for what it is. That assumes I have all the answers and I am right all of the time. Pronouncing on others: “You aren’t doing it right. That is a ridiculous decision. You are crazy for thinking that…” Then dismissing them and walking away. Eye-rolling when I don’t agree or it doesn’t align with my perspective, which I deemed always correct, ha ha. I have discovered that God did not leave me in charge of any given situation. This is arrogance on my part.

If I decide to judge you or your thoughts as, “not worth my time” I become the loser in the situation. If I open my mind, I may actually learn something I don’t know. When I become humble and practice listening, stop eye-rolling and throwing shade, I can ask, “Tell me more about why you think that way? What is your motivation behind that behavior.”

I might be surprised at what I discover about this person. I have to be willing to wade into the mess with others like they did with me. Like God did with me. To not jump into the pit with them and take it on myself, but just receive what they are saying. Pray with them. I can be of service in this way.

That’s what someone did for me when I got sober—

They reached out.

They listened.

They cared.

They prayed.

God’s Will, not mine, be done.

“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.”

James 4:10

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OFF SWITCH

A phrase I remember my dad saying to me when I was little was,

 “Heidi, do everything in moderation.”

What? Where is the fun in that?

When I was drinking, moderation didn’t get the job done. It was boring. I was all in or not at all. Rarely the “not at all” part. Ha ha. If two beers were good, five or six would be way more fun. More is better right?

Wrong—I didn’t have an “off” switch. There was no setting in my brain for less—just all or none. Once I was into the drinking, there was no thinking or reasoning beyond that—just more.

That is the addictive mind. 

Can you relate?  You might have questions like:

• How did you find the “off" switch? 

• How did you not drink the first one?

• How did you have fun without alcohol?

I know you have more questions…but the simple answer to all of these in sobriety is that I had to retrain my brain to think and choose differently.

First, I could not do it alone. I had to surrender to help from God. Pray for strength. Then, be with others in meetings making the same journey. Seeing how others, like myself lived their lives sober and productive. Finding out there is hope for change, I want to serve others and give them hope too. When I stopped drinking just for this day, I found out that I could get through one day without alcohol. Then I tried it again the next day. A little weird at first, feeling vulnerable, helpless, shaky. The next day became a little easier.

Going through an experience the first time without alcohol and knowing it is possible to be with people and laugh and have fun, lets me know it can be done. Letting my body get used to functioning with out it, or more importantly, my brain getting used to it. My thoughts became clearer. Then my actions followed. Physical activity helped. Walking, exercise, getting out and connecting with others.

In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Dr. William Silkworth referred to alcoholism as “an allergy of the body and obsession of the mind.” —“one is too many, a thousand is never enough,” when referencing how the craving can take over.

Once we get past the physical withdrawal, we need to deal with the mind. Our thinking is still there…healthy responses to our thoughts need to be retrained. It is like exercise, not a “one and done” thing. A routine that needs to be repeated to retrain my brain. I find meetings really helpful to hear others share their process.

I don’t need the extremes to thrive. It is possible to live in the middle ground of peace. You don’t have to go it alone.

Surrender. Pray. Meet. Serve.

You can do this.

I know it is possible.

Come join us.

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

Romans 12:2

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F.I.N.E.

I’m Fine.

Really.

Well, that’s what I was hoping you would believe—what I was presenting on the outside that covered the real story buried deep inside. Much like the stories obsessively posted on Facebook and Instagram of the perfect life, not revealing the fear and insecurities going on behind the scenes. Social media posting being another form of addiction and obsession assuring ourselves that we are FINE and getting agreement about it with Likes.

One of my friends in my recovery meetings often says when she shares, “I’m from the FINE Family. Everything is fine. We don’t talk about anything, don’t feel, don’t share what’s really going on...”

F.I.N.E. — Fearful, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional

When I was deep in my disease of alcoholism, I was not dealing with what was real in my own mind, but drinking and blurring reality. Outside of my mind, I thought I was I expected to show YOU what was going on inside. The only thing I knew to do was pretend. Lie. Drink more. Put on a happy face. Present a rosy exterior so you believed I was okay—FINE.

