DRASTIC THOUGHT

When I was drinking, all was drama and chaos. I needed to make a drastic change to get out of that lifestyle and thinking. First, I needed to stop drinking. Period. 

Then begin to deal with my mental and spiritual mindset.

Sobriety is about doing everything the exact opposite of what I did before I got sober. Drastically-changed behaviors. I have learned that whatever my mind thinks first as a possible good idea needs to be challenged. I have to ask God to help me pause and review what I am thinking and direct me to the next right step or behavior. I never did that before. I just reacted. I just did things—without thinking.

It got me thinking about opposites.

I recently came across these paradoxes put forth by Alcoholics Anonymous:

• From weakness comes strength

• We suffer to get well

• We die to live

• We surrender to win

• From dependence we found independence 

• We forgive to be forgiven

• We give it away to keep it

• From darkness comes light

I think this 11th Step Prayer or the Prayer of St. Francis emphasizes the weaknesses to show the drastic nature of what the solution or hope will be. This prayer always lifts me and makes me know there is hope.

11th Step Prayer

“Lord, make me a channel of thy peace, that where there is hatred, I may bring love. That where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness. That where there is discord, I may bring harmony. That where there is error, I may bring truth. That where there is doubt, I may bring faith.That where there is despair, I may bring hope. That where there are shadows, I may bring light. That where there is sadness, I may bring joy. Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted to understand, than to be understood to love, than to be loved. For it is by self-forgetting that one finds. It is by forgiving that one is forgiven. It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life. Amen”

There is hope.

“Whoever walks in the dark does not know where they are going. Believe in the light while you have the light, so that you may become children of light.”

John 12:35-36

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SPIRITUAL FITNESS

What is spiritual fitness?

It’s like physical fitness, which requires a work out, only with your mind!  

And, I’m not talking about “over-thinking” or “Thinking our way out of a situation”—neither of those, although it does require our minds to change our mindset and perspective.

The other day, I heard a friend talk about feeling “spiritually homeless”— I am sure we have all felt that way at some point. Alcohol only enhances this feeling, or state of being. We are born with that natural feeling of needing something outside of ourselves to complete ourselves, spiritually, mentally and physically. As if we are “missing something.” That is the feeling of spiritual homelessness. 

I searched for a spiritual home here in the physical world through alcohol. The world could not complete me or validate me. I held on for a while, but was still missing something. Eventually, it was not enough. I knew God before I got sober, but wasn’t talking to God and exercising that “relationship” muscle. I could not stop drinking and get sober on my own. Well, if I could have gotten sober on my own, I would have. But, I needed more. 

I was far from home. I needed a spiritual fitness. A friend the other day talked about learning of God growing up in church and then, falling away as a young adult. But there is a “homing instinct” aspect of spirituality, that once we get the addiction out of the way (the physical) we have access to our own spirituality once again and we instinctively know where to return for that feeling of HOME.

That home for me is God.

This is not a one-time deal. It takes active participation. Daily. Ongoing.

"What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities.” Page 85 of The Big Book of AA

In the scripture at the bottom, it talks about being alert and of sober minded. The enemy (alcohol) is doing push ups behind the scenes ready to pounce in the form of relapse. What are you doing today for your spiritual fitness? Metaphorically speaking, what kind of mental push ups are you doing for your sober maintenance?

Daily Mental Push-ups:

Gratitude list—Keeps me in solution and not the problem

Prayers—Keeps me in the action step of surrendering to God.

Go to a meeting— keeps in active listening to others and out of my own head

Service— Helping somebody else, strengthens my “selflessness” muscle.

What are you doing today for your spiritual fitness?

"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”

1 Peter 5:8

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HEARD

Sometimes all it takes to know that you are not alone is to be “heard.”

I heard this in a meeting long ago—"If you want what we have (sobriety), do what we do—stay in the middle of the herd." When you to this, you will be protected and safe. Especially when you are new in sobriety and are feeling so vulnerable.

Think about nature, when the babies of the herd stay in the middle, they are protected and not “picked off” on the perimeter, by predators. Makes senses doesn’t it? Away from all the influence of what can distract us and can take us down that same path of chaos and destruction again. 

