GROWTH AND CHANGE

I always want to improve and grow. 

Staying stuck is easy. It’s what I know. Moving forward into new ways of thinking that lead to growth is hard. That requires change. I can say what I want to change, but living it is the hard part.

I need help.

That is where prayer comes in for me. Asking for help is everything. Thankfully, God does for me what I cannot do for myself. This partnership is essential for me in my recovery journey.

In my drinking days, it was all about what I thought I could do and had every intention of doing it. Unfortunately, that thinking was very self-centered and self-powered. Don’t drink for a while and everything will go better…I couldn’t go one day on my own power. The next day I was drinking again.

I had to change my thinking to change my behaviors. Stop old behaviors and begin new behaviors. And, getting help outside of myself and old thinking. Starting with prayer, “God, I need help. Show me new ways of thinking rather than reaching for that one thing that will help me change the way I feel. Help me to practice focusing on you and what you bring to mind for focus today.”

Then wait. Look around to see the evidence that is presented. The prayer that I start every day with now, is the “Third Step Prayer.”

“God, I offer myself to Thee —to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always! Amen.”

It allows me to get out of my own way (and God’s way) and focus on aligning with His will for me instead of my own. And, get out of my old ways of thinking and muscling my way through situations on my own, without God’s help. When I do this,  God’s will becomes my will. I am not just saying how I want to change, I begin living it rather effortlessly…

With Gods help. The partnership begins. The relationship becomes one that I can rely on when my thinking goes awry again—and it will. I get to surrender my will and restart— engage again with God’s help. 

Open your mind to prayer.

Try it. 

It works.

Click on my books below to buy.

WHAT WE RESIST, PERSISTS.

This photo is so sweet and reminds me of how my recovery works.

I’ll tell you why.

This beautiful flower coming up between the bricks of our patio is called a “volunteer.” There is a pot with luscious soil not a foot away with that same plant flourishing in it. This little volunteer, pushed up through the bricks with minimal soil and little chance of it growing there. It was determined, despite the odds—accepting it’s conditions, admitting it was powerless over where the seed landed—sprouting in what seemed like unmanageable circumstances.

Wow.

This is Step One: “Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable.”

I learned that what I resist, persists. Think about it. If I resist something, I have an adverse reaction—resistance. It causes me to think about it and mull it over and over in my head. I don’t get resolution about it, causing it to persist, until I accept the situation is not working and resolve it—

This is how it was with my drinking for years. I resisted loved ones’ concerns for my excessive drinking and pushed back, “I don’t have a problem. It’s under control.” So, my condition persisted.

Definition of resist: to exert force in opposition

Definition of persist: to continue to do something or to try to do something even though it is difficult or other people want you to stop

Now—I am like the flower in the hardscape. I volunteer to show up for my recovery, despite the hard conditions or circumstances that come up in my life. I am not resisting anymore or finding reasons or excuses to hide and escape from things that are hard. Or, people who are difficult. I am not resisting others’ concerns or for help they may want to give me. I have a chance of resolving it and responding in a healthy way and flourishing in my life—but, I can’t do it alone.

If I can do this life sober, so can you.

I am not saying it’s easy but it is simple. Like the flower metaphor, there are people, close by beckoning us to plant into the rich soil of a sober life, to live and to flourish among others like ourselves.

Ask for help—from others and from God.

It starts with you.

Then, volunteer to show up and help somebody else.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”

Matthew 7:7

Click on my books below to buy.

CHAOS OR ROUTINE

Working with a newcomer to this recovery program keeps me humble. Not necessarily sponsoring, but just reaching out and coming alongside the one who is newly sober. It reminds me of my early days and trying to figure out new ways of thinking and of doing things—the old ways were not working. I had no context.

I heard this recently:

Addiction is Chaos—Recovery is Routine

Opposites.

My context for addiction was chaos. I had no idea what routine looked like. I had not been thriving there. Neither had I been thriving in chaos—hence my dilemma. I had a decision to make. I was at the end of myself. I love that turning point in every alcoholic/addict’s story—When we realize we need help outside of ourselves.