Furthermore, who really expects a deep and real answer to the question we quite often greet each other with, “How are you?” “Fine. How are you?” Then we move on to surface conversation. Nobody really expects to hear, “Well, I’m not really okay. I’m a mess. I’m falling apart.”

That last answer is well-received in a recovery meeting. Whew, good thing!

I go there to hear people share their real stories of how unmanageable their lives were when they stumbled into the rooms of recovery. Then, we sit there in our meetings and slowly heal by hearing others like ourselves tell the unpolished version of their story and their life.

If I stay long enough, I get to watch transformation happen. The miracles. Slowly. One-day at-a-time. And, watch the process turn around from the unreal picture of FINE, to the grace-filled picture of FINE in sobriety—

F.I.N.E. — Free, Inspired, Nourished, and Empowered.

Free from the bondage of self and addiction, Inspired to participate in life again, Nourished by the fellowship and spirituality I see in my fellows that are healing too. And, Empowered to purpose again and to being of maximum service to God and to others.

We break the chains of secrecy by coming into the light of recovery.

A different kind of FINE in sobriety.

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”

James 5:16

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MY QUIET BOYS

Very recently, I lost my brother and then, my dog, ten days later. Both were struggling with their bodies not working anymore. Loss is hard in any case. The tears have been nonstop. I am grappling with holding Joy and Sadness in the same space. As a friend said to me, “It’s amazing how God created us to be able to hold seemingly contradictory emotions inside us at the same time.”

So true.

And, my nephew said to me, “I do believe this is where the Holy Spirit comes through as our comforter and gives us assurance that we humans don’t know how to give to one another.” he also said, “Roger was the quietest in the room and yet everyone was drawn to him.” 

I could say that about both Roger AND my dog, Dash, my quiet boys—exuding love without words most of the time (Dash, all of the time.) My older brother, always there by my side. My dog, always there by my feet. 

There is a Hebrew word from the Bible that describes this kind of love—Hesed—Steadfast. Devoted. Loyal. Unending love. 

My recovery story includes two deaths (dog and human) taking me to my bottom almost 20 years ago…putting my 16-year-old dog, Willy, to sleep and within a month, experiencing the death of a family member being killed in Afghanistan. After losing those two, I drank—never drawing a sober breath until July 12th 2004, when I got sober. 

Drinking was my answer to the pain of loss then. Here I am now, again—

Drinking is NOT my answer now. 

I know what to do now. Pray and stay connected to others. Let myself feel the sadness and the joy of the memories. 

I know God has us covered and I feel peace. I CAN walk through this without checking out. I want to feel all of the emotions and crushing sadness because it is proof of the love I had for them both. Different kinds of love, but the sting of loss feels the same.

Pressing through the sadness to get to remembering the memories of joy they both brought to my life. Learning to hold joy and sadness together in the same space... 

Not checking out.

Running to the comfort of God.

If I can do this, so can you.

“For we walk by faith, not by sight. We are confident, yes well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord.” 

2 Cor. 5:7-8

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PERCEIVED REALITY

FEAR is my own perceived reality and is a chosen reaction to my immediate world around me.

F.E.A.R. 

— False Evidence Appearing Real

I don’t have to believe the evidence before me about how others are acting or reacting. I don’t have to take what is happening out there around me personally. I don’t have to internalize the opinions around me as fact. I don’t have to suffer in other people’s reality. I know that feelings are not facts. I can wait until the feeling passes.

And, best of all, I can turn the acronym of F.E.A.R. to this:

— Face Everything And Recover

How do I do this?

By asking myself these questions—

What is true? Is what is going on outside of me, mine to carry or take on? If it is their issue to carry, how can I help and not just walk away? If there is nothing for me to do, can I walk away without guilt or blame? And, lastly, how can I pray for that person or the situation to be resolved? 

I love this quote that a friend just sent to me that helps her:

“Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality and dreams. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.” — Miguel Ruiz

I know that FEAR is not from God. 

I can be in FAITH. 

FEAR and FAITH cannot live in me at the same time.

I choose FAITH today.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Isaiah 41:10

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ANOTHER ADDICTION?