Here in recovery meetings with us, you will not only be “heard,” but you will hear others like yourself. You will be supported and guided back to healthy and sober living. You will heal here in meetings. Many of them in a row. You will become stronger and able to go out again into the world with more confidence. Community. Safety.

Come and sit and be heard.

Come and hear others.

Come and be healed.

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective."

James 5:16

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STUDENT FOR LIFE

A while back, in my favorite women’s AA meeting, I heard a woman with many years of sobriety sharing how she got sober in the 80’s. She was sharing about a woman she was sponsoring coming up on a year of sobriety. While sharing, she accidentally said this, “She was getting many days lined up in a row and was coming up on her “A”—oh, I’m sorry, I meant coming up on her YEAR!”

This mistake really spoke to me, as I related to wanting to get the “A” in everything. Being performance-driven, I always had to get the “A” or push toward graduating. On the other hand, I LOVED school and being a student, so I didn’t want to graduate. If I could have been a professional student, I would have been.

When I was 50-years-old and ended up at the bottom of my drinking, I found recovery and started to go to AA meetings. A few months into the program, someone asked me if I had done “90 in 90” and asked what that was—It is 90 meetings in 90 days. 

Being the willing an “anxious-to-do-this-right” student of the program, I got out my calendar. I marked on my calendar all the meetings I would go to and started in. Well, I ended up doing MORE than 90 meetings in 90 days, being the over-achiever that I am.

At the end of this process, I said, “Now what?” I realized the answer to that was that this was the plan. This was my life now, with all of these meetings. My behaviors were set in a new pattern. A new habit and plan for living that didn’t involve alcohol. Such a great revelation for me.

In realizing that going to meetings was continuous and ongoing, I was happy to know that I would never graduate from this recovery program. I had achieved my “professional student” status and was pleased. Now, I attend 4 meetings a week. It is a part of my life of continuous learning, from others and from God, how to live my life without alcohol.

Love my life as a sober, professional student.

I am grateful for continuous learning.

“Rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with gratefulness.”

Colossians 2:7

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SPIN CYCLE

This is such a great visual on what happens in my head—the spin cycle on the washing machine. Crazy thoughts continuously turning around in a circle coming back to the same place of aggravation. Adding more spin on the thoughts and letting it cycle around in my brain once more. Then again. churning, until the problem seems insurmountable.

What then?

Until I get it out of my head, I can’t look at it with any degree of clarity or truth. This is when my recovery meetings really help. Being with others to say out loud what is going on in my head. Once I put it out here in the world to others, either speaking it or in writing, I can get a different perspective on it. Doing this takes so much power out of the situation that was living in my head. All of the spin and judgement I was adding to it in my head falls away.

It never looks quite as ominous out here in the world outside my head. Speaking it out or writing it on paper, I can see how this may not be the truth. That in the spin cycle in my brain, as in the laundry cycle, I can add detergent to whitewash — or add more dirt and judgement to it and blow it out of proportion. Right?

Connecting with others and talking about what is troubling me, gets it out of the dangerous territory of my brain. Others can help me gain perspective. Then, I get to give the problem to God and let go of the outcome. That is the only way I can get peace on any given situation.

I can move toward acceptance, which is a word I have always struggled with. It implies for me to just take it and “live with it.” Even something I don’t even want. Things out of my control—there it is. I have learned to shift the word “acceptance” in my mind to this phrase in the long version of the Serenity Prayer, “…taking this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it. Trusting that God will make everything right, if I surrender to His Will.”

As it is, not as I would have it. This phrase affects me physically. It takes my control out of it. It allows me to calm down and have peace.

Try this:

• Tell somebody else—take the power out.

• Write it down in your journal.

• Give it to God and trust Him with the outcome.

“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”

Hebrews 10:24-25

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CHANGE FOR A DOLLAR

In our meetings, we pass around a basket for our 7th tradition of AA, which states, “We are self-supporting through our own contributions.” You are not required to give, just a dollar will suffice.

I have heard people say that sitting in an AA meeting is the only place I can go to get “change” for a dollar. 

