CHANGE FOR A DOLLAR

In meetings we have the 7th tradition, which states that we are self-supporting through our own contributions. We do that by passing a basket around every meeting and putting a dollar in each time. Not required. It is very cheap therapy. Sometimes, I can sit in a meeting and learn more about myself than when I talk to a therapist for many dollars more an hour.

I heard this phrase early in sobriety: “A meeting is the only place you can get change for a dollar.”

Funny, but so true.

I am not sitting there waiting for change. I am changing as I am sitting there. Just by putting myself in the chair and listening, I am saying to myself and others, “I am open to doing things differently.”

Why? Because what I was doing before was not working.

The serenity prayer is so important and succinct.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can. And, the wisdom to know the difference.”

Admitting I can’t change you. Willing to change me. And, having that wisdom to know the difference. Cease fighting everyone and everything. Not giving up—shifting direction. Allowing new thoughts to guide me.

I am not even going to do the math on all of the “change for a dollar” that I have received over the years. It is priceless. All I have to do is show up. Sit in the seat. Put the dollar in the basket. Listen to God speak to me through all of the people in the room. Watch the transformation happen before my eyes. Experience the change in me—and—not quit before the miracle happens.

Serenity to accept—Courage to change—Wisdom to know

I know I have changed.

I still have work to do.

I am grateful.

“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.”

Psalm 51:10

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CONSCIOUS CONTACT

I heard a friend talk about how it is impossible to hear God when we are still talking. Had to giggle.

Sounds obvious, eh?

She said that it looks something like when she is trying to discipline her kids and they are chattering back at her. Wow. Great picture. How can I hear from God if I don’t stop talking and cluttering my mind with the input of the world?

This is the 11th month and when we stop our addictive behaviors and start the work of sobriety, we walk through the 12 steps with our sponsor to identify triggers and problems with our thinking. Then, we continue work with the maintenance—Steps Ten, Eleven and Twelve.

Walking through the 12 Steps, one per month, we find ourselves focusing on:

Step 11 “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out”

Spiritual growth and development occur slowly and only through discipline and reliance upon God. Our relationship with God is our most important asset. And, having a relationship with God is impossible without communication. As we draw nearer to God in Prayer and meditation, we draw closer to our source of power, serenity, guidance, and healing.

To ignore the need to communicate with God is to unplug our power source.

Meditation can quiet our minds and remove barriers from our conscious thoughts. Well, sometimes quiet is hard for me. So much input in this world, TV, phone, other people talking...Even my own prayers can be too loud. I have to force myself to stop talking. Communication is two-way.

Look at the ocean. Look up at the sky, or wake to this overwhelming and beautiful sunrise!!

And—be still.

No peace can happen until that. It is a conscious decision to remain in conscious contact with God.

I show up sober and God shows me His will today.

“Be still, and know that I am God.”

Psalm 46:10

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NOW

I have a problem staying in the now. I always want to know what’s next? Then what. What’s after that? This thought process gets me into trouble and into future-tripping. Anxious for what may be in the future, how I don’t want to repeat my past mistakes. It also led me to drinking to shut off my mind, so I wouldn’t worry. To quiet the torment of crazy thoughts.

Regrets and What ifs. Not useful.

These anxious thoughts take me from this moment and from appreciating what God has placed before me right now.

I had a friend who wore a watch where the face didn’t have hands for the hour or minutes or even numbers. It just said, “NOW” She wore it as a reminder to stay present in this moment, this day.

I woke up sober this morning to this view.

I rejoice in today.

I am glad.

“The LORD has done it this very day; let us rejoice today and be glad.”

Psalm 118:24

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HOLDING PATTERN

I heard somebody say this in a meeting:

“Resentments are a holding pattern for hurt.”

Wow. Talk about a great flight analogy.

We were flying high while drinking and drugging, not thinking about anything but escape. At our bottoms, we either crashed the plane, or landed it rather bumpily and jumped out of the plane thankfully, wondering where we were and how to get to safety.

Drinking and drugging are but a symptom. Once we got off that horrendous flight and we stopped that destructive behavior, we realized we are hanging onto underlying feelings, upsets and hurts that were keeping us stuck. When we take the confusion of the alcohol out of the mix, we see there is a whole flight schedule of skewed thoughts lined up that we didn’t notice before—the list is long. Our upsets, resentments and hurts soaring around in a holding pattern up there in our heads flying around.