The word “repent” means to “turn around” and go the other way.

What is the true meaning of repent?

True repentance is not only sorrow for sins and humble penitence and contrition before God, but it involves the necessity of turning away from them, a discontinuance of all evil practices and deeds, a thorough reformation of life, a vital change from evil to good, from vice to virtue, from darkness to light.

This is my favorite part in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, in the chapter to the agnostics on Page 53: “When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn’t. What was our choice to be?”

Choose God. I did and do not regret it.

Turn around and go a new way.

Simple program, but not easy.

“He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.”

Micah 6:8

Click on my books below to buy.

SLIP

I have heard so many times in meetings that people say they “slip” over circumstances happening in their lives and relapse—whether it be a death, or a broken shoelace.

A slip is something that you do on a banana peel, like in the cartoons. An accident. A mistake.

I believe that a S.L.I.P. is and acronym for:

Sobriety Losing Its Priority.

Relapse is a choice because drinking was STILL an option that was on the table. We may not believe it at the time, but, so many things lead up to that decision. We have stopped taking all of the precautions that keep us from finally making that decision to drink. When drinking or using is an option, it will always become a real choice at some point. We will use that excuse, whatever it is, to drink or use.

When I got sober, I realized that I had to take drinking off the table as a solution. It was not an option for me anymore. Some people call that a “reservation.”— “I don’t know what I will do if THIS particular thing happens.”

Just saying that leaves the door open.

My sponsor sat me down in early sobriety and said, “I want to talk to you about relapse.” I was confident at that point that I was finished drinking—we all are confident at that point, right? She told me that relapse wasn’t just about the moment we take that drink—it is about all of the thinking and choices we make leading up to that moment. That is what she wanted to teach me. How to protect myself. How to put the processes in place to protect against that final decision.

Circumstances happen. Good or bad. They will always happen, whether we are sober or not. It is how we respond to the circumstances that affect our sobriety. Learning those tools were so important for me.

Sobriety is a process and program of action. My tools are: Meetings, fellowship with others like me, working my steps with my sponsor, serving others, and lots of prayer.

I don’t want to relapse, so that is my plan.

What’s yours?

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

John 16:33

Click on my books below to buy.

COOL CLUB

Everybody wants to be in the cool club, right? 

I was recently reading an article about the actor, Rob Lowe (34 years sober) and his 10 Transformative moments in his life. Getting Sober was up toward the top of that list. He talked about sobriety being the “cool club.”

Rob says in the People article:

*******************************************************

"Getting sober was an incremental decision," he tells PEOPLE in this week's cover story that celebrates 10 transformative moments in the Hollywood icon's life. "It's baby steps until you're ready. You can't do it until you’re really ready.”  

"I always tell people: you can't get sober... I don't care if it's fentanyl, booze, drugs, coke, pot, gambling, overeating, sex addiction, whatever, you cannot stop…for your job, your wife, your family, your parole officer, because you screwed something up.” 

At the end of the day, Lowe says, "You only are going to stop when you're ready, period." (Rob Lowe, People Magazine)

*******************************************************

Later in the article, he talks about his son joining him in sobriety, who now has 6 years sober. What a gift it is to share that with another family member. It IS possible to turn this ship around. Many of us are on that same ship and others in the family may not be aware they are on it. When we turn the ship of destruction and shame around and head back into the light, we are paving the way for others in the family to follow us into the light and on that road to sobriety. 

The disease is often deep in the family—more than one of us is suffering. Just as that is true, more than one of us can end that cycle of shame and walk into the “cool club” of recovery. 

My brother, Roger, and I were in the cool club together. He passed this last year, but he died sober. I will continue to shine our legacy in the family to be in recovery and remain sober to shine the light for others to be attracted to join the cool club—inside and outside of our family.

My sponsor said to me early in sobriety, “Heidi, this is where the party is!”