Clever, and true. I am not sitting there waiting for change. I am changing as I am sitting there, listening to others’ stories. I am becoming willing and open to doing things differently.

I also heard there —Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Addiction (insanity) is doing the same thing over an over and expecting different results. I needed to try something new. I didn’t think that I could live my life without alcohol because I had not done it before. When I tried in the past, I found myself going right back to what I knew, even though it did not work. It was an external solution to an internal problem.

Patterns. I had to break the cycle and do something I had never done. 

"If you want something you’ve never had, you must be willing to do something you’ve never done.” Thomas Jefferson

Come to a meeting and see how others are staying sober with each other and in community. We are here to show you that it works. We don’t even need your dollar!

Just come and sit.

Listen to others share.

Change is possible.

Serenity Prayer: 

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

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PAUSE. PRAY. PROCEED.

Overwhelm.

In my recovery, what do I do when I am in overwhelm?

I learned from my sponsor, that turning to alcohol to take me away or check out is not the solution for dealing with the stress of my life.

She told me to, “Pause. Take a deep breath. Pray. Ask for God’s guidance. Then wait. Then act and trust God for the outcome.”

Ok. Then what? Wait for what?

Wait for the peace and calm that comes from asking for God’s help and for guidance on next steps for a response.

Oh, ok. That sounds like a good approach!

I tried her approach and it helped me center me. It calmed my brain and made me able to respond in a kind, gentle and loving way. To not jump into the chaos with others by reacting. Overwhelm for me comes from taking on something that is not mine. As in, when others are in crisis and run to me, as another friend says, “Comin' in hot” with their issues, looking for answers that I do not have.

Or, committing to something I don’t want to do or I am not able to do right now. Committing immediately because I don’t want to disappoint the person who is asking.

I don’t have to carry the world. It is not my job. Here is what I am learning in the interaction with others in my life: Pause. Then, pray and ask God to guide and direct my thinking, then proceed to respond and trust God for the outcome.

It sounds simple, but in my head and in my own pride and arrogance, I think that I can “fix” this or change it on my own power. Help this person. Solve that problem. Commit to that person just to please them. When, in reality, I am not that powerful. Ha ha.

God is.

If I turn to God humbly and ask. This has worked for me for many days in a row—in fact, 7,536 days of sobriety. Try it a few times and see. Just a suggestion.

Pause.

Pray.

Proceed.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”

Matthew 7:7

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GROWTH AND CHANGE

I always want to improve and grow. 

Staying stuck is easy. It’s what I know. Moving forward into new ways of thinking that lead to growth is hard. That requires change. I can say what I want to change, but living it is the hard part.

I need help.

That is where prayer comes in for me. Asking for help is everything. Thankfully, God does for me what I cannot do for myself. This partnership is essential for me in my recovery journey.

In my drinking days, it was all about what I thought I could do and had every intention of doing it. Unfortunately, that thinking was very self-centered and self-powered. Don’t drink for a while and everything will go better…I couldn’t go one day on my own power. The next day I was drinking again.

I had to change my thinking to change my behaviors. Stop old behaviors and begin new behaviors. And, getting help outside of myself and old thinking. Starting with prayer, “God, I need help. Show me new ways of thinking rather than reaching for that one thing that will help me change the way I feel. Help me to practice focusing on you and what you bring to mind for focus today.”

Then wait. Look around to see the evidence that is presented. The prayer that I start every day with now, is the “Third Step Prayer.”

“God, I offer myself to Thee —to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always! Amen.”

It allows me to get out of my own way (and God’s way) and focus on aligning with His will for me instead of my own. And, get out of my old ways of thinking and muscling my way through situations on my own, without God’s help. When I do this,  God’s will becomes my will. I am not just saying how I want to change, I begin living it rather effortlessly…

With Gods help. The partnership begins. The relationship becomes one that I can rely on when my thinking goes awry again—and it will. I get to surrender my will and restart— engage again with God’s help. 

Open your mind to prayer.

Try it. 

It works.

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WHAT WE RESIST, PERSISTS.

This photo is so sweet and reminds me of how my recovery works.

I’ll tell you why.