It all started 20 years ago when I watched a friend take a photo of her food with her new flip phone. What? A camera on a phone? And why would you want to take a photo of your food?  She said “To send to a friend." I mused why would her friend need to know what she was eating? Now, we are all trained to see every detail of what everybody is doing—on our phones. 

Looking around now, phones are everywhere. A smartphone in every hand. Some taking video, photos or selfies. People looking down on their phones lost in their own world scrolling through social media or the internet. I am guilty of this. Too much time on the phone, texting, reading emails…whatever. Not participating in the world around me. 

For me, I had replaced alcohol with another addiction. My phone.

Definition of Addiction:

"An addiction is a chronic dysfunction of the brain system that involves reward, motivation, and memory. It’s about the way your body craves a substance or behavior, especially if it causes a compulsive or obsessive pursuit of “reward” and lack of concern over consequences."

This describes my phone. Social media became, not only a time drain, but a distraction from the moment and living each day as fully as possible. After all, this is what I got sober for, right? To be present with you and with me in the moment. I don’t drink anymore, but my mind is still obsessing. Social media easily became another distraction from my routine of engaging with life and others. Connecting and being present in the moment.

I can justify my behaviors of texting and answering tough emails and then going on social media to see what everybody is doing—this becomes an addiction just like my drinking was for me. I took it too far and spent so much time wandering around there in social media obsessing on how many likes I was getting, watching others post their picture-perfect lives and comparing them with mine, ignoring my own life and what was happening in the moment or avoiding actual LIVE contact with another human being.

Four years ago, I decided to get off of social media. My withdrawal was only a few days long and I realized that I can survive in the real world without it. Just like not picking up a drink to check out, I had to RETRAIN my brain to another way—Each day. 

To this day, people say to me,  “You can see my vacation photos and videos on my social media.” Then, they look at me like I’m crazy when I say, “I’m not on social media, but I look forward to seeing your photos next time we meet face to face?”

Today, when I think of picking up my phone to “look and see what’s going on…”

I need to be present in the moment with what’s going on—

Go outside, breathe the fresh air, take the dogs for a walk, pray and ask God how I can be used to help another person today, go to a live meeting and hear God talk to me through others’ stories of victory in their lives.

I am grateful for being able to retrain my brain to connect with others in-person today. 

"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds,  not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”

Hebrews 10:24-25

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SURPRISE PARTY

I heard a woman share in her story the other day that coming into a meeting for the first time was like, “They were throwing a surprise party just for me. They clapped and cheered when I told them I didn’t have a drink today.”

Surprise! You’re an alcoholic!

Sometimes we are the last to know. We knew there was something wrong in our lives, but it couldn’t be the alcohol, right? Everybody drinks, don’t they? Just because I drink now and then, doesn’t make me an alcoholic. Now and then. That seemed to be the problem. The justification of now AND then covered all of time for me. This was denial.

We can be sneaky with ourselves and others. Denial keeps us stuck in a place without possibility. We keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Insanity.

So, when the consequences happen and we get the baseball bat to the head, we actually see that what we are doing is not working anymore. That’s when we can start to poke holes in the top of the box we’ve put ourselves in. The light starts to shine through tiny holes. We can finally see how the alcohol might be a problem and there may be another way out of this prison we found ourselves in.

When we put down the drink. Ask for help. Come to meetings. Sit and listen to others’ stories that are remarkably like our own—that’s when the surprise party begins for us. God begins to speak directly to ME through the other people’s stories I hear in the meetings.

Yes, we are holding a place for you. There’s more of us than you realize. We are all here waiting to cheer you on to living in the truth and seeing that sobriety can be the surprise gift you were always wanting and waiting for.

I didn’t even want to BE an alcoholic, let alone a grateful one. Now, I am thrilled to admit that fact. I am a grateful alcoholic. In admitting it, I clear away all of the justification for bad behavior, break the silence that keeps my addiction in place, and I can see the truth—meeting it head on—together with you and with God.

And, the best part...

I get to show up and help somebody and be present for their surprise party!

What a gift.

To them and to me.

You can do it too.

