I heard somebody say this in a meeting:
“Resentments are a holding pattern for hurt.”
Wow. Talk about a great flight analogy.
We were flying high while drinking and drugging, not thinking about anything but escape. At our bottoms, we either crashed the plane, or landed it rather bumpily and jumped out of the plane thankfully, wondering where we were and how to get to safety.
Drinking and drugging are but a symptom. Once we got off that horrendous flight and we stopped that destructive behavior, we realized we are hanging onto underlying feelings, upsets and hurts that were keeping us stuck. When we take the confusion of the alcohol out of the mix, we see there is a whole flight schedule of skewed thoughts lined up that we didn’t notice before—the list is long. Our upsets, resentments and hurts soaring around in a holding pattern up there in our heads flying around.
Well, the good news is that there is a way out! So, how do we deal with those resentments? For me, it was a spiritual awakening as the result of the 12 steps.
Step One: We admit powerlessness, Step Two: We come to believe restoration is possible. Step Three: We turn our will over to God.
Then, the work starts in Step Four: Looking inside. Listing our resentments on paper. My sponsor drew a grid for me that had these headings across the top:
Name — Resentment for — How I was affected — My part — Action to take
I wrote in the boxes under the headings the people for whom I was holding a resentment. Then, filled in each column and talked it out with my sponsor. So helpful to get on paper and see. Not only did I see what I was hanging onto, but how ridiculous it looked out here on paper and out of my head. I was able to see clearly what happened, what was not mine to carry and then, the most important part about the process—
My part.
It helped me to own what it was I could about the person or interaction. Then, to determine if I was blaming them or just continuing to rehearse the situation over and over, blaming myself. Then, I was able to take off again and go forward into what action to take in the last column. Sometimes there was nothing to do, other than to let go of it, or of them. Sometimes it was to forgive them. I cannot change them. Sometimes it was to pray for them. I can only own my part.
Then, I get to Let Go and Let God — I do my part and then let God do the heavy-lifting.
Trust God with the outcome.
Steps 4 through 9 are the “meat” of the program—the work on ourselves. Steps 10 through 12 are the maintenance steps to keep us in check, stay connected to God, and share what we have learned with others who are still suffering.
The spiritual awakening part. It’s not about me. I become an instrument. I show up sober and willing and God does the rest.
Try it.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
Proverbs 3:5-6
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