This beautiful flower coming up between the bricks of our patio is called a “volunteer.” There is a pot with luscious soil not a foot away with that same plant flourishing in it. This little volunteer, pushed up through the bricks with minimal soil and little chance of it growing there. It was determined, despite the odds—accepting it’s conditions, admitting it was powerless over where the seed landed—sprouting in what seemed like unmanageable circumstances.

Wow.

This is Step One: “Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable.”

I learned that what I resist, persists. Think about it. If I resist something, I have an adverse reaction—resistance. It causes me to think about it and mull it over and over in my head. I don’t get resolution about it, causing it to persist, until I accept the situation is not working and resolve it—

This is how it was with my drinking for years. I resisted loved ones’ concerns for my excessive drinking and pushed back, “I don’t have a problem. It’s under control.” So, my condition persisted.

Definition of resist: to exert force in opposition

Definition of persist: to continue to do something or to try to do something even though it is difficult or other people want you to stop

Now—I am like the flower in the hardscape. I volunteer to show up for my recovery, despite the hard conditions or circumstances that come up in my life. I am not resisting anymore or finding reasons or excuses to hide and escape from things that are hard. Or, people who are difficult. I am not resisting others’ concerns or for help they may want to give me. I have a chance of resolving it and responding in a healthy way and flourishing in my life—but, I can’t do it alone.

If I can do this life sober, so can you.

I am not saying it’s easy but it is simple. Like the flower metaphor, there are people, close by beckoning us to plant into the rich soil of a sober life, to live and to flourish among others like ourselves.

Ask for help—from others and from God.

It starts with you.

Then, volunteer to show up and help somebody else.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”

Matthew 7:7

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CHAOS OR ROUTINE

Working with a newcomer to this recovery program keeps me humble. Not necessarily sponsoring, but just reaching out and coming alongside the one who is newly sober. It reminds me of my early days and trying to figure out new ways of thinking and of doing things—the old ways were not working. I had no context.

I heard this recently:

Addiction is Chaos—Recovery is Routine

Opposites.

My context for addiction was chaos. I had no idea what routine looked like. I had not been thriving there. Neither had I been thriving in chaos—hence my dilemma. I had a decision to make. I was at the end of myself. I love that turning point in every alcoholic/addict’s story—When we realize we need help outside of ourselves.

The word “repent” means to “turn around” and go the other way.

What is the true meaning of repent?

True repentance is not only sorrow for sins and humble penitence and contrition before God, but it involves the necessity of turning away from them, a discontinuance of all evil practices and deeds, a thorough reformation of life, a vital change from evil to good, from vice to virtue, from darkness to light.

This is my favorite part in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, in the chapter to the agnostics on Page 53: “When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn’t. What was our choice to be?”

Choose God. I did and do not regret it.

Turn around and go a new way.

Simple program, but not easy.

“He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.”

Micah 6:8

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SLIP

I have heard so many times in meetings that people say they “slip” over circumstances happening in their lives and relapse—whether it be a death, or a broken shoelace.

A slip is something that you do on a banana peel, like in the cartoons. An accident. A mistake.

I believe that a S.L.I.P. is and acronym for:

Sobriety Losing Its Priority.

Relapse is a choice because drinking was STILL an option that was on the table. We may not believe it at the time, but, so many things lead up to that decision. We have stopped taking all of the precautions that keep us from finally making that decision to drink. When drinking or using is an option, it will always become a real choice at some point. We will use that excuse, whatever it is, to drink or use.

When I got sober, I realized that I had to take drinking off the table as a solution. It was not an option for me anymore. Some people call that a “reservation.”— “I don’t know what I will do if THIS particular thing happens.”

Just saying that leaves the door open.

My sponsor sat me down in early sobriety and said, “I want to talk to you about relapse.” I was confident at that point that I was finished drinking—we all are confident at that point, right? She told me that relapse wasn’t just about the moment we take that drink—it is about all of the thinking and choices we make leading up to that moment. That is what she wanted to teach me. How to protect myself. How to put the processes in place to protect against that final decision.

Circumstances happen. Good or bad. They will always happen, whether we are sober or not. It is how we respond to the circumstances that affect our sobriety. Learning those tools were so important for me.