Well, the good news is that there is a way out! So, how do we deal with those resentments? For me, it was a spiritual awakening as the result of the 12 steps.

Step One: We admit powerlessness, Step Two: We come to believe restoration is possible. Step Three: We turn our will over to God.

Then, the work starts in Step Four: Looking inside. Listing our resentments on paper. My sponsor drew a grid for me that had these headings across the top:

Name — Resentment for — How I was affected — My part — Action to take

I wrote in the boxes under the headings the people for whom I was holding a resentment. Then, filled in each column and talked it out with my sponsor. So helpful to get on paper and see. Not only did I see what I was hanging onto, but how ridiculous it looked out here on paper and out of my head. I was able to see clearly what happened, what was not mine to carry and then, the most important part about the process—

My part.

It helped me to own what it was I could about the person or interaction. Then, to determine if I was blaming them or just continuing to rehearse the situation over and over, blaming myself. Then, I was able to take off again and go forward into what action to take in the last column. Sometimes there was nothing to do, other than to let go of it, or of them. Sometimes it was to forgive them. I cannot change them. Sometimes it was to pray for them. I can only own my part.

Then, I get to Let Go and Let God — I do my part and then let God do the heavy-lifting.

Trust God with the outcome.

Steps 4 through 9 are the “meat” of the program—the work on ourselves. Steps 10 through 12 are the maintenance steps to keep us in check, stay connected to God, and share what we have learned with others who are still suffering.

The spiritual awakening part. It’s not about me. I become an instrument. I show up sober and willing and God does the rest.

Try it.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”

Proverbs 3:5-6

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MOMENT OF CLARITY

If I can share one thought or moment of clarity that would sum it all up, it would be the simple act of surrendering to God. In my first year of sobriety, I was amazed at the energy I had after putting down that bottle of alcohol (those bottles.) At first, I couldn’t put two sentences together. Then, my brain started to recover. I could think and I took up painting once again.

Early in sobriety I got myself to meetings and sat in the chair. Then I started talking to others and to my sponsor. Finally, little glimpses of creativity began to slip back into my mind and out of my paintbrush onto my watercolor paper. Whew. That was scary, thinking my talent was gone forever. Just the thought of never painting again made me crazy. I had always been able to draw and paint for as long as I can remember. Alcohol had blurred all things in my life. It had become a veil over everything. A fog.

When I finally surrendered to God, I realized how simple it was—let God take control. In that moment, it feels like you are ripping your clothes off and standing there naked and fully vulnerable. But, in fact, you are putting on a suit of armor and protection that can withstand almost anything that comes at you.

It becomes freedom. Freedom from carrying it all on your own. It’s the oddest thing. The opposite of what you think should and would happen. When I surrender, I gain access to the greatest power in the universe. God. Unstoppable. I had tried to stop drinking for over thirty years on my own.

In one simple move of surrender to God, my obsession was lifted. The veil over my life was gone. The fog had cleared just like that!

If I can do it, so can you.

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

2 Corinthians 12:9

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NO DRIVE-BY-HUG

When attending my first AA meetings years ago, some of the women really made lasting impressions on me, imprinting on my memory and soul forever. Their caring. Their service—showing up for me.

The first two women who ever came up to me are still my friends, 6,292 days later (over 17-years.) One came up to me at my first meeting, when I announced that I was a newcomer and said, “welcome” and shoved a bagel in my face. The other handed me her phone number. I still have that little piece of paper with her name and number. Two beautiful, sober, women reaching out.

Another woman used to give the best hugs. It was no “drive-by hug”— simple, quick and on your way—but a long, tight, hug that was full of love. Not letting go for the longest time. She was a woman of few words, but her hugs said it all to me. “I am here for you.”

I felt safe.

I used to look for her at meetings just to get that hug. I try to give those kind of hugs now. It means so much, especially now, since we have practiced isolation and distancing over the last year and a half. Connection means everything. Eye contact. Long bear hugs. Talking face-to-face. This keeps me sober and coming back. My people. My tribe.

When the pandemic hit, I was very worried about newly sober people who needed us. Needed someone to be with, to hold onto, talk to, hug, see their welcome smile. I didn’t think anyone would—or could—get sober on Zoom.