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

John 8:32

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RELAPSE

I don’t often have “drinking dreams” anymore, where I am drinking in the dream and wake up in a panic thinking that I have relapsed. The other day, I had a dream that I was drinking.

This causes me to review in my waking hours, what is causing me anxiety. It is usually that I have fallen out of my sobriety routine. Often because I am over-committing and doing too much.

When I first asked my sponsor to work with me early in sobriety, the first thing she did was sit me down and talk about relapse. What? Arrogantly, I told her I was not going to relapse—that I was finished drinking and was quite sure of it.

She then said kindly, “Relapse is not when you take that first drink again. It is about all of the behaviors that lead up to you taking that final step of drinking again. That is what I want to help you with in sponsoring you. Identifying all things leading up to the actual drinking part.”

OK. That makes perfect sense.

Retrain my brain—heading my mind off at the pass, so-to-speak. Keeping my new learned behaviors in place, like praying, going to meetings, staying connected, working with others in service and not hiding anymore—making these routines a priority.

Some people call a relapse a S.L.I.P. I learned a SLIP is Sobriety Losing Its Priority.

One of the triggers for me is shame of my past behaviors. I can get stuck there. Worry, mull it over, beat myself up over how I should not have done this or that. In our literature, we read The Promises. In the middle of this reading is says, “we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.” This tells me that I have to remember what I did, so I don’t repeat that behavior. Also, in remembering it, I get to be forgiven and thankful for how far I have come. The past brought me here. I say I am an Alcoholic In Recovery because it is acknowledging in those three words the past, present and future. It helps me keep moving forward.

My life is now lived in gratitude and with intention—to keep me from going into relapse-mode:

I pray this verse below.

I am grateful for today.

I have peace for today.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:6-7

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DISCERN AND DEFUSE

I have been dealing with a number of hard situations lately with people—full of upset and conflict. My old “go to” behavior was to run and check out, drink to quiet the thoughts of resentment and reactions I have to those confrontations. In the past, I would have avoided conflict of any kind. 

None of this is helpful for either side of the equation.

I am still learning, but now, I have learned a technique of Discerning and Defusing.

The definitions of both:

Discern: “To perceive with the eyes; detect or distinguish.”

Defuse: “To make less harmful, potent, or tense”; the word has another, helpfully literal, meaning, which is "to remove the fuse from.”

As in, I don’t need to fan the flames and help it grow into a raging fire! I know if I have “heat” on a certain subject, I am emotionally charged about it and can react in harmful ways. 

Discern (distinguish) what is theirs and what is mine. Obviously, if it is NOT mine, I cannot help if they are not willing to see their part. Then what?

Be a cloud.

My brother always said to me, “Heidi, when the storm is coming at you, be a cloud. Clouds don’t push back. The storm will pass by around you. Then reassess.”

This doesn’t mean avoid the storm. I have learned that if somebody has “heat” coming at me for something, and I know I didn’t create it, I don’t need to push back or react in self-defense right away. I need to pause, listen, discern whether this is mine or theirs, respond calmly and deliver a responsible communication—not always easy. The pause is key.

Sometimes that is saying, “Ok, I can see that you are upset. Can I suggest we wait until you are calmer to talk about this. I am sure there is a resolution.”

Then, be quiet, pray about it, walk a wide circle around the person until we have both calmed down. Look inside myself at what I am emotionally charged about or triggered to push back on in anger and fan the flames, and write about it. Then come back and suggest possible solutions to our problem inviting their opinions and thoughts into that too.

This usually works for me. God is at work in me and the other person, no matter the situation, right? I have to zoom out and look from God’s perspective and ask these questions:

•  How can I look at my own behaviors to see what “my part" in this might be?

•  What does God want me to see and learn in this situation? 

•  What is God’s Will for me to go forward on this?

I know when the answers come because I have a certain amount of peace about it. The answers from God start presenting themselves, sometimes in ways I was not expecting and were out of my control. And, nothing like what I thought it would look like! What a concept. I think God knows what He is doing.

Trust the process…

Be a cloud—respond when there’s calm.

Own what is mine.

Act on it when I find peace.

"No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."

1 Corinthians 10:13

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NEVER TOO OLD

You are never too old to get sober.