Sobriety is a process and program of action. My tools are: Meetings, fellowship with others like me, working my steps with my sponsor, serving others, and lots of prayer.

I don’t want to relapse, so that is my plan.

What’s yours?

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

John 16:33

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COOL CLUB

Everybody wants to be in the cool club, right? 

I was recently reading an article about the actor, Rob Lowe (34 years sober) and his 10 Transformative moments in his life. Getting Sober was up toward the top of that list. He talked about sobriety being the “cool club.”

Rob says in the People article:

*******************************************************

"Getting sober was an incremental decision," he tells PEOPLE in this week's cover story that celebrates 10 transformative moments in the Hollywood icon's life. "It's baby steps until you're ready. You can't do it until you’re really ready.”  

"I always tell people: you can't get sober... I don't care if it's fentanyl, booze, drugs, coke, pot, gambling, overeating, sex addiction, whatever, you cannot stop…for your job, your wife, your family, your parole officer, because you screwed something up.” 

At the end of the day, Lowe says, "You only are going to stop when you're ready, period." (Rob Lowe, People Magazine)

*******************************************************

Later in the article, he talks about his son joining him in sobriety, who now has 6 years sober. What a gift it is to share that with another family member. It IS possible to turn this ship around. Many of us are on that same ship and others in the family may not be aware they are on it. When we turn the ship of destruction and shame around and head back into the light, we are paving the way for others in the family to follow us into the light and on that road to sobriety. 

The disease is often deep in the family—more than one of us is suffering. Just as that is true, more than one of us can end that cycle of shame and walk into the “cool club” of recovery. 

My brother, Roger, and I were in the cool club together. He passed this last year, but he died sober. I will continue to shine our legacy in the family to be in recovery and remain sober to shine the light for others to be attracted to join the cool club—inside and outside of our family.

My sponsor said to me early in sobriety, “Heidi, this is where the party is!”

Yesterday, I celebrated 7500 days of sobriety.

I am saving a seat for you in the cool club.

Come join me.

“To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven.”

Ecclesiasties 3:1

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SIMPLIFY

Turn back to what I know—to simplify.

Return to routine.

These days, I can over-complicate my life and get into overwhelm quickly. I don’t have the bandwidth for chaos, which in my drinking days I seemed to thrive upon. Sometimes I have to just pull back and be quiet. Start with today. Return to the basics of my own routine of recovery. I need to do what works to keep me centered. 

When I first got sober, someone in an AA meeting came up to me and said, “have you done 90 in 90 yet?” Of course, I didn’t know what that was. They told me to do 90 meetings in 90 days. 

That gave me a focus. All I had to do was go to a meeting every day for 90 days? I can do that. In fact, being the obsessive person that I am, I got out my calendar and marked all the meetings I was going to attend. I began the process. I also attended more than one meeting in a day and ended up doing more than 90 meetings in 90 days! Little over-achiever that I am, ha ha. When I got to the end, I thought, “Now, what?”—It occured to me that it was now a part of my daily routine and my life. 

What a concept. 

Retraining my brain to incorporate those meetings into my daily life. Routine Maintenance. I used to despise the word routine, because it seemed so boring. But now I count on it for my stability. We can break the cycle of addiction, which is partly habit (routine.) The addiction cycle is what we think works for us, but in reality, is temporary and not helpful for a healthy lifestyle.

Now, I count on the basic routine every day: 

• Say the Third Step Prayer each morning 

• Pray for God’s Will for how to serve others.

• Go to meetings

The Third Step Prayer

"God, I offer myself to Thee—
To build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.
 Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness
to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.
May I do Thy will always! Amen."

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NEVER CURED.

We are never cured. But we are freed up.

We have to stay connected and stay in today.

I have had people ask me, “Heidi, why do you still call yourself an alcoholic after all these years, when you don’t drink anymore?” 

Because we are never cured of this disease—dis-EASE. Admitting to myself that drinking is not my solution anymore, keeps me in today. It is a process. I get to continue this path of sobriety and protect it like I would my physical condition with exercise. I need to do something every day to exercise and maintain my sobriety to keep it strong. 