Well, I was wrong.

If we are ready, we find a way. I hosted many meetings on Zoom and saw some come to our online meetings for the first time and hear us talk and support each other. Even if we were in boxes on a screen. Then, when we could meet in person again, I was there to give them the big, long hug they were needing.

Not just a drive-by-hug.

A long, meaningful hug.

Connection.

I needed it too.

“…Love one another. As I have loved you.”

John 13:34

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SELF-CARE IS NOT SELFISH

When I got sober, I realized how selfish I had been in my drinking state. It was all about me. You couldn’t tell me what to do. I was in charge—of me, and whatever else I could control. Not much awareness of you or what was in my path. The wreckage ensued. Whirling dervish. Me.

After getting sober, while working the 12-step program with my sponsor, I realized it was not about me anymore. It was all about service. How can I help you? I really latched onto that.

Then, I realized, being the obssessive person I was, I could focus on You and serve You and avoid my own self-care. This is the opposite of selfish—right? Well, there is something between focusing totally on you or, totally on me. I can do both. That middle ground and grey area was hard to figure out for me. I never liked it when my father said, “Everything in moderation, Heidi”

What? I was “all in” or “all out!” — You mean, I can serve and show up for you and me both and do self-care all at the same time?

It was easier to focus somewhere else for me. That self-care included my steps, working on myself and time for meditation and prayer. I had to be taught that self-care was NOT selfish.

This past weekend, I was able to help plan, co-host, and be an attendee, at a Women’s Recovery Retreat. What an incredible amount of work had to be done ahead of time—but well worth every minute. The day encompassed all that I had hoped for:

- Service ahead in the planning—and the day.

- A day of peace in the Redwoods with women.

- Incredible connections and conversations.

- Time left for special moments for God to step in.

- Receiving others’ fears and tears.

- Cherishing stories told to me by other women.

- Showing up sober and available for God to use me.

The hardest part of the whole day was follow up—the “after” for me. The let down. The sadness that this special day was over. The time I needed to debrief with my women friends. Then, to spend some time doing nothing—self-care, which is hard for me. And, as I get older, it becomes an easier discipline. Because the benefits outweigh the the alternatives.

Self-care. I always thought it was selfish to allow myself that luxury. No. It’s needed. It’s okay.

Stop.

Be still.

Rest.

Refill.

Revel in nature.

Remember.

Be grateful.

“Be still and know that I am God.”

Psalm 46:10

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I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU

Recently, I was thinking about my trip to Zambia to talk about recovery on my 10th sobriety birthday in 2014. It caused me to go through old photos of the trip. This is a collage of a very few key moments.

I went there originally to take materials and books on how to start a meeting there in Zambia at this one pastor’s church. Pastor Wozifera was one of very few pastors who wanted to minister to alcoholics. The stigma there for alcoholics is huge. At the time, his church was a dirt floor with wooden benches. People came. He has since built a wonderful big church there. His wife, Easter, also a pastor, greeted me when we arrived with the words, “Heidi, I have been waiting for you...”

What? Someone in Zambia was waiting for me?

Yes.

I had sent my recovery books ahead of our arrival and she had been using them to teach and wanted more. I was scheduled to talk to the pastor’s wives about alcoholism and tell my story. These women could not believe their ears. Me—talking out loud about my alcoholism story—

Most of these women had six children each, had some sort of domestic abuse going on in their family, AIDS, a shortage of food—all of which they weren’t accustomed to talking about out loud. I remember them all leaning back while I was talking, at first, and kind of resting (you would too, if this was your only break from six children!) Then, when they heard my words of confession, they started to lean forward and they wondered, “Why is this woman talking about her alcoholism out loud?” They asked many questions and all had relatives affected by addiction and alcohol.

I never intended to go to Zambia. All materials and books I had sent ahead of time for the meetings got lost in customs. Never to be found. Months later, out of the clear blue, I heard this distinct message from God,

“I didn’t want you to send books. I wanted to send YOU.”

How could I not go?

Not only was I in Zambia talking to women about alcoholism on the day I got sober exactly ten years prior, I was speaking on the hour I got sober. God was very specific about where I should be on that day. Not in a million years did I think that I would be talking to people in Zambia, Africa ten years later about staying sober—I was just trying to stop drinking for that day in 2004!

