DISCERN AND DEFUSE

I have been dealing with a number of hard situations lately with people—full of upset and conflict. My old “go to” behavior was to run and check out, drink to quiet the thoughts of resentment and reactions I have to those confrontations. In the past, I would have avoided conflict of any kind. 

None of this is helpful for either side of the equation.

I am still learning, but now, I have learned a technique of Discerning and Defusing.

The definitions of both:

Discern: “To perceive with the eyes; detect or distinguish.”

Defuse: “To make less harmful, potent, or tense”; the word has another, helpfully literal, meaning, which is "to remove the fuse from.”

As in, I don’t need to fan the flames and help it grow into a raging fire! I know if I have “heat” on a certain subject, I am emotionally charged about it and can react in harmful ways. 

Discern (distinguish) what is theirs and what is mine. Obviously, if it is NOT mine, I cannot help if they are not willing to see their part. Then what?

Be a cloud.

My brother always said to me, “Heidi, when the storm is coming at you, be a cloud. Clouds don’t push back. The storm will pass by around you. Then reassess.”

This doesn’t mean avoid the storm. I have learned that if somebody has “heat” coming at me for something, and I know I didn’t create it, I don’t need to push back or react in self-defense right away. I need to pause, listen, discern whether this is mine or theirs, respond calmly and deliver a responsible communication—not always easy. The pause is key.

Sometimes that is saying, “Ok, I can see that you are upset. Can I suggest we wait until you are calmer to talk about this. I am sure there is a resolution.”

Then, be quiet, pray about it, walk a wide circle around the person until we have both calmed down. Look inside myself at what I am emotionally charged about or triggered to push back on in anger and fan the flames, and write about it. Then come back and suggest possible solutions to our problem inviting their opinions and thoughts into that too.

This usually works for me. God is at work in me and the other person, no matter the situation, right? I have to zoom out and look from God’s perspective and ask these questions:

•  How can I look at my own behaviors to see what “my part" in this might be?

•  What does God want me to see and learn in this situation? 

•  What is God’s Will for me to go forward on this?

I know when the answers come because I have a certain amount of peace about it. The answers from God start presenting themselves, sometimes in ways I was not expecting and were out of my control. And, nothing like what I thought it would look like! What a concept. I think God knows what He is doing.

Trust the process…

Be a cloud—respond when there’s calm.

Own what is mine.

Act on it when I find peace.

"No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."

1 Corinthians 10:13

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NEVER TOO OLD

You are never too old to get sober.

The “age thing” is kicking my butt. And—I know it’s because I am “letting” it. Not physically, but mentally framing it in my mind—Feeling old, not needed, not relevant anymore, old ideas that people have moved on from, not making a difference…

I know this is not true. It’s all in my head. 

I can FLIP these around in my brain in an instant from victim-mentality to productive and encouraging thoughts:

Feeling old—Feelings are not facts.

Not relevant—Making a difference

Old ideas —Wisdom of experience

I am not always able to do this brain flip for myself. I am grateful that I have a God who is “crazy about me” and sends angels to encourage me and remind me of this. This week God sent a colleague and friend.

A while back, this colleague heard me speak in a business meeting about how I was working with others to create a youth recovery meeting. Hard task on many levels. I said, “The kids don’t want old people like me in the room, they want their own age group.”

He encouraged me right away by saying his experience. His son was telling him how he valued the older generation’s wisdom and how his son sought it out. Then, this week, that same friend sent an encouraging email to me. These were the words that jumped out at me:

"I often think about our brief conversation about youth and who they are looking to spend time with. I want to encourage you to keep going and invest in the younger generation. You have so much to offer, and your love and experiences are what they need. No age disqualifies us. We only disqualify ourselves when we believe we are no longer relevant in the eyes of others.”

This hit me that it is so much like my sobriety meetings. We are not disqualified. We get to make a difference in our meetings just showing up for the new person getting sober, no matter the age. Show them the way and encourage them that sobriety can indeed be achieved.

As others have done before me.

I didn’t get sober until I was 50 years old, and I now have 7,186 days of sobriety—closing in on 20 years. My life since getting sober has been about God using me to lead and show the way for others trying to get sober, making a difference and sharing the wisdom of experience.