Yesterday, I celebrated 7500 days of sobriety.

I am saving a seat for you in the cool club.

Come join me.

“To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven.”

Ecclesiasties 3:1

Click on my books below to buy.

SIMPLIFY

Turn back to what I know—to simplify.

Return to routine.

These days, I can over-complicate my life and get into overwhelm quickly. I don’t have the bandwidth for chaos, which in my drinking days I seemed to thrive upon. Sometimes I have to just pull back and be quiet. Start with today. Return to the basics of my own routine of recovery. I need to do what works to keep me centered. 

When I first got sober, someone in an AA meeting came up to me and said, “have you done 90 in 90 yet?” Of course, I didn’t know what that was. They told me to do 90 meetings in 90 days. 

That gave me a focus. All I had to do was go to a meeting every day for 90 days? I can do that. In fact, being the obsessive person that I am, I got out my calendar and marked all the meetings I was going to attend. I began the process. I also attended more than one meeting in a day and ended up doing more than 90 meetings in 90 days! Little over-achiever that I am, ha ha. When I got to the end, I thought, “Now, what?”—It occured to me that it was now a part of my daily routine and my life. 

What a concept. 

Retraining my brain to incorporate those meetings into my daily life. Routine Maintenance. I used to despise the word routine, because it seemed so boring. But now I count on it for my stability. We can break the cycle of addiction, which is partly habit (routine.) The addiction cycle is what we think works for us, but in reality, is temporary and not helpful for a healthy lifestyle.

Now, I count on the basic routine every day: 

• Say the Third Step Prayer each morning 

• Pray for God’s Will for how to serve others.

• Go to meetings

The Third Step Prayer

"God, I offer myself to Thee—
To build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.
 Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness
to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.
May I do Thy will always! Amen."

Click on my books below to buy.

NEVER CURED.

We are never cured. But we are freed up.

We have to stay connected and stay in today.

I have had people ask me, “Heidi, why do you still call yourself an alcoholic after all these years, when you don’t drink anymore?” 

Because we are never cured of this disease—dis-EASE. Admitting to myself that drinking is not my solution anymore, keeps me in today. It is a process. I get to continue this path of sobriety and protect it like I would my physical condition with exercise. I need to do something every day to exercise and maintain my sobriety to keep it strong. 

Meeting and connecting with others is one of the best ways of doing that. I have never been comfortable calling alcoholism a disease. But I do know that when you have a disease, you have to actively treat it. Some diseases have a cure, but this disease does not. It is a lifelong effort of treatment for me. I have a dis-EASE with others and with life. My tendency is to check out or withdraw. That is not a treatment solution. My treatment involves reconnecting and engaging with life that helps me not withdraw and check out.

My saying that “I am an alcoholic in recovery,” says to others that I am like them and we are on this path of recovery together.

We can’t do it alone.

Come join us today.

Today is the day.

"This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." 

Psalm 118:24

Click on my books below to buy.

UNDER THE INFLUENCE

New Year—2025

Time to review. 

I never got a DUI when I was still drinking. I should have gotten one because I drove many times under the influence of alcohol. I just didn’t get caught. When I was drinking, I was only concerned with me and what I was doing. Under the influence of alcohol, I was more me. I was self-centered and totally under my own power and influence. I made many poor decisions out of that mindset. Nobody could tell me what to do. I knew everything. I was self-reliant. Yeah, I’m good. Don’t bother me. I don’t need help.

I tried to stop drinking for many years on my own power. When I finally admitted I could not stop on my own, I surrendered and asked God to help me. If I could have gotten sober on my own, I would have. Not until I admitted that I was powerless and surrendered to God, did I finally get sober. I was no longer under the influence of what was confusing me—alcohol. 

When alcohol was removed from the equation, I was no longer separated from access to God’s influence in my life. I turned my will over to God. My obsession to drink was removed. 