I realized that God had taken me halfway around the world to encourage this one Pastor and these women in their journeys—and that was enough.

My purpose now is to carry this message to other people who struggle with addiction as I have struggled in the past. And, to know there is a solution and there is hope.

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13

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I'LL HAVE MINE STRAIGHT UP!

Yes, that’s when it all spiraled down to the bottom—when I switched from many (many) beers in a row, to gin—straight up. Hidden everywhere and then hidden in plain sight. In my water bottle with me wherever I was. Around the clock. All the time. Straight up.

I knew I had to stop, or—while driving, I would kill myself or somebody else. But at that point, I could not stop. My body wouldn’t let me. I was addicted. So I continued a while longer.

I woke up from a blackout at 3:30 pm sitting on the futon in my office looking down at the faces of my two dogs staring at me. Had I fed them? Had they been out today? Had I driven? What had I done?

Panic.

I HAD to be finished. At that very moment I knew I was finished drinking. That’s when I looked straight up and uttered the words,

“Help me, God.”

And He did. The very moment I surrendered, He lifted my obsession.

I haven’t had a drink since that day, July 12, 2004—one day at a time. My husband has crafted a little number on a piece of paper for each of my days of sobriety starting with day one—and every day since! I carry it in my pocket like a jewel. Every day. Today is 6,276 days.

Now I have my life straight up!

“...I have come that you may have life, and have it to the full.” John 10:10b

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COME. SIT. STAY.

We can learn a thing or two from our dogs. They live simply, waiting for the next command, looking to us to guide them. They pay attention to their master. So should we.

These simple commands worked in my early sobriety and even today.

Drop it.

Leave it.

Come.

Sit.

Stay.

Wait.

Heel (Heal).

It’s a simple program, but it’s not easy. If we can take a lesson from dogs and pay attention to our Master, we will get the treat.

Just don’t quit five minutes before the miracle.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Matthew 11:28-30

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HARDSHIP VS. VICTIMHOOD

I heard somebody speak the other day that put these two words in perspective for me.

He said, “Hardship isn’t the same thing as victimhood. Hardship is something you encounter. Victimhood is a choice you make.”

Wow. This is so true.

I used to drink over “hard stuff”—things for which I didn’t have an answer. Oh well. I just won’t think about that and drink. That’ll solve it. No. That only puts off what I will inevitably need to deal with at a later point in time.

I was choosing victimhood. This happened to me. It’s not my fault. I am in the clear. I am the victim here. Justified and righteous anger.

Uh, no.

When I got a sponsor and started working the 12 steps, I started looking inside of me to clean up what was not working. Living in this world requires interaction with others and I can “react” or “respond.” Reaction for me is a knee-jerk action. Sometimes it’s instantly resisting it and being negative or I can choose to—pause, pray and respond in a healthy way.

The 12 Steps, especially Step Four really helped me with this process: “Made fearless and moral inventory of ourselves.” Then in Step 5, I got to tell that all to my sponsor. She helped me sort through my experiences and see what was mine to own and what was not—What is my part in this?

She had me make a grid that had columns—

• The person for whom I had a resentment.

• What the resentment was about.

• How it affected me.

• My part in it.

• Action to take.

When I wrote this out, I realized that some things just happen. We encounter hardships in life. It is how we process and respond to life that determines the quality of our life and interactions with others going forward. I knew that I was not a victim. I CHOSE to surrender to God and He helped me stop drinking—literally lifted my obsession. In that moment I stepped into ownership of my life again and a renewed partnership with God.

My relationship with God is key. I have a big part in that. I surrender to God, even in my fears—AND, I still have to do the footwork. I show up for God’s will, even in hardship. God even says that we will have troubles in this life—and He promises peace if we trust in Him!

I am not a victim.

I will trust God.

I will show up sober for it all—even the hard stuff.

“Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord.” Lamentations 3:40

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

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SEEING THE SQUIRREL

I don’t know about you, but when I was a kid, I loved going to the dentist. Not because of getting my teeth cleaned or seeing the dentist, but to look at the Highlights magazine for kids! Maybe because I am an artist and I see in pictures. I also did not have any bad experiences with the dentist as a kid, which helpled. I liked dentists so much, I married one :)))

So, you may be wondering what this has to do with alcoholism and my recovery. Well, here’s the thing—

I loved the center spread drawing challenge in the Highlight magazine, where you had to find the hidden pictures. It was a drawing with many images hidden in the bigger drawing. The challenge was to find all of them. When I found one, I was so excited. I remember thinking when I would find one, “well that was easy.” Then, thinking—”how did I NOT see that.” Then, thinking to myself after seeing the squirrel in the tree, that I could never NOT see the squirrel in the tree, once it was revealed.