You can do this too. Come alongside another struggling alcoholic and show them how it’s done.

I love this little 3-sentence thought:

Know the way.

Go the way.

Show the way.

“He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them His way.”

Psalm 25:9

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NO MORE EXCUSES

I had plenty of excuses to drink. Everything was a good reason. Then, I didn’t even need to have an excuse to drink. Upsetting circumstances were always the thing that would take me down deep into drinking.

When I got sober, I learned that good and bad stuff still happens in life. I realized that circumstances could not be my excuse anymore.

Someone said to me, “You have what you want in life or—you have the excuses why you don’t have what you want in life.” That was a powerful thought for me. I had a say in how it went—my part in it. I knew that I was powerless over alcohol, and that I needed help from God every day to choose to live without drinking. I also have a responsibility to choose to live my life again—or anew—without excuses.

I will always have circumstances that challenge me. It is how I handle them that matters most now that alcohol is not the solution anymore.

I was fifty years old before I quit drinking. Many get it long before I did. I guess I am a slow learner. I tried for many years to stop drinking on my own and could not do it. When I finally turned my will and life over to God and asked for help, that is when it all fell into place. The miracle began.

Now, my life is beyond my wildest dreams. Still challenging, but I can do it all with the help of others like myself and with trust in God. I don’t have to understand how it works, I just have to have faith. When each new day dawns, I am grateful for another chance to be present, sober and help somebody else.

If I can do this, you can too!

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. ”

Proverbs 3:5-6

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COURAGE TO CHANGE

In meetings we have the 7th tradition, which states that we are self-supporting through our own contributions. We do that by passing a basket around every meeting and putting a dollar in each time. Not required. It is very cheap therapy. Sometimes, I can sit in a meeting and learn more about myself than when I talk to a therapist for many dollars more an hour.

I heard this phrase early in sobriety: “A meeting is the only place you can get change for a dollar.”

Funny, but so true.

I am not sitting there waiting for change. I am changing as I am sitting there. Just by putting myself in the chair and listening, I am saying to myself and others, “I am open to doing things differently.”

Why? Because what I was doing before was not working.

The serenity prayer is so important and succinct.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can. And, the wisdom to know the difference.”

Admitting I can’t change you. Willing to change me. And, having that wisdom to know the difference. Cease fighting everyone and everything. Not giving up—shifting direction. Allowing new thoughts to guide me.

I am not even going to do the math on all of the “change for a dollar” that I have received over the years. It is priceless. All I have to do is show up. Sit in the seat. Put the dollar in the basket. Listen to God speak to me through all of the people in the room. Watch the transformation happen before my eyes. Experience the change in me—and—not quit before the miracle happens.

Serenity to accept—Courage to change—Wisdom to know

I know I have changed.

I still have work to do.

I am grateful.

“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.”

Psalm 51:10

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Bear Witness

There is an old hymn that my mother used to sing called "Keep Thou My Way”.

Mom jokingly told about when she was a very small girl, in Sunday school, they would sing about a "Cross-eyed bear named, Gladly” The lyrics she spoke about are found in the third line:

"Keep Thou my all, O Lord, Hide my life in Thine;
O let Thy sacred light O'er my pathway shine;
Kept by Thy tender care, Gladly the Cross I’d bear
Hear Thou and grant my prayer, Hide my life in Thine."

I loved that story. It made me laugh.

And—it is so true for me—Gladly the Cross I’d bear.

It makes me think of getting sober so many days ago…7,165 days ago, to be exact. When I first got sober, I didn’t want to SAY I was an alcoholic. I didn’t want to BE and alcoholic. But admitting it and now telling others that they can be sober too, has become my mission in life. God wanted to use me in this specific way. Dying to my old self and living again in a new way that helped to point others in the right direction and toward God’s Will and Way. 

Being in service like this has been my “cross to bear” and I bear it gladly, while not being cross-eyed anymore, ha ha!!