Meeting and connecting with others is one of the best ways of doing that. I have never been comfortable calling alcoholism a disease. But I do know that when you have a disease, you have to actively treat it. Some diseases have a cure, but this disease does not. It is a lifelong effort of treatment for me. I have a dis-EASE with others and with life. My tendency is to check out or withdraw. That is not a treatment solution. My treatment involves reconnecting and engaging with life that helps me not withdraw and check out.

My saying that “I am an alcoholic in recovery,” says to others that I am like them and we are on this path of recovery together.

We can’t do it alone.

Come join us today.

Today is the day.

"This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." 

Psalm 118:24

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UNDER THE INFLUENCE

New Year—2025

Time to review. 

I never got a DUI when I was still drinking. I should have gotten one because I drove many times under the influence of alcohol. I just didn’t get caught. When I was drinking, I was only concerned with me and what I was doing. Under the influence of alcohol, I was more me. I was self-centered and totally under my own power and influence. I made many poor decisions out of that mindset. Nobody could tell me what to do. I knew everything. I was self-reliant. Yeah, I’m good. Don’t bother me. I don’t need help.

I tried to stop drinking for many years on my own power. When I finally admitted I could not stop on my own, I surrendered and asked God to help me. If I could have gotten sober on my own, I would have. Not until I admitted that I was powerless and surrendered to God, did I finally get sober. I was no longer under the influence of what was confusing me—alcohol. 

When alcohol was removed from the equation, I was no longer separated from access to God’s influence in my life. I turned my will over to God. My obsession to drink was removed. 

I started to watch others who were able to live this life so fully and without alcohol. How were they doing this? They had an influence on me too. I could see they were not doing it alone or on their own power. The way was shown to me. In meetings. Connection with God. Connection with others like myself. God magically began to put people in my life that would walk beside me, like my sponsor, that asked me challenging questions. “How’s that working for you?”  

I started working the 12 Steps with my sponsor. She pointed out things I could not see on my own. I looked inside and reviewed. I examined motives for my behaviors and became willing to change. I was astonished. My eyes were opened. I was influenced in a good way.

For me, it was not just stopping drinking, it became a new way of thinking. I was now consulting God first. Praying for His will, not my own. Then stepping outside myself and thinking of others. What positive influence can I have on others around me who still struggle?

In the 12th Step it says, “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry the message to others, and practice these principles in all our affairs.” 

Just by living this program, we show the way. We may never get to know how we have made a difference for others, but we continue to show the way, like it was shown to us. What a miracle I have been given. Now, I am under the influence of the greatest power of all—God. He guides my every step.

If you are still suffering, reach out. Come and join us in a meeting. We will walk this recovery road with you.

You are not alone.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Isaiah 41:10

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LOSS

Death has been a big part of my recovery story. Maybe yours too. Death took me to my bottom and I have experienced many deaths in recovery—It is not an excuse to drink and check out anymore. This time of year is particularly hard for me and for many who have lost family. 

Grief overwhelmed me in a huge way yesterday morning. It has a way of sneaking up when you least expect it. I have been in denial about my sadness over the loss of my brother, Roger, since he died in late April—then losing my dog ten days later.

My grief this morning came in the form of a panic attack. I could not breathe. I could not be still. I could not move. Heart beating out of my chest. Nauseous. Body frozen.

I started to pray and could not even do that. Self-centered fear overwhelmed me. My husband came into my office and didn’t say a word. He just sat next to me calmly. My young, usually crazy dog, felt my emotional state and sat next to me on the other side calmly. And then the tears came.

Huge tears of sadness for my brother. I had not had that deep of a cry yet. It felt like the dam broke. Healing tears. Holy tears. Joy for him, sadness for me and my family not having him here for the first Christmas in over 70 years. Holding joy and sadness together in my heart. It is possible to hold those two emotions together.

I am writing about it to share with you what I learned to do in recovery instead of drink. I don’t have that option to drink over it anymore. For the first time, I wanted to drink to change the way I felt. I have not felt that urge for 7,473 days in a row (over 20 years) of being sober. My obsession to drink was lifted by God in early sobriety—I know I won’t drink.

You know why?

I know what to do now. 