When I got sober, I realized that my eyes had been opened to how life could be lived without alcohol. Hmmm. How did I NOT see that? I was not looking and assumed that I could not live my life without alcohol. When I discovered with God’s help, I could do this life sober—well, you get the idea—

I can’t NOT see the squirrel!

People in meetings talk about getting sober, then relapsing and how being in sobriety “wrecked” drinking for them—same concept. They had experienced how good life can be without alcohol and realized it wasn’t going to be an option or their solution to problems anymore. Thank God we get to “keep coming back!” That’s how it works.

No matter how many times we forget or relapse, we can always stop, realize there is a solution and come back. The “squirrel” in the tree that was revealed to me is this: Connection with others like myself, hearing how others stay sober, and relying on God to do for me what I could not do for myself. He WANTS my attention and my reliance. That’s the only time God can work in my life, is when I ask for His help and allow him into my heart, mind and life. That is when the miracles occur for me. My own will was not cutting it.

The part in the scripture I added below is this idea: “God’s power is made perfect in my weakness.” which means I have access to that source/power (made perfect) in my weakness (when I admit I need God.)

By the grace of God, I have not had to relapse in my 6,249 days of sobriety to realize what works. I am grateful for the miracle of my sobriety every day. Miracles can happen for you, too. Remember these things:

Trust others around you for help.

Trust yourself and the process of working the steps with your sponsor.

And, last, and certainly not least, Trust in God to guide you the whole time.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

2nd Corinthians 12:9

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FRAMING REALITY

How you think of God, frames your reality.

Think about it. I either consider God’s Will for my life, or I rely on my own will. Ha Ha—I know where my own will got me—to my bottom!

When I began to frame my reality differently and rely on God and His plan for my life, everything changed. My perception of everything changed. My reality changed.

I was headed down the wrong path while drinking—of sure destruction and death. I have seen it in my own life and with people around me deep in their addiction.

If you believe there is right and wrong and we inherently know the difference between the two, you can believe we have a “just” God. He is good and He is also just. He corrects when we reach out to him.

I struggle with judgement. Judgement of people, judgement about the world. But, “judging wrong is the right thing to do.” This is justice. If we don’t see something is wrong, it is easier to stay stuck in that bad behavior. If we cannot see it, we deny it or blow right past what is truly not working or wrong and that becomes our normal. The line between right and wrong is fudged and smudged to where the line moves—it is made wider—to include more bad behavior.

When I finally noticed that my drinking behavior was escalating and taking me down the wrong path, I had to change something. The problem was, I was trying to change it from the same brain that led me down that path in the first place. I had to look to a power outside myself for help. God. God did for me what I could not do for myself.

I was fifty-years-old when I got sober! If I could have stopped drinking on my own, I would have!

I needed God to pluck me out and stand me up again on right footing. With God’s help, I had power to do things differently. To not have to drink as a solution. To show up sober and whole and ready for service to others.

Out of my head. Out of my control. Out of my will.

I must stay in God’s Will to frame my new reality.

You can do this too.

“I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him.”

Psalm 40:1-3

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DOUBLE DOWN

While drinking, any chance I could, I would make mine a double.

More is better, right?... Well, not always.

More alcohol for me just took me further from reality, sanity and the truth.

Separation from God. Making it a double, got me drunk faster.

So, if that’s the case, in sobriety, it must follow that if I double my efforts to stay sober, it would get me to safety faster, closer to reality, sanity or truth, right? Not separated from God, my source of power. I have to expand my thinking to ensure my recovery stays in place. If I put half the effort into sobriety that I put into my drinking career, I just might stay sober.

Holy cow. Do the math. If I double down on my efforts to stay sober, I could not only ensure my own recovery, but have energy to help someone else stay sober too!

Definition of Double Down:

1) to double the original bid in blackjack in exchange for only one more card

2) to become more tenacious, zealous, or resolute in a position or undertaking

I like both definitions.