I begin each day with the Third Step Prayer now:

“God, I offer myself to thee. To build with me and do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I might better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love and Thy way of live, may I do Thy will always”

In the line, “Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help…” God has taken the struggle and difficulty I had with alcohol out of my life, so that I could bear witness to others, so they could know that they can do it too.

God’s help was needed. I could not do it on my own. If I could have stopped drinking on my own, I would have!

I can’t.

He can.

I think I'll let him.

"Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.”  

Matthew 16:24-25

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H.O.W.

This acronym of H.O.W. is the key to my sobriety.

Honesty (You can’t heal what you don’t reveal.)

Open-Mindedness (It’s not the drinking, it’s the thinking.)

Willingness (What you resist, persists.)

When I was drinking, I was sneaky, close-minded, and stubborn. Not good attributes for growth and change, right? At the end of my drinking, I just kept thinking, “I have to stop. I have to change something or this behavior is going to kill me.”

At 50 years old—when I finally surrendered to God and knew that I was unable to get sober on my own, I started to heal. I started to get honest and came out of the hiding and sneakiness. I became willing to do things differently—I finally became willing to change and to see that I could stay sober with the help of others and with God.

First three steps. “I can’t. He can. I think I’ll let Him.”

The most important thing was to be finally honest with myself. Having an honest perspective, I can see how my alcohol use affected others or caused negative situations in my life. Next, I need to be open-minded. If I am closed-minded to anything, I shut down growth, not allowing for any other solution to my problems than the one I currently had—drinking (which was not working, of course.) If I remain open-minded, I become teachable. Then, when I become willing, I am open to change. Pain is a motivator. When my behaviors cause more pain than pleasure, I am motivated to consider new options.

So, if you’re hurting and tired of living life a certain way, and you want to change, remember the acronym of H.O.W.

Be willing to go to any lengths for your recovery.

“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.”

James 4:10

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POWER OUTAGE

I always thought that when I stopped drinking all of the fun would stop. Until the fun stopped while I was drinking. Forget fun! That wasn’t even on my radar. I had to figure out how I was going to just live this life without alcohol.

Yikes. Scary. No clue.

I was having a power outage, not knowing that I had made alcohol my higher power. When it discontinued its usefulness, I had to replace that source. That answer. That solution. It obviously wasn’t working for me anymore.

When you’re having a power outage and the lights go out, what do you do? Call for someone to fix it. Go to the source. It’s the same with my body, mind and spirit. I have to go to the source to fix it.

“God, I’m having a power outage. Please help me.”

Those words saved my life.

I was powerless over alcohol—over everything. My life had become unmanageable. Turning my will and life over to God changed everything. God did for me what I could not do for myself. The thing is…it was NEVER in my power. But, I needed to acknowledge that, and then, ask for help.

I did ask for help and God did—help me. He gave me the strength to walk out of the darkness of isolation in my addiction and into the light. Every day. This day, then the next. With His help and the help of others. Not on my own power. Alcohol was separation from God, my power source. Now I have directed access again to that power.

I promise the “fun” in your life will return. Really. I can have fun without alcohol and thrive with others like myself. I don’t have to be in that prison of my own making. There are others like me (and you) in recovery rooms. We just don’t know it yet. We have to show up to find out. Somehow we find each other and give each other that support and the hug we need—

If you are struggling, ask for help. Don’t give up. There is always hope.

Go to the source—pray.

Then, call someone and ask for help.

You are worth it.

“He must become greater; I must become less.” John 3:30

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EGO

"Egomaniac with an inferiority complex.” When I heard those words, after I first came into the program, I knew that was me—Self-centered and yet so insecure.

I have heard it said that “EGO—is Edging God Out”

So true. When I edge God out, or take that huge element out of the equation, I cripple myself—by thinking I am in control. God and I cannot both be in control at the same time, or there wouldn’t be a relationship. My ego must be deflated and pushed aside to commune with God.

I talk, He listens—He talks, I listen

He is in control—I have surrendered.

Have you ever clung to something so passionately that you simply could not let go? Perhaps the struggle feels like life and death. That’s how the grip of alcohol felt on me. Maybe it’s another addiction that you are clinging to. I was strong-arming God to say, I can beat this (EGO)—when in fact, at the end, I could not stop without His help.