I learned it in recovery meetings when I first got sober. It is still working for me today. I shared that I felt like drinking out loud to my husband. I called my nephew. He prayed a healing prayer over me. I let the tears flow and hung in the sadness for however long it took. The wave passed. I stayed by myself and protected my heart for the day. Not isolation, just self-care. I learned that’s ok to do. 

I was finally able to pray again. Connection with God and my world. Walk out the door and know I would be ok and stay sober in the process.

Today, I am praying for you this Holiday season. It brings up so many memories—good and bad—from the past for us all. Also, praying that my sharing this will help you know that you are not alone.

Christmas is the hope for all the world. Light has come. My focus is on the knowledge that my Savior has come to save us all. 

That is Hope.

For me. 

And, for you.

“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.” Romans 8:26-27

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”    Matthew 5:4 

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TRY IT.

Stressed out from all that is going on in this holiday season?

Lots of parties. Lots of drinking. High level of noise and intense interactions. I am out of my routine of recovery. All things that caused me to take myself down a notch with alcohol in the past. I don’t have the option of drinking anymore as a solution. 

What do I do now?

I pray silently and give it to God in the moment, "Give me peace, God. Center me and help me to show up without alcohol in me. Help me to stay in your light. Help me to shine light into the darkness of the pain I might be watching, that is masked with alcohol and drugs in those around me."

Then, if it gets to be too much, I take a break. Go outside. Remove myself for a minute or two. Breathe. Calm. Then head back in. If I continue to feel highly stressed by crazy behavior, I politely leave and take myself out of the mix. It’s ok to do that. They won’t remember anyway, right?

These are all healthy behaviors to keep myself safe from joining into the crazy behaviors that escalate with the amount of alcohol and drugs being consumed around me.

Prayer works for me. Try it.

My sponsor calls this, “The comin’ in season” from now until after the first of the year. People often having their last bad drinking and using cycles before their bottom. It’s hard to watch.

Take care of yourself. Especially if you are newly sober. It’s ok to protect yourself. It’s not selfish—self-care is not selfish. Your sobriety is sacred. Protect it.

Show up.

Try praying—

More than once.

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances."

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 

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ONGOING PATH

We are in the 12th month of this year, so that means, in our 12-Step program, we are on Step 12. We usually focus on one step per month throughout the year, then start again on Step 1 at the beginning of the year.

Step 12:

“Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry the message to others who still suffer, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”

While sitting in a meeting the other day, I had a new realization that had never crossed my mind before in all my years of sobriety. It was about the 12th Step—The 12th step is the greatest “closing statement” in the case for why we take the 12 steps in recovery—in three parts. The court of public opinion wants to think that when we stop drinking/using and complete the steps, that we are “fixed!” 

This is laughable for those of us who take recovery seriously. 

The three parts to the 12th Step:

1.) Now, as the result of taking the 12 Steps, we have had a spiritual awakening. As we review what needs to be changed in us while taking the steps, we come to a new understanding, an awakening, if you will. That we are not doing this alone, or under our own power.

2.) We carry the message to others who still suffer—we can’t give away what we don’t have, so we actually have to take the steps to receive the benefit—so we can now give it away. Guide another through The Steps. 

3.) Then, we keep practicing them daily. Then we start over with the steps in our own lives and with the people we are guiding. My recovery is ongoing.

The most important thing about this 12th Step closing statement is that it leaves the door wide open for us to continue on the path for our growth. Keep practicing. We are not finished. It’s never finished. Our growth and learning is ongoing and continuous.

• Spiritual result.

• Carry the message to others.

• Keep practicing daily—ongoing.

“Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”

Psalm 90:12


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ALCOHOLISM A DISEASE?

I have always struggled with the concept of alcoholism being described as a disease. Partly because saying it is a disease, absolves me of responsibility or choice in the condition. In one sense, theoretically, it is a disease. And, the treatment is a daily spiritual solution coupled with the action of taking the 12-Steps. 

In the spiritual solution we have to admit, while it was a choice when we started drinking, the escalation of the addiction to alcohol, rendered us powerless to stop on our own—both physically and spiritually. It became clear we had no choice in the matter at our bottom. The Big Book of A.A. describes in the Doctor’s Opinion: “…an allergy of the body coupled with the obsession of the mind.” This is the nature of addiction. The action part, which is up to us for healing, is taking the 12-Steps with our sponsor.