The “age thing” is kicking my butt. And—I know it’s because I am “letting” it. Not physically, but mentally framing it in my mind—Feeling old, not needed, not relevant anymore, old ideas that people have moved on from, not making a difference…

I know this is not true. It’s all in my head. 

I can FLIP these around in my brain in an instant from victim-mentality to productive and encouraging thoughts:

Feeling old—Feelings are not facts.

Not relevant—Making a difference

Old ideas —Wisdom of experience

I am not always able to do this brain flip for myself. I am grateful that I have a God who is “crazy about me” and sends angels to encourage me and remind me of this. This week God sent a colleague and friend.

A while back, this colleague heard me speak in a business meeting about how I was working with others to create a youth recovery meeting. Hard task on many levels. I said, “The kids don’t want old people like me in the room, they want their own age group.”

He encouraged me right away by saying his experience. His son was telling him how he valued the older generation’s wisdom and how his son sought it out. Then, this week, that same friend sent an encouraging email to me. These were the words that jumped out at me:

"I often think about our brief conversation about youth and who they are looking to spend time with. I want to encourage you to keep going and invest in the younger generation. You have so much to offer, and your love and experiences are what they need. No age disqualifies us. We only disqualify ourselves when we believe we are no longer relevant in the eyes of others.”

This hit me that it is so much like my sobriety meetings. We are not disqualified. We get to make a difference in our meetings just showing up for the new person getting sober, no matter the age. Show them the way and encourage them that sobriety can indeed be achieved.

As others have done before me.

I didn’t get sober until I was 50 years old, and I now have 7,186 days of sobriety—closing in on 20 years. My life since getting sober has been about God using me to lead and show the way for others trying to get sober, making a difference and sharing the wisdom of experience.

You can do this too. Come alongside another struggling alcoholic and show them how it’s done.

I love this little 3-sentence thought:

Know the way.

Go the way.

Show the way.

“He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them His way.”

Psalm 25:9

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NO MORE EXCUSES

I had plenty of excuses to drink. Everything was a good reason. Then, I didn’t even need to have an excuse to drink. Upsetting circumstances were always the thing that would take me down deep into drinking.

When I got sober, I learned that good and bad stuff still happens in life. I realized that circumstances could not be my excuse anymore.

Someone said to me, “You have what you want in life or—you have the excuses why you don’t have what you want in life.” That was a powerful thought for me. I had a say in how it went—my part in it. I knew that I was powerless over alcohol, and that I needed help from God every day to choose to live without drinking. I also have a responsibility to choose to live my life again—or anew—without excuses.

I will always have circumstances that challenge me. It is how I handle them that matters most now that alcohol is not the solution anymore.

I was fifty years old before I quit drinking. Many get it long before I did. I guess I am a slow learner. I tried for many years to stop drinking on my own and could not do it. When I finally turned my will and life over to God and asked for help, that is when it all fell into place. The miracle began.

Now, my life is beyond my wildest dreams. Still challenging, but I can do it all with the help of others like myself and with trust in God. I don’t have to understand how it works, I just have to have faith. When each new day dawns, I am grateful for another chance to be present, sober and help somebody else.

If I can do this, you can too!

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. ”

Proverbs 3:5-6

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COURAGE TO CHANGE

In meetings we have the 7th tradition, which states that we are self-supporting through our own contributions. We do that by passing a basket around every meeting and putting a dollar in each time. Not required. It is very cheap therapy. Sometimes, I can sit in a meeting and learn more about myself than when I talk to a therapist for many dollars more an hour.

I heard this phrase early in sobriety: “A meeting is the only place you can get change for a dollar.”

Funny, but so true.

I am not sitting there waiting for change. I am changing as I am sitting there. Just by putting myself in the chair and listening, I am saying to myself and others, “I am open to doing things differently.”

Why? Because what I was doing before was not working.

The serenity prayer is so important and succinct.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can. And, the wisdom to know the difference.”

Admitting I can’t change you. Willing to change me. And, having that wisdom to know the difference. Cease fighting everyone and everything. Not giving up—shifting direction. Allowing new thoughts to guide me.

