When I got sober, I realized how selfish I had been in my drinking state. It was all about me. You couldn’t tell me what to do. I was in charge—of me, and whatever else I could control. Not much awareness of you or what was in my path. The wreckage ensued. Whirling dervish. Me.
After getting sober, while working the 12-step program with my sponsor, I realized it was not about me anymore. It was all about service. How can I help you? I really latched onto that.
Then, I realized, being the obssessive person I was, I could focus on You and serve You and avoid my own self-care. This is the opposite of selfish—right? Well, there is something between focusing totally on you or, totally on me. I can do both. That middle ground and grey area was hard to figure out for me. I never liked it when my father said, “Everything in moderation, Heidi”
What? I was “all in” or “all out!” — You mean, I can serve and show up for you and me both and do self-care all at the same time?
It was easier to focus somewhere else for me. That self-care included my steps, working on myself and time for meditation and prayer. I had to be taught that self-care was NOT selfish.
This past weekend, I was able to help plan, co-host, and be an attendee, at a Women’s Recovery Retreat. What an incredible amount of work had to be done ahead of time—but well worth every minute. The day encompassed all that I had hoped for:
- Service ahead in the planning—and the day.
- A day of peace in the Redwoods with women.
- Incredible connections and conversations.
- Time left for special moments for God to step in.
- Receiving others’ fears and tears.
- Cherishing stories told to me by other women.
- Showing up sober and available for God to use me.
The hardest part of the whole day was follow up—the “after” for me. The let down. The sadness that this special day was over. The time I needed to debrief with my women friends. Then, to spend some time doing nothing—self-care, which is hard for me. And, as I get older, it becomes an easier discipline. Because the benefits outweigh the the alternatives.
Self-care. I always thought it was selfish to allow myself that luxury. No. It’s needed. It’s okay.
Stop.
Be still.
Rest.
Refill.
Revel in nature.
Remember.
Be grateful.
“Be still and know that I am God.”
Psalm 46:10
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