I think I will double down on my efforts to stay sober by picking up one more card for my new hand, and become more tenacious, zealous and resolute in that position.

Now, I double down on hugs for people and dogs.

How about you?

“Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours.”

Isaiah 61:7

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NO MORE EXCUSES

I had plenty of excuses to drink. Everything was a good reason. You did this or that and it was your fault. Then, I didn’t even need an excuse to drink. Upsetting circumstances—or a party—were always the thing that would take me into drinking. I wasn’t sure how to do this life without alcohol—bad OR good.

When I got sober, I learned that bad stuff AND good stuff still happens in life. I realized that circumstances could not be my excuse anymore.

Someone said to me, “You have what you want in life or—you have the excuses why you don’t have what you want in life.” That was a powerful thought for me. I had a say in how it went? Hmmm…

I knew that I was powerless over alcohol, and that I needed help from God every day to choose to live without drinking. I also have a responsibility to choose to live my life again—or anew—without excuses.

I will always have circumstances that challenge me. It is how I handle them that matters most now that alcohol is not the solution anymore. Responding, not reacting.

I was fifty-years-old before I quit drinking. Many get it long before I did. I guess I am a slow learner. I tried for many years to stop drinking on my own and could not do it. If I could have done it on my own, I would have! When I finally turned my will and life over to God and asked for help, that is when it all fell into place.

The miracle began.

Now, my life is beyond my wildest dreams. Still challenging, but I can do it all with the help of others like myself and with trust in God. I don’t have to understand how it works, I just have to have faith. When each new day dawns, I am grateful for another chance to be present, sober and help somebody else.

No more excuses.

If I can do this, you can too!

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. ”

Proverbs 3:5-6

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PURPOSE?

In the days leading up to my sobriety birthday, I kinda went temporarily insane.

I forgot how to do life and what works for me now that I am sober. Ha. I DO know it’s one day at a time, but I get into future-tripping and caught in “What ifs?” that have nothing to do with where God wants me today. Completely zoomed out to such a bigger picture that I cannot control or understand. God’s job.

Monday night I got to tell my story of redemption through God’s saving me of my addictions and compulsions 6,211 days ago. I got to remember how I went to my bottom of pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. How in one moment, God plucked me out of the pit and set me on a new path. One of HIS choosing, not my own. My purpose redefined and reinstalled, just by staying in this day and in this moment. Zooming back down to where I actually am.

So, my old behaviors are to RUN, FREEZE, NOT SHOW UP, LASH OUT, All behaviors that are destructive, not only for me, but for everyone around me. Just like when I was drinking, I thought I wasn’t hurting anybody, just myself. When in reality, I was hurting everybody within arm’s length—especially the people I most Love.

Surrender is my best defense against myself and Self Will. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I might better do thy will. TODAY—That’s all I have. Yes, we have to remember the past but I don’t need to be stuck there. I have come so far in this recovery journey, 6211 days in a row, showing up sober, which still surprises me. Seventeen years scares me and it should. I am not collecting years. This is the day to celebrate my sobriety and yours. I am available now for you and for God to use me, not by MY will but His.

Recently, I asked a dear friend what his purpose was...he said, “to be a blessing.”—so good.

God saved me from my own (unavailable) self to know that I can now be available at any moment to be a blessing to another who is struggling.

Be a blessing to someone today.

Just show up.

God will do the heavy-lifting.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

2 Corinthians 12:9

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THEY'RE JUST WORDS

Seriously?

Words can cripple or words can heal.

You’re a drunk. You’re crazy. You’re fat. You’re too skinny. You are messed up. You’re an idiot. What do you know? Who wants to hear from you? You’re too young. Too old. What you think doesn’t matter.

Those kinds of words could send me into isolation and drinking. Not only said by others to me, but said to me in my own voice! Negative self-talk. When I was buzzed, the voice would stop and I would not care.

I have carried this kind of thinking around stuffed in a backpack that got far too heavy for me to carry. When I got sober and started to share my journey in words with others, I realized I was being healed!

Just by my words.

My backpack full of word-wounds was disappearing and the load was lessening. It can work for you too. Flip the negative words in your own head and then share with others.

You look great today. You seem peaceful and centered. You are so smart and full of wisdom. You are wise for your age. What you have to say matters to me. I love your smile. How can I encourage you today?