I am not even going to do the math on all of the “change for a dollar” that I have received over the years. It is priceless. All I have to do is show up. Sit in the seat. Put the dollar in the basket. Listen to God speak to me through all of the people in the room. Watch the transformation happen before my eyes. Experience the change in me—and—not quit before the miracle happens.

Serenity to accept—Courage to change—Wisdom to know

I know I have changed.

I still have work to do.

I am grateful.

“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.”

Psalm 51:10

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Bear Witness

There is an old hymn that my mother used to sing called "Keep Thou My Way”.

Mom jokingly told about when she was a very small girl, in Sunday school, they would sing about a "Cross-eyed bear named, Gladly” The lyrics she spoke about are found in the third line:

"Keep Thou my all, O Lord, Hide my life in Thine;
O let Thy sacred light O'er my pathway shine;
Kept by Thy tender care, Gladly the Cross I’d bear
Hear Thou and grant my prayer, Hide my life in Thine."

I loved that story. It made me laugh.

And—it is so true for me—Gladly the Cross I’d bear.

It makes me think of getting sober so many days ago…7,165 days ago, to be exact. When I first got sober, I didn’t want to SAY I was an alcoholic. I didn’t want to BE and alcoholic. But admitting it and now telling others that they can be sober too, has become my mission in life. God wanted to use me in this specific way. Dying to my old self and living again in a new way that helped to point others in the right direction and toward God’s Will and Way. 

Being in service like this has been my “cross to bear” and I bear it gladly, while not being cross-eyed anymore, ha ha!!

I begin each day with the Third Step Prayer now:

“God, I offer myself to thee. To build with me and do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I might better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love and Thy way of live, may I do Thy will always”

In the line, “Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help…” God has taken the struggle and difficulty I had with alcohol out of my life, so that I could bear witness to others, so they could know that they can do it too.

God’s help was needed. I could not do it on my own. If I could have stopped drinking on my own, I would have!

I can’t.

He can.

I think I'll let him.

"Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.”  

Matthew 16:24-25

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H.O.W.

This acronym of H.O.W. is the key to my sobriety.

Honesty (You can’t heal what you don’t reveal.)

Open-Mindedness (It’s not the drinking, it’s the thinking.)

Willingness (What you resist, persists.)

When I was drinking, I was sneaky, close-minded, and stubborn. Not good attributes for growth and change, right? At the end of my drinking, I just kept thinking, “I have to stop. I have to change something or this behavior is going to kill me.”

At 50 years old—when I finally surrendered to God and knew that I was unable to get sober on my own, I started to heal. I started to get honest and came out of the hiding and sneakiness. I became willing to do things differently—I finally became willing to change and to see that I could stay sober with the help of others and with God.

First three steps. “I can’t. He can. I think I’ll let Him.”

The most important thing was to be finally honest with myself. Having an honest perspective, I can see how my alcohol use affected others or caused negative situations in my life. Next, I need to be open-minded. If I am closed-minded to anything, I shut down growth, not allowing for any other solution to my problems than the one I currently had—drinking (which was not working, of course.) If I remain open-minded, I become teachable. Then, when I become willing, I am open to change. Pain is a motivator. When my behaviors cause more pain than pleasure, I am motivated to consider new options.

So, if you’re hurting and tired of living life a certain way, and you want to change, remember the acronym of H.O.W.

Be willing to go to any lengths for your recovery.

“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.”

James 4:10

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POWER OUTAGE

I always thought that when I stopped drinking all of the fun would stop. Until the fun stopped while I was drinking. Forget fun! That wasn’t even on my radar. I had to figure out how I was going to just live this life without alcohol.

Yikes. Scary. No clue.

I was having a power outage, not knowing that I had made alcohol my higher power. When it discontinued its usefulness, I had to replace that source. That answer. That solution. It obviously wasn’t working for me anymore.

When you’re having a power outage and the lights go out, what do you do? Call for someone to fix it. Go to the source. It’s the same with my body, mind and spirit. I have to go to the source to fix it.

“God, I’m having a power outage. Please help me.”

Those words saved my life.