Humble yourself and let go of the control. Let go of the alcohol, drugs or other addictions and let God nestle right in there and complete the picture for your life. I don’t think you’ll regret it.

Try putting God first.

What have you got to lose?

“For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”

Matthew 23:12

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SURPRISED BY JOY

I am not big on being surprised. Ever. I am pretty big on being prepared. Controlled. I got this—Wow.

Me. All about me.

When I think about that, it doesn’t leave much room for anything other than what I expect or what I had planned—pretty limiting. Sounds like setting myself up for disappointment, eh? Yes. This feels like arrogance.

It is.

Admitting we don’t know the answer and being open to faith in God’s realm of possibilities—which are limitless—opens our minds to the impossible. Our minds are limited to our experiences of what we have already seen and done in this world. Faith allows for more.

Humility surprises us with the possibilities of God’s redeeming love.

I needed to let go of my arrogance, becoming humble and allowing for God to come in and redeem and bless me BEYOND what I was expecting. Surprising me with the better than expected result. This is not my natural way of thinking. I had to retrain my brain to think upside down. It’s not giving up my thinking, but submitting to another way of thinking—another viewpoint.

Out of this process, I am “Surprised by Joy” as C.S. Lewis says in his book with the same title. He describes it this way, “Joy is like a “signpost” to those lost in the woods, pointing the way, and that its appearance is not as important when we have found the road and are passing signposts every few miles.”

This was so true for me when I got sober. I found that all the joy had not been taken away from me along with the alcohol. I thought I would never be funny again. Have fun or be joyful without alcohol. Not true.

I found the road—without resistance. The road out of the woods and the little stabs of joy along the way were signposts helping me to know that I could be on this path without alcohol. I could have fun and be joyful again. The path, or the journey WAS the way. Each day stronger. Sober one more day. One more signpost.

More joy.

Surprised.

I like it.

Who knew?

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

James 1:2-4

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NEW DAY'S RESOLUTIONS

Ok, here it is—the start of a new year. 

Most people take this time to review the past year and make resolutions for the new year. Ever since I got sober 7130 days ago, I have not made resolutions for the new year.

Why?

Because my sobriety is a daily resolution to stay sober and do all the things that keep me there. I can’t wait 365 days to restart. I have to choose daily to keep on this path. To review what was not working on the previous day and course-correct for today.

What does that mean for me as a sober person?

• It means going to meetings. For me, that is 4 meetings a week. This is where I affirm my membership in my tribe. A tribe that is on the same path as me. Kinda like a gym membership, where everyone is trying to stay fit together, you know? We gather and talk with each other and stay mentally and spiritually fit. By sharing what we are struggling with today. In doing that, two things happen: One, it takes the power out of the thing I was carrying in my head to say it out loud. And, two, it may help another person acknowledge the same thing and be helped in the process also.

• It means I pray and turn my life over to God. In doing this, I acknowledge that I am not doing this journey on my own power. It helps to know that God is doing for me what I cannot do for myself. I start every day with the Third Step Prayer: “God, I offer myself to Thee, to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always! Amen.”

• It means I connect with my sponsor or women that I sponsor to see how I can be of service today. Maybe meeting with someone to walk through their steps with them.

• It means I write in my journal on the step I am on today. Usually, it is the step of the month of the Twelve Steps: This month is Step One: “Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable”

Sounds a lot like New Year’s Resolutions, don’t they?

These are the practices we are taught to perform every day in our program. 

I hear people in my meetings say how grateful they are for the 12-Steps and this process. They wish that everyone they know could have these tools to practice in their daily lives.

I do too.

There is a line in the 12th step that talks about “...practicing these principles in all our affairs.” This is so true, as we do them daily, we find that they apply to all areas of our lives, not just our sobriety—Step 12 "Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry the message to others who still suffer, and to practice these principles in all our affairs."

Resolve to renew each day.

“To put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.”

Ephesians 4:22-24

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EMBRACING CHANGE

I have not done this before on my blog, but a response from a reader and friend prompted this. It is a continuation of the last blog about seeing “A New Way Out”

So, if you remember last week, I had a reading in the blog by Portia Nelson, “There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk” It was a subtle reminder of the insane behaviors we have in place that keep us stuck in our addiction.