I started to watch others who were able to live this life so fully and without alcohol. How were they doing this? They had an influence on me too. I could see they were not doing it alone or on their own power. The way was shown to me. In meetings. Connection with God. Connection with others like myself. God magically began to put people in my life that would walk beside me, like my sponsor, that asked me challenging questions. “How’s that working for you?”  

I started working the 12 Steps with my sponsor. She pointed out things I could not see on my own. I looked inside and reviewed. I examined motives for my behaviors and became willing to change. I was astonished. My eyes were opened. I was influenced in a good way.

For me, it was not just stopping drinking, it became a new way of thinking. I was now consulting God first. Praying for His will, not my own. Then stepping outside myself and thinking of others. What positive influence can I have on others around me who still struggle?

In the 12th Step it says, “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry the message to others, and practice these principles in all our affairs.” 

Just by living this program, we show the way. We may never get to know how we have made a difference for others, but we continue to show the way, like it was shown to us. What a miracle I have been given. Now, I am under the influence of the greatest power of all—God. He guides my every step.

If you are still suffering, reach out. Come and join us in a meeting. We will walk this recovery road with you.

You are not alone.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Isaiah 41:10

Click on my books below to buy.

LOSS

Death has been a big part of my recovery story. Maybe yours too. Death took me to my bottom and I have experienced many deaths in recovery—It is not an excuse to drink and check out anymore. This time of year is particularly hard for me and for many who have lost family. 

Grief overwhelmed me in a huge way yesterday morning. It has a way of sneaking up when you least expect it. I have been in denial about my sadness over the loss of my brother, Roger, since he died in late April—then losing my dog ten days later.

My grief this morning came in the form of a panic attack. I could not breathe. I could not be still. I could not move. Heart beating out of my chest. Nauseous. Body frozen.

I started to pray and could not even do that. Self-centered fear overwhelmed me. My husband came into my office and didn’t say a word. He just sat next to me calmly. My young, usually crazy dog, felt my emotional state and sat next to me on the other side calmly. And then the tears came.

Huge tears of sadness for my brother. I had not had that deep of a cry yet. It felt like the dam broke. Healing tears. Holy tears. Joy for him, sadness for me and my family not having him here for the first Christmas in over 70 years. Holding joy and sadness together in my heart. It is possible to hold those two emotions together.

I am writing about it to share with you what I learned to do in recovery instead of drink. I don’t have that option to drink over it anymore. For the first time, I wanted to drink to change the way I felt. I have not felt that urge for 7,473 days in a row (over 20 years) of being sober. My obsession to drink was lifted by God in early sobriety—I know I won’t drink.

You know why?

I know what to do now. 

I learned it in recovery meetings when I first got sober. It is still working for me today. I shared that I felt like drinking out loud to my husband. I called my nephew. He prayed a healing prayer over me. I let the tears flow and hung in the sadness for however long it took. The wave passed. I stayed by myself and protected my heart for the day. Not isolation, just self-care. I learned that’s ok to do. 

I was finally able to pray again. Connection with God and my world. Walk out the door and know I would be ok and stay sober in the process.

Today, I am praying for you this Holiday season. It brings up so many memories—good and bad—from the past for us all. Also, praying that my sharing this will help you know that you are not alone.

Christmas is the hope for all the world. Light has come. My focus is on the knowledge that my Savior has come to save us all. 

That is Hope.

For me. 

And, for you.

“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.” Romans 8:26-27

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”    Matthew 5:4 

Click on my books below to buy.

TRY IT.

Stressed out from all that is going on in this holiday season?

Lots of parties. Lots of drinking. High level of noise and intense interactions. I am out of my routine of recovery. All things that caused me to take myself down a notch with alcohol in the past. I don’t have the option of drinking anymore as a solution. 

What do I do now?

I pray silently and give it to God in the moment, "Give me peace, God. Center me and help me to show up without alcohol in me. Help me to stay in your light. Help me to shine light into the darkness of the pain I might be watching, that is masked with alcohol and drugs in those around me."

