Death has been a big part of my recovery story. Maybe yours too. Death took me to my bottom and I have experienced many deaths in recovery—It is not an excuse to drink and check out anymore. This time of year is particularly hard for me and for many who have lost family.
Grief overwhelmed me in a huge way yesterday morning. It has a way of sneaking up when you least expect it. I have been in denial about my sadness over the loss of my brother, Roger, since he died in late April—then losing my dog ten days later.
My grief this morning came in the form of a panic attack. I could not breathe. I could not be still. I could not move. Heart beating out of my chest. Nauseous. Body frozen.
I started to pray and could not even do that. Self-centered fear overwhelmed me. My husband came into my office and didn’t say a word. He just sat next to me calmly. My young, usually crazy dog, felt my emotional state and sat next to me on the other side calmly. And then the tears came.
Huge tears of sadness for my brother. I had not had that deep of a cry yet. It felt like the dam broke. Healing tears. Holy tears. Joy for him, sadness for me and my family not having him here for the first Christmas in over 70 years. Holding joy and sadness together in my heart. It is possible to hold those two emotions together.
I am writing about it to share with you what I learned to do in recovery instead of drink. I don’t have that option to drink over it anymore. For the first time, I wanted to drink to change the way I felt. I have not felt that urge for 7,473 days in a row (over 20 years) of being sober. My obsession to drink was lifted by God in early sobriety—I know I won’t drink.
You know why?
I know what to do now.
I learned it in recovery meetings when I first got sober. It is still working for me today. I shared that I felt like drinking out loud to my husband. I called my nephew. He prayed a healing prayer over me. I let the tears flow and hung in the sadness for however long it took. The wave passed. I stayed by myself and protected my heart for the day. Not isolation, just self-care. I learned that’s ok to do.
I was finally able to pray again. Connection with God and my world. Walk out the door and know I would be ok and stay sober in the process.
Today, I am praying for you this Holiday season. It brings up so many memories—good and bad—from the past for us all. Also, praying that my sharing this will help you know that you are not alone.
Christmas is the hope for all the world. Light has come. My focus is on the knowledge that my Savior has come to save us all.
That is Hope.
For me.
And, for you.
“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.” Romans 8:26-27
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Matthew 5:4
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