My friend was prompted to write a not-so-subtle response to the reading. It articulates addiction in its raw form before his recovery. 

First the reading, then his response. I hope you find it as illuminating as I did.

************************************************************

There's a Hole in My Sidewalk

“I walk down the street.
 There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
 I fall in. 
I am lost... I am helpless.
 It isn't my fault.
 It takes forever to find a way out.



I walk down the same street.
 There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
 I pretend I don't see it.
 I fall in again. 
I can't believe I am in the same place.
 But, it isn't my fault.
 It still takes me a long time to get out.



I walk down the same street.
 There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
 I see it is there.
 I still fall in. It's a habit.
 My eyes are open.
 I know where I am.
 It is my fault. I get out immediately.



I walk down the same street.
 There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
 I walk around it.



I walk down another street.”

― Portia Nelson

************************************************************

"I read the story of the hole in the sidewalk several times. 

As I read, the falling in the hole was my drinking. It wasn't my fault. It just happened. I didn't know how to stop. I was helpless to the addiction because I did not see a way out. As it dawned on me that there were others who were sober, I saw the way out and got out of the hole. 

So I walked down the sidewalk and there was the hole. I walked right into it again, such is addiction. There I was; in the same place with the same hangover, the same self-loathing, and being lost. How would I ever get out? I knew there was a problem but it wasn't my fault. It happened one day that I saw sobriety was an option once again. I finally had a way out! I hurried down the sidewalk and pretended that the hole and my alcoholism weren't there. Into the hole I went! I knew what the problem was. It was me! 

Alcohol was my way of having emotions. It had become my happiness, sadness, celebration, rejection, and all things in between. Alcohol had taken all of life and turned it into a never-ending nightmare with no variation and no light. I recognized it now. I knew how to find my way out of the hole but I kept finding the same hole over and over knowing I would probably get out and find the same hole again. Would I kid myself it wasn't there or would I walk into it willingly on the next pass?

 It wasn't until I made an active decision to end the insane behavior and go around the hole to go down another street that the cycle was broken. The insanity acknowledged. Perhaps the new street would have a new issue to contend with, but it wouldn’t be the same hole. I would have a chance. 

I thank God every day for sobriety. It’s hard sometimes. I'm glad there are meetings and others willing to share their ups and downs in life. I'm glad to have prayer and all of the Big Book literature.”

Anonymous

************************************************************

New street.

New thinking, new behaviors.

Embracing change.

“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”

Isaiah 43:19

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A NEW WAY OUT

Step One of our program is about surrender. About how what we have been doing is not working. Step Two is about letting go of preconceived ideas of how a Power outside of ourselves can help. It is about making room for change.

Step Two: “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

Wait—

Does that mean I was insane with my drinking?

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. 

Oh, yeah. I’m not insane, but my behaviors are. Something has to change. There might be another way. This reading I heard in a meeting explains this insane pattern of behaviors in a very understandable way:

There's a Hole in My Sidewalk

“I walk down the street.
 There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
 I fall in. 
I am lost... I am helpless.
 It isn't my fault.
 It takes forever to find a way out.



I walk down the same street.
 There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
 I pretend I don't see it.
 I fall in again. 
I can't believe I am in the same place.
 But, it isn't my fault.
 It still takes me a long time to get out.



I walk down the same street.
 There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
 I see it is there.
 I still fall in. It's a habit.
 My eyes are open.
 I know where I am.
 It is my fault. I get out immediately.



I walk down the same street.
 There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
 I walk around it.



I walk down another street.”

― Portia Nelson

We need each other and we need our Higher Power.

Change is hard. Baby steps to a new way out.

Try it—come and join us.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”

Proverbs 3:5-6

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THE HEALING PROCESS

I was walking out of an AA meeting the other day with a friend of mine. She was sharing with me about a recent interaction she had with someone she knew in our program. The conversation was confusing to her and a bit frustrating. Then she said this:

“That person is resisting the healing process and is only acting out of the capacity that she knows—I have to consider that.”