Then, if it gets to be too much, I take a break. Go outside. Remove myself for a minute or two. Breathe. Calm. Then head back in. If I continue to feel highly stressed by crazy behavior, I politely leave and take myself out of the mix. It’s ok to do that. They won’t remember anyway, right?

These are all healthy behaviors to keep myself safe from joining into the crazy behaviors that escalate with the amount of alcohol and drugs being consumed around me.

Prayer works for me. Try it.

My sponsor calls this, “The comin’ in season” from now until after the first of the year. People often having their last bad drinking and using cycles before their bottom. It’s hard to watch.

Take care of yourself. Especially if you are newly sober. It’s ok to protect yourself. It’s not selfish—self-care is not selfish. Your sobriety is sacred. Protect it.

Show up.

Try praying—

More than once.

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances."

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 

Click on my books below to buy.

ONGOING PATH

We are in the 12th month of this year, so that means, in our 12-Step program, we are on Step 12. We usually focus on one step per month throughout the year, then start again on Step 1 at the beginning of the year.

Step 12:

“Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry the message to others who still suffer, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”

While sitting in a meeting the other day, I had a new realization that had never crossed my mind before in all my years of sobriety. It was about the 12th Step—The 12th step is the greatest “closing statement” in the case for why we take the 12 steps in recovery—in three parts. The court of public opinion wants to think that when we stop drinking/using and complete the steps, that we are “fixed!” 

This is laughable for those of us who take recovery seriously. 

The three parts to the 12th Step:

1.) Now, as the result of taking the 12 Steps, we have had a spiritual awakening. As we review what needs to be changed in us while taking the steps, we come to a new understanding, an awakening, if you will. That we are not doing this alone, or under our own power.

2.) We carry the message to others who still suffer—we can’t give away what we don’t have, so we actually have to take the steps to receive the benefit—so we can now give it away. Guide another through The Steps. 

3.) Then, we keep practicing them daily. Then we start over with the steps in our own lives and with the people we are guiding. My recovery is ongoing.

The most important thing about this 12th Step closing statement is that it leaves the door wide open for us to continue on the path for our growth. Keep practicing. We are not finished. It’s never finished. Our growth and learning is ongoing and continuous.

• Spiritual result.

• Carry the message to others.

• Keep practicing daily—ongoing.

“Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”

Psalm 90:12


 Click on my books below to buy.

ALCOHOLISM A DISEASE?

I have always struggled with the concept of alcoholism being described as a disease. Partly because saying it is a disease, absolves me of responsibility or choice in the condition. In one sense, theoretically, it is a disease. And, the treatment is a daily spiritual solution coupled with the action of taking the 12-Steps. 

In the spiritual solution we have to admit, while it was a choice when we started drinking, the escalation of the addiction to alcohol, rendered us powerless to stop on our own—both physically and spiritually. It became clear we had no choice in the matter at our bottom. The Big Book of A.A. describes in the Doctor’s Opinion: “…an allergy of the body coupled with the obsession of the mind.” This is the nature of addiction. The action part, which is up to us for healing, is taking the 12-Steps with our sponsor.

If you have cancer, you begin treatment to arrest it or heal it. My individual “treatment” or “medicine” for my disease of alcoholism is: Stop drinking, surrender to God, prayer, meetings, connection with others, and continue the process daily.

Others struggle with addiction being a moral issue. I love the way this passage from As Bill See’s It, page 32, articulates how I feel about it:

Moral Responsibility "Some strongly object to the A.A position that alcoholism is an illness. This concept, they feel, removes moral responsibility from alcoholics. As any A.A. knows, this is far from true. We do not use the concept of sickness to absolve our members from responsibility. On the contrary, we use the fact of fatal illness to clamp the heaviest kind of moral obligation onto the sufferer, the obligation to use A.A.’s Twelve Steps to get well. In the early days of his drinking the alcoholic is often guilty of irresponsibility. But once the time of compulsive drinking has arrived, he can’t very well be held fully accountable for his conduct. He then has an obsession that condemns him to drink, and a bodily sensitivity to alcohol that guarantees his final sadness and death. But when he is made aware of this condition, he is under pressure to accept A.A.’s program of Moral regeneration.”