I was powerless over alcohol—over everything. My life had become unmanageable. Turning my will and life over to God changed everything. God did for me what I could not do for myself. The thing is…it was NEVER in my power. But, I needed to acknowledge that, and then, ask for help.

I did ask for help and God did—help me. He gave me the strength to walk out of the darkness of isolation in my addiction and into the light. Every day. This day, then the next. With His help and the help of others. Not on my own power. Alcohol was separation from God, my power source. Now I have directed access again to that power.

I promise the “fun” in your life will return. Really. I can have fun without alcohol and thrive with others like myself. I don’t have to be in that prison of my own making. There are others like me (and you) in recovery rooms. We just don’t know it yet. We have to show up to find out. Somehow we find each other and give each other that support and the hug we need—

If you are struggling, ask for help. Don’t give up. There is always hope.

Go to the source—pray.

Then, call someone and ask for help.

You are worth it.

“He must become greater; I must become less.” John 3:30

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EGO

"Egomaniac with an inferiority complex.” When I heard those words, after I first came into the program, I knew that was me—Self-centered and yet so insecure.

I have heard it said that “EGO—is Edging God Out”

So true. When I edge God out, or take that huge element out of the equation, I cripple myself—by thinking I am in control. God and I cannot both be in control at the same time, or there wouldn’t be a relationship. My ego must be deflated and pushed aside to commune with God.

I talk, He listens—He talks, I listen

He is in control—I have surrendered.

Have you ever clung to something so passionately that you simply could not let go? Perhaps the struggle feels like life and death. That’s how the grip of alcohol felt on me. Maybe it’s another addiction that you are clinging to. I was strong-arming God to say, I can beat this (EGO)—when in fact, at the end, I could not stop without His help.

Humble yourself and let go of the control. Let go of the alcohol, drugs or other addictions and let God nestle right in there and complete the picture for your life. I don’t think you’ll regret it.

Try putting God first.

What have you got to lose?

“For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”

Matthew 23:12

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SURPRISED BY JOY

I am not big on being surprised. Ever. I am pretty big on being prepared. Controlled. I got this—Wow.

Me. All about me.

When I think about that, it doesn’t leave much room for anything other than what I expect or what I had planned—pretty limiting. Sounds like setting myself up for disappointment, eh? Yes. This feels like arrogance.

It is.

Admitting we don’t know the answer and being open to faith in God’s realm of possibilities—which are limitless—opens our minds to the impossible. Our minds are limited to our experiences of what we have already seen and done in this world. Faith allows for more.

Humility surprises us with the possibilities of God’s redeeming love.

I needed to let go of my arrogance, becoming humble and allowing for God to come in and redeem and bless me BEYOND what I was expecting. Surprising me with the better than expected result. This is not my natural way of thinking. I had to retrain my brain to think upside down. It’s not giving up my thinking, but submitting to another way of thinking—another viewpoint.

Out of this process, I am “Surprised by Joy” as C.S. Lewis says in his book with the same title. He describes it this way, “Joy is like a “signpost” to those lost in the woods, pointing the way, and that its appearance is not as important when we have found the road and are passing signposts every few miles.”

This was so true for me when I got sober. I found that all the joy had not been taken away from me along with the alcohol. I thought I would never be funny again. Have fun or be joyful without alcohol. Not true.

I found the road—without resistance. The road out of the woods and the little stabs of joy along the way were signposts helping me to know that I could be on this path without alcohol. I could have fun and be joyful again. The path, or the journey WAS the way. Each day stronger. Sober one more day. One more signpost.

More joy.

Surprised.

I like it.

Who knew?

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

James 1:2-4

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NEW DAY'S RESOLUTIONS

Ok, here it is—the start of a new year. 

Most people take this time to review the past year and make resolutions for the new year. Ever since I got sober 7130 days ago, I have not made resolutions for the new year.

Why?

Because my sobriety is a daily resolution to stay sober and do all the things that keep me there. I can’t wait 365 days to restart. I have to choose daily to keep on this path. To review what was not working on the previous day and course-correct for today.

What does that mean for me as a sober person?

