I have not done this before on my blog, but a response from a reader and friend prompted this. It is a continuation of the last blog about seeing “A New Way Out”
So, if you remember last week, I had a reading in the blog by Portia Nelson, “There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk” It was a subtle reminder of the insane behaviors we have in place that keep us stuck in our addiction.
My friend was prompted to write a not-so-subtle response to the reading. It articulates addiction in its raw form before his recovery.
First the reading, then his response. I hope you find it as illuminating as I did.
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There's a Hole in My Sidewalk
“I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost... I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in the same place. But, it isn't my fault. It still takes me a long time to get out.
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in. It's a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.
I walk down another street.”
― Portia Nelson
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"I read the story of the hole in the sidewalk several times.
As I read, the falling in the hole was my drinking. It wasn't my fault. It just happened. I didn't know how to stop. I was helpless to the addiction because I did not see a way out. As it dawned on me that there were others who were sober, I saw the way out and got out of the hole.
So I walked down the sidewalk and there was the hole. I walked right into it again, such is addiction. There I was; in the same place with the same hangover, the same self-loathing, and being lost. How would I ever get out? I knew there was a problem but it wasn't my fault. It happened one day that I saw sobriety was an option once again. I finally had a way out! I hurried down the sidewalk and pretended that the hole and my alcoholism weren't there. Into the hole I went! I knew what the problem was. It was me!
Alcohol was my way of having emotions. It had become my happiness, sadness, celebration, rejection, and all things in between. Alcohol had taken all of life and turned it into a never-ending nightmare with no variation and no light. I recognized it now. I knew how to find my way out of the hole but I kept finding the same hole over and over knowing I would probably get out and find the same hole again. Would I kid myself it wasn't there or would I walk into it willingly on the next pass?
It wasn't until I made an active decision to end the insane behavior and go around the hole to go down another street that the cycle was broken. The insanity acknowledged. Perhaps the new street would have a new issue to contend with, but it wouldn’t be the same hole. I would have a chance.
I thank God every day for sobriety. It’s hard sometimes. I'm glad there are meetings and others willing to share their ups and downs in life. I'm glad to have prayer and all of the Big Book literature.”
Anonymous
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New street.
New thinking, new behaviors.
Embracing change.
“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”
Isaiah 43:19
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