Definition of Regeneration: Spiritual or moral revival or rebirth.

I believe recovery involves our choice to stop, coupled with a surrender to God because we were unable to do it on our own. This is when the regeneration starts. Working the 12 Steps and going to meetings regularly. The process of recovery is ongoing. The work is mine. The transformation and outcome is God’s. It’s tricky. Time got us to where we arrived at the bottom, and only time invested reversing this process will help.

There is still a stigma associated with alcoholism and addiction created by the lack of understanding by those walking on the fringes of addiction or beside the alcoholic. It is confusing to the onlooker how alcoholics will continue choosing behaviors that don’t work for them, and make terrible choices that lead to remaining stuck in the addiction cycle. They, too, are powerless over the alcoholic/addict and the process.

Addiction affects not only the alcoholic/addict, but all those around them. My hope and prayer for alcoholics, addicts and those who love them is for extra grace on both sides.

The 3 C’s of Al Anon: Didn’t Cause it.  Can’t Change it.  Can’t Cure it.

For the many caught in the addiction cycle and for all of those caught up in the fallout created by an addict/alcoholic that you love who are still active in their disease…

I am praying.

Hang in there.

There is hope.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”

Matthew 7:7-8


 Click on my books below to buy.

VICTIM OR VICTOR

Stuff happens. That doesn’t make me a victim. 

I have failed. That doesn’t make me a failure.

I have suffered loss. That doesn’t make me a loser.

We all have trials, but they don’t have to define us and be excuses to stay stuck... “This is why I am the way I am.”  A victim mentality is characterized by blaming others, while a victor mentality is characterized by taking responsibility and working to find solutions:

Victim 

• Blame others for what happens to them

• Complain and make excuses

Victor 

• Take responsibility for my part and my attitudes

• Apologize and work to find a solution and reconciliation

Even though I don’t drink anymore, I say I am an alcoholic in recovery because it gives power to my recovery (the victory.) I can help others by identifying where I have come from, but it doesn’t have to continue to define me or keep me there. 

I can claim my sobriety date as a defining moment when I step from victim—this happening to me—into victor—claiming God’s power over my obsession to drink and the thinking and behaviors that control it.

The victory lies in how we frame the circumstances and our thoughts. I can rearrange the old patterns of behaviors of reacting to the world around me. By pausing, seeing others as allies in this process of responsible living—I can be a victor by responding in a healthy way.

Choosing different behaviors, not old patterns. Only then will I begin to look at everything in a new way. It’s okay to ask for help from somebody close to you, and from God. Choose a different behavior. Watch the world change around you in response. A new adventure.

First step is to show up. Then, you can step into the light just by how you view yourself. Work the 12 Steps to review your life. You are a victor. Have an attitude of humility and gratitude. 

I have more to learn.

Show up.

Step into the light.

Show the way for others.

“Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord.” Lamentations 3:40

 Click on my books below to buy. 

A NEW PERSPECTIVE

For years, I looked at drinking as a way to take myself a notch down, relax, not have a care. Not deal with the things in my life that troubled me. It felt like I could think better and it made me feel like I had greater access to creativity—the artist in me. Drugs and alcohol made me “more of me.” (LOL)

This could not be further from truth.

As my drinking progressed, my thinking became more fuzzy. My perspective more skewed. My behaviors inconsistent with what I knew was right. All of that thinking was Ego—self-centered fear. In reality, drinking and drugs took me further away from me. And, it was separation from God. I heard a guy in meeting share the other day, “I may not be much, but I’m all I think about.”—Self. Ego.

E.G.O.—Edging God Out.

How did I stop my addictive behaviors?

1) I took the first step of surrender. I had to acknowledge I was powerless over my addiction, and quite frankly, everything in my life.