• It means going to meetings. For me, that is 4 meetings a week. This is where I affirm my membership in my tribe. A tribe that is on the same path as me. Kinda like a gym membership, where everyone is trying to stay fit together, you know? We gather and talk with each other and stay mentally and spiritually fit. By sharing what we are struggling with today. In doing that, two things happen: One, it takes the power out of the thing I was carrying in my head to say it out loud. And, two, it may help another person acknowledge the same thing and be helped in the process also.

• It means I pray and turn my life over to God. In doing this, I acknowledge that I am not doing this journey on my own power. It helps to know that God is doing for me what I cannot do for myself. I start every day with the Third Step Prayer: “God, I offer myself to Thee, to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always! Amen.”

• It means I connect with my sponsor or women that I sponsor to see how I can be of service today. Maybe meeting with someone to walk through their steps with them.

• It means I write in my journal on the step I am on today. Usually, it is the step of the month of the Twelve Steps: This month is Step One: “Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable”

Sounds a lot like New Year’s Resolutions, don’t they?

These are the practices we are taught to perform every day in our program. 

I hear people in my meetings say how grateful they are for the 12-Steps and this process. They wish that everyone they know could have these tools to practice in their daily lives.

I do too.

There is a line in the 12th step that talks about “...practicing these principles in all our affairs.” This is so true, as we do them daily, we find that they apply to all areas of our lives, not just our sobriety—Step 12 "Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry the message to others who still suffer, and to practice these principles in all our affairs."

Resolve to renew each day.

“To put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.”

Ephesians 4:22-24

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EMBRACING CHANGE

I have not done this before on my blog, but a response from a reader and friend prompted this. It is a continuation of the last blog about seeing “A New Way Out”

So, if you remember last week, I had a reading in the blog by Portia Nelson, “There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk” It was a subtle reminder of the insane behaviors we have in place that keep us stuck in our addiction.

My friend was prompted to write a not-so-subtle response to the reading. It articulates addiction in its raw form before his recovery. 

First the reading, then his response. I hope you find it as illuminating as I did.

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There's a Hole in My Sidewalk

“I walk down the street.
 There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
 I fall in. 
I am lost... I am helpless.
 It isn't my fault.
 It takes forever to find a way out.



I walk down the same street.
 There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
 I pretend I don't see it.
 I fall in again. 
I can't believe I am in the same place.
 But, it isn't my fault.
 It still takes me a long time to get out.



I walk down the same street.
 There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
 I see it is there.
 I still fall in. It's a habit.
 My eyes are open.
 I know where I am.
 It is my fault. I get out immediately.



I walk down the same street.
 There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
 I walk around it.



I walk down another street.”

― Portia Nelson

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"I read the story of the hole in the sidewalk several times. 

As I read, the falling in the hole was my drinking. It wasn't my fault. It just happened. I didn't know how to stop. I was helpless to the addiction because I did not see a way out. As it dawned on me that there were others who were sober, I saw the way out and got out of the hole. 

So I walked down the sidewalk and there was the hole. I walked right into it again, such is addiction. There I was; in the same place with the same hangover, the same self-loathing, and being lost. How would I ever get out? I knew there was a problem but it wasn't my fault. It happened one day that I saw sobriety was an option once again. I finally had a way out! I hurried down the sidewalk and pretended that the hole and my alcoholism weren't there. Into the hole I went! I knew what the problem was. It was me! 

Alcohol was my way of having emotions. It had become my happiness, sadness, celebration, rejection, and all things in between. Alcohol had taken all of life and turned it into a never-ending nightmare with no variation and no light. I recognized it now. I knew how to find my way out of the hole but I kept finding the same hole over and over knowing I would probably get out and find the same hole again. Would I kid myself it wasn't there or would I walk into it willingly on the next pass?

 It wasn't until I made an active decision to end the insane behavior and go around the hole to go down another street that the cycle was broken. The insanity acknowledged. Perhaps the new street would have a new issue to contend with, but it wouldn’t be the same hole. I would have a chance. 

I thank God every day for sobriety. It’s hard sometimes. I'm glad there are meetings and others willing to share their ups and downs in life. I'm glad to have prayer and all of the Big Book literature.”

Anonymous

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New street.

New thinking, new behaviors.

Embracing change.

“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”

Isaiah 43:19

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