When I first got sober, I was very much in self-will about life in general. And, drinking specifically. I tried to stop drinking on my own. I found I could not stop on my own. I was not capable of admitting I was powerless over alcohol or my thinking—over everything, for that matter. If I could have stopped on my own, I would have.
I wanted to play in this world on my terms. My will. I needed alcohol to cope with everything, including how others were behaving. Not considering my own behaviors and coping-mechanisms. It was easier to check out and not think about it—not engage with you because it wasn’t the way I wanted to do it. Never considering another person’s opinion or what they were suggesting might make sense. As in, suggesting I might get sober and work the 12-steps and look at a few things differently.
When I finally surrendered my will over to God, I was able to stop drinking, change my behaviors, my thinking and my attitude. I got a sponsor and worked the 12-steps. I was available again for, not only myself, but available for you. Not through my will, but God’s Will. I needed to be willing.
I find myself eye-rolling more than I want to. This is one of my indicators that I am not at peace and accepting this world as it is—not as I would have it.
What does that mean?
It means I am remaining in my head and judging everything around me. Not accepting that person, place or thing for what it is. That assumes I have all the answers and I am right all of the time. Pronouncing on others: “You aren’t doing it right. That is a ridiculous decision. You are crazy for thinking that…” Then dismissing them and walking away. Eye-rolling when I don’t agree or it doesn’t align with my perspective, which I deemed always correct, ha ha. I have discovered that God did not leave me in charge of any given situation. This is arrogance on my part.
If I decide to judge you or your thoughts as, “not worth my time” I become the loser in the situation. If I open my mind, I may actually learn something I don’t know. When I become humble and practice listening, stop eye-rolling and throwing shade, I can ask, “Tell me more about why you think that way? What is your motivation behind that behavior.”
I might be surprised at what I discover about this person. I have to be willing to wade into the mess with others like they did with me. Like God did with me. To not jump into the pit with them and take it on myself, but just receive what they are saying. Pray with them. I can be of service in this way.
That’s what someone did for me when I got sober—
They reached out.
They listened.
They cared.
They prayed.
God’s Will, not mine, be done.
“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.”
James 4:10
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