2) Then I came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity if I sought Him.

3) Then I turned my will over to God.

Then, I could begin the healing process of reviewing long-rehearsed behaviors in my life that kept me stuck—stalled from moving forward again into purpose. I surrendered that strong hold I had on the crutch that I thought I needed. When I did that, I realized the strong hold it had on me. I could turn to God and ask for help.

I connected with others who knew the way up and out. They showed me how to show up to meetings and then get out of my own way to be available to be used by God to serve others again. Purpose.

When I let go of this false “wall of protection” called alcohol and drugs, I surrendered to God in humility. I was able to access the source of power and to not be separated from that gift of light. That light of hope that motivates me to come out of myself and think about others. To be the person God meant for me to be. To look at this life through a new lens. A new pair of glasses, through which I can view the world.

A New Perspective.

Step into the light today.

Show up for life again.

If I can do it, so can you.

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

Romans 12:2

Click on my books below to buy.

WORDS MATTER

When I first got sober, 7,424 days ago, I was afraid to tell my story out loud. It put words to my bad behavior. I didn’t want to let people know that I had failed. The truth had so much shame attached to it. My story felt ickey.

When, in fact, the truth was just the truth. I had added all of the shame and judgement to it. When I told my story to others in meetings, they got it. Because they had been in the same place at one time.

Each time I told my story and truth, there was a “power” in it that had been released. The weight of it seemed lightened. Easier each time I said it. I was the one who had added to power to the story. It was just the truth and in saying it out loud, I could accept the truth, then let it go. I didn’t have to be attached to the story and its meaning for me anymore. That was part of surrender for me.

The outcome of my story can be different now as I go forward. The story isn’t me. It was how I chose to behave in reaction to my circumstances while drinking. I can choose differently now, with God’s help and direction. The outcome is in God’s hand when I surrender to Him for help.

We are not bad people—just people doing bad behavior—Behavior I can change.

My new words have power to redefine who I am. I can be who God intended, just by releasing the power that old “shame narrative” held over me. This is the concept of meetings in AA. People of like minds and experiences getting together to support each other and share our journeys with each other—that others might find hope in each others’ words—“if she did it, maybe I can too.”

Words matter.

People told me that when I share my story, that I might help somebody else. Wow, I never looked at it that way before. I can be of service to others and God can use me and my story to help somebody else??? My story can be flipped and used for good.

Purpose.

This brings such hope—

For me, and for you.

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”

Genesis 50:20

Click on my books below to buy.

SELF-CARE

When service becomes exhausting for me, it’s called codependency!

I realized after getting sober, I was also a codependent. I heard someone say the definition of codependency that resonated with me: “Helping another person at the expense of myself.” That is the exhausting part. Giving up something I need to do for myself and my own sobriety to help someone else. That is not helping either person.

When I first got sober I learned that the quickest way out of my own spiraled thinking, was to help someone else—to be of service. This worked for me, and I also have to have balance with that. There is a middle ground where I can be in service and still stay healthy.

How do I reframe this?

Self-care.

Self-care is not Selfish.

What is Self-care?

Self-care is being intentional with your time and with boundaries for your own sobriety, meditating, praying, spending time with loved ones or outside with exercise, going to meetings to hear God speak.

We can’t give what we don’t have.

We need to fill our spiritual tank. 

Rest in this day.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

John 14:27

To buy my books, click on the books below.

COMING HOME

Summer of 2004. It was my first meeting ever.

A dingy room downtown, filled with lively and chatty people. I was shaking madly. Not from nervousness, but from withdrawal.

My friend, Dan, leaned over to me and whispered that I didn’t need to announce myself when they asked for newcomers. But when they did ask for newcomers, I jumped up automatically and said loud and clear, as though I had been preparing to do that for years,

“Hi, I’m Heidi, and I’m an alcoholic.”

Dan broke out laughing. At the time, I didn’t understand why. Later, I would understand how hard it is to say those words out loud for the first time. Not for me right then. The freedom and relief in that moment was overwhelming—plus the room erupted in applause like I had just sunk a 30-foot putt!