If you have cancer, you begin treatment to arrest it or heal it. My individual “treatment” or “medicine” for my disease of alcoholism is: Stop drinking, surrender to God, prayer, meetings, connection with others, and continue the process daily.

Others struggle with addiction being a moral issue. I love the way this passage from As Bill See’s It, page 32, articulates how I feel about it:

Moral Responsibility "Some strongly object to the A.A position that alcoholism is an illness. This concept, they feel, removes moral responsibility from alcoholics. As any A.A. knows, this is far from true. We do not use the concept of sickness to absolve our members from responsibility. On the contrary, we use the fact of fatal illness to clamp the heaviest kind of moral obligation onto the sufferer, the obligation to use A.A.’s Twelve Steps to get well. In the early days of his drinking the alcoholic is often guilty of irresponsibility. But once the time of compulsive drinking has arrived, he can’t very well be held fully accountable for his conduct. He then has an obsession that condemns him to drink, and a bodily sensitivity to alcohol that guarantees his final sadness and death. But when he is made aware of this condition, he is under pressure to accept A.A.’s program of Moral regeneration.”

Definition of Regeneration: Spiritual or moral revival or rebirth.

I believe recovery involves our choice to stop, coupled with a surrender to God because we were unable to do it on our own. This is when the regeneration starts. Working the 12 Steps and going to meetings regularly. The process of recovery is ongoing. The work is mine. The transformation and outcome is God’s. It’s tricky. Time got us to where we arrived at the bottom, and only time invested reversing this process will help.

There is still a stigma associated with alcoholism and addiction created by the lack of understanding by those walking on the fringes of addiction or beside the alcoholic. It is confusing to the onlooker how alcoholics will continue choosing behaviors that don’t work for them, and make terrible choices that lead to remaining stuck in the addiction cycle. They, too, are powerless over the alcoholic/addict and the process.

Addiction affects not only the alcoholic/addict, but all those around them. My hope and prayer for alcoholics, addicts and those who love them is for extra grace on both sides.

The 3 C’s of Al Anon: Didn’t Cause it.  Can’t Change it.  Can’t Cure it.

For the many caught in the addiction cycle and for all of those caught up in the fallout created by an addict/alcoholic that you love who are still active in their disease…

I am praying.

Hang in there.

There is hope.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”

Matthew 7:7-8


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VICTIM OR VICTOR

Stuff happens. That doesn’t make me a victim. 

I have failed. That doesn’t make me a failure.

I have suffered loss. That doesn’t make me a loser.

We all have trials, but they don’t have to define us and be excuses to stay stuck... “This is why I am the way I am.”  A victim mentality is characterized by blaming others, while a victor mentality is characterized by taking responsibility and working to find solutions:

Victim 

• Blame others for what happens to them

• Complain and make excuses

Victor 

• Take responsibility for my part and my attitudes

• Apologize and work to find a solution and reconciliation

Even though I don’t drink anymore, I say I am an alcoholic in recovery because it gives power to my recovery (the victory.) I can help others by identifying where I have come from, but it doesn’t have to continue to define me or keep me there. 

I can claim my sobriety date as a defining moment when I step from victim—this happening to me—into victor—claiming God’s power over my obsession to drink and the thinking and behaviors that control it.

The victory lies in how we frame the circumstances and our thoughts. I can rearrange the old patterns of behaviors of reacting to the world around me. By pausing, seeing others as allies in this process of responsible living—I can be a victor by responding in a healthy way.

Choosing different behaviors, not old patterns. Only then will I begin to look at everything in a new way. It’s okay to ask for help from somebody close to you, and from God. Choose a different behavior. Watch the world change around you in response. A new adventure.

First step is to show up. Then, you can step into the light just by how you view yourself. Work the 12 Steps to review your life. You are a victor. Have an attitude of humility and gratitude. 

I have more to learn.

Show up.

Step into the light.

Show the way for others.

“Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord.” Lamentations 3:40

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