You matter.

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up.”

1 Thessalonians 5:11

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NEVER ENOUGH

Each time I started drinking, I remember thinking about the feeling of relief that would come and the confidence in knowing that there was enough for the night because I was fully-stocked. Then came the panic and fear that soon replaced that when I knew that I had miscalculated. I needed more.

There wouldn’t be enough. As my sponsor says, too much is not enough.

That window of relief and feeling better got smaller and smaller between the first drink and drunk, that it was so not worth it to even start in the first place. Yes, that was the logic of it, but logic didn’t apply here. The logic was not enough to stop me from repeating the same pattern again and again the following days.

There was not enough alcohol to fill the hole inside me. The hole got deeper and the window of relief became smaller the more I drank. My visual is like the whale constantly filling his mouth with more anchovies that it can hold—overflowing with too many fish. Then going back for more.

We are meant to thirst—its where we go to quench that thirst that makes the difference.

Now, I fill that hole with God. I am not thirsting anymore. Magic. Never thought it was possible, but now I am filled. I feel like my new drug is God. I keep going back for more. I hear God speak to me through other people in recovery. Their stories of transformation through dependence on God instead of the things of this world, fill me with hope.

I drank every day, so it follows that to stay sober, I must fill my cup every day with that connection to God.

“But whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life”

John 4:14

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WHAT WE RESIST, PERSISTS.

This photo is so sweet and reminds me of how my recovery works.

I’ll tell you why.

This beautiful flower coming up between the bricks of our patio is called a “volunteer.” There is a pot with luscious soil not a foot away with that same plant flourishing in it. This little volunteer, pushed up through the bricks with minimal soil and little chance of it growing there. It was determined, despite the odds—accepting it’s conditions, admitting it was powerless over where the seed landed—sprouting in what seemed like unmanageable circumstances.

Wow.

This is Step One: “Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable.”

I learned that what I resist, persists. Think about it. If I resist something, I have an adverse reaction—resistance. It causes me to think about it and mull it over and over in my head. I don’t get resolution about it, causing it to persist, until I accept the situation is not working and resolve it—

This is how it was with my drinking for years. I resisted loved ones’ concerns for my excessive drinking and pushed back, “I don’t have a problem. It’s under control.” So, my condition persisted.

Definition of resist: to exert force in opposition

Definition of persist: to continue to do something or to try to do something even though it is difficult or other people want you to stop

Now—I am like the flower in the hardscape. I volunteer to show up for my recovery, despite the hard conditions or circumstances that come up in my life. I am not resisting anymore or finding reasons or excuses to hide and escape from things that are hard. Or, people who are difficult. I am not resisting others’ concerns or for help they may want to give me. I have a chance of resolving it and responding in a healthy way and flourishing in my life—but, I can’t do it alone.

If I can do this life sober, so can you.

I am not saying it’s easy but it is simple. Like the flower metaphor, there are people, close by beckoning us to plant into the rich soil of a sober life, to live and to flourish among others like ourselves.

Ask for help—from others and from God.

It starts with you.

Then, volunteer to show up and help somebody else.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”

Matthew 7:7

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POWER OUTAGE

I always thought that when I stopped drinking all of the fun would stop.

Until the fun stopped while I was drinking.

Forget fun! That wasn’t even on my radar. I had to figure out how I was going to live this life without alcohol. Yikes. Scary. No clue. I was having a power outage, not knowing that I had made alcohol my power.

When alcohol discontinued its usefulness, I had to replace that source. That answer. That solution. It obviously wasn’t working for me anymore. When you’re having a power outage in your home and the lights go out, what do you do? Call for someone to fix it?—I go to the power source. It’s the same with my body, mind and spirit.

I have to go to the source to fix it.

“God, I’m having a power outage. Please help me.”

Those words saved my life.

I promise the “fun” in your life will return. Really. I can have fun without alcohol and thrive with others like myself. It is not a prison sentence like I looked at it before, as in: “I am the only one here at this party NOT drinking. Poor me.”

No.

There are others like me (and you) in the room. We just don’t know it yet. Somehow we find each other and give each other that support and the hug we need—and find fun with each other again.

It is possible to have fun and laugh again.

Tap into the power supply.

To God and each other.

Try it.

“He must become greater; I must become less.”

John 3:30

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