I don’t often have “drinking dreams” anymore, where I am drinking in the dream and wake up in a panic thinking that I have relapsed. The other day, I had a dream that I was drinking.
This causes me to review in my waking hours, what is causing me anxiety. It is usually that I have fallen out of my sobriety routine. Often because I am over-committing and doing too much.
When I first asked my sponsor to work with me early in sobriety, the first thing she did was sit me down and talk about relapse. What? Arrogantly, I told her I was not going to relapse—that I was finished drinking and was quite sure of it.
She then said kindly, “Relapse is not when you take that first drink again. It is about all of the behaviors that lead up to you taking that final step of drinking again. That is what I want to help you with in sponsoring you. Identifying all things leading up to the actual drinking part.”
OK. That makes perfect sense.
Retrain my brain—heading my mind off at the pass, so-to-speak. Keeping my new learned behaviors in place, like praying, going to meetings, staying connected, working with others in service and not hiding anymore—making these routines a priority.
Some people call a relapse a S.L.I.P. I learned a SLIP is Sobriety Losing Its Priority.
One of the triggers for me is shame of my past behaviors. I can get stuck there. Worry, mull it over, beat myself up over how I should not have done this or that. In our literature, we read The Promises. In the middle of this reading is says, “we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.” This tells me that I have to remember what I did, so I don’t repeat that behavior. Also, in remembering it, I get to be forgiven and thankful for how far I have come. The past brought me here. I say I am an Alcoholic In Recovery because it is acknowledging in those three words the past, present and future. It helps me keep moving forward.
My life is now lived in gratitude and with intention—to keep me from going into relapse-mode:
I pray this verse below.
I am grateful for today.
I have peace for today.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4:6-7
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