Actually, I had.

Figuratively, I had been trying to line up that putt for years. Without God blowing it in on the final two inches when the roll started to slow down, I never would have made it into the cup.

Into sobriety. Finally. Surrender. I had carried the weight of it long enough.

I was ready.

I was home.

I was safe.

“Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” James 5:16

To buy my books, click on the books below.

PRESCRIPTION FOR A MIRACLE

In a recent meeting, we were reading out of the Big Book of AA. It was a story called, “Keys of The Kingdom.” I love this story. It was written in the era of Prohibition. She was critical in helping develop AA in Chicago.

Within the story, she talks about 

"At twenty-five I had developed an alcoholic problem. I began making the rounds of the doctors in the hope that one of them might find some cure for my accumulating ailments, preferably something that could be removed surgically. Of course the doctors found nothing. Just an unstable woman, undisciplined, poorly adjusted, and filled with nameless fears. Most of them prescribed sedatives and advised rest and moderation.” —Big Book of AA

I love this. It made me giggle that she wanted her alcoholism to be removed surgically. Me too. She was looking for a medical answer to a spiritual problem—A prescription for a miracle for sobriety.

I found that the only answer could be found in turning my will over to God, first, then seeking connection with others like myself in the rooms of AA. That is the miracle.

The prescription for the miracle?

Prayer

Show up for my life.

Go to Meetings.

Service to Others

It is working for me this day and every day since I got sober for over 7400 days in a row.

Try it.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

To buy my books, click on the books below.

STOPPING.

All of the sayings we have in recovery are critical for our thinking in recovery. Each saying is a tool for us to remember and practice.

One-Day-At-A-Time is one of them. Incremental progress is critical. One day. Just today. Then when I wake up tomorrow, I will show up for that day sober. Each day adding to the next until my incremental day-by-day progress becomes monumental.

We all of a sudden look back and see that we have accumulated some time in sobriety. Not drinking or using for this day too. 

In one of the stories in the Big Book of AA, a man talks about before he quit drinking and admitted he had a problem. He was in denial that he even had a problem. Someone said to him that he may have a drinking problem. To which he replied, “I don’t have a drinking problem. I have a stopping problem.”

A stopping problem.

So true. I can relate.

You may ask, “How do I stop in the first place once I have started drinking for that day?”

I just heard this from a woman I sponsor, “Courage Over Comfort” What does that mean? The courage to stop drinking for today over the comfort of the routine of drinking that I know. 

Recipe for success: Stop now. Pray for God’s help and direction. Go to a meeting and connect with others like yourself. Call another alcoholic. Go to bed sober. Wake up, then repeat the next day.

Stop today.

One-Day-At-A-Time

Incremental Becomes Monumental.

“Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”

Psalm 90:17

To buy my books, click on the books below.

NO. —IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE.

No, Thank you.

“No.”— complete sentence. NO—period.

I have always put way too much on my schedule, over-committing and then, not being able to get it all done. Frazzled and not doing any one thing very well. I didn’t want to be left out or miss anything—so I over-committed, giving just some of myself to too many things.

I think God is calling me to slow down and do SOME of the things with ALL of me and not doing ALL of the things with SOME of me.

My sponsor told me early in sobriety that I have a problem saying “no” to people. I don’t want to disappoint. So I say “yes” and play the martyr role and “resent” you instead—for guilting me into saying yes, when, it was me who had made the bad choice. People pleasing. I don’t get to please you, then resent you. I don’t have to come up with a “good” excuse for my NO either. Just No. By saying yes, when I mean to say no, I buy many more problems and situations to unravel later. When “No.” releases me right now.

I have also heard this helpful saying:

“Say what you mean. Mean what you say. And, don’t say it mean.”

I am taking care of myself in this way.

Self care is not selfish.

No, thank you.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:6-7

To buy my books, click on the books below.