This is profound.

What a helpful thing to do. Especially now that we are sober and trying to better ourselves through recovery. That involves being with others that are like us that are trying to better themselves, too. As we arrest our own unhelpful behaviors that kept us stuck, we start having different conversations—

Conversations with the SAME people—now, WE are different.

We are healing and transforming our old addictive patterns of thinking and behaving. Not reacting out of our old ways of protecting ourselves from past hurts, but responding in loving and transformed ways to others around us. 

Thinking differently. Behaving differently. Responding differently.

We have to consider that the same people we are interacting with may not be growing at the same rate along with us. We are operating from a different context now. We have a new task—to receive others’ pain and hold it along with them. Just sitting with them. Not fixing fixing them. Not jumping in the pit with them—but coming alongside as we identify with their experiences and sharing our own. Praying with them, listening and giving them a hand to hold to guide them along the way.

Just as others did for us.

As we work the 12-steps with the people we sponsor, we start to see transformation in them. In this process, we start to experience The 9th Step Promises:  

"...No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which use to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.”

And, they will realize this, too.

Hurt people hurt people. 

Healing people help heal people.

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”

Philippians 2:3-4

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FOGGY LENSES

When I was drinking, it felt like I was looking at everything through foggy lenses.

At first, I was just checking out to not deal with my interpretation of what was going on. Then, after living that way in the fog for so many years, I began to think I needed alcohol to take myself down a notch to deal with things. That was just the way it was. 

I was dependent upon it to be OK—Or, so I thought. I didn’t think I could live or deal with anything without alcohol. 

Not true. But, I didn’t know another way.

We say in our program, “alcohol and drugs are but a symptom.” The alcohol that I thought was helping me deal, was just fogging my vision of the truth—keeping me in the fog. It was taking me further into darkness. 

G.K. Chesterton said this, “God is like the sun; you cannot look at it, but without it you cannot look at anything else.”

I heard a woman say in a meeting yesterday, “I can truly say that there is no spirituality without physical sobriety.”

When I fully surrendered my obsession to God, the fog lifted. My lenses cleared. I could see everything clearly and was no longer dependent on a substance that was standing in the way of God’s access to me. 

What was the way out?

Walk out of the fog.

Surrender to God.

Turn on the Light.

“But all things become visible when they are exposed by the light, for everything that becomes visible is light.”

Ephesians 5:13

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STILL TIME ON THE CLOCK

So this is happening.

My youngest grandson is heading to the State Championship with his football team. We will be there. Could not be any more proud.

Greatest thrill of my life to show up as a sober Grandma.

I did not get sober until I was 50 years old. I regret all those moments and years that I missed while drinking. So grateful to have gotten sober when I did. My grandsons, now 22, 20 and 17, have never seen me drink. It chokes me up to know that, and to know that I could have missed it all.

But, I didn’t.

You don’t have to miss your life, either. It is never too late.

Choose to get back in the game today. You will not regret it. You are worth it.

There is still time on the clock.

Choose sobriety today.

Join us on the winning team.

“I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds.”

Psalm 9:1

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TOO FAR AWAY

I was sitting in one of my favorite meetings the other morning listening to woman tell her story. She started out by saying how she was upset that she had gotten a ticket that morning for parking too far away from the curb. She was letting us know how she was doing a “fourth step” around this resentment that she had about the ticket. 

Step Four: "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

In Step 4 we deal with our resentments and fears: “Who is my resentment for?” “How did it affect me?”  Then, “What was my part in this?” A key question in processing our resentments. How do I own it and be part of the solution and not stay stuck in the mire of resentment eating at me?

In considering her part, she said, “I realized that I could pull up to the curb a little better.” 

Boy, did I relate. What a metaphor for my life. I was always dancing on the fringe—never in, never out. Not playing by all the rules. Only stepping in when it suited me. Pulling back when it got uncomfortable. Placing blame “over there” as my excuse not to be a part of anything. Never letting anyone in for fear of being involved in a way that I might have to be accountable. The picture of control.

As a little girl, I never wanted to be doing what the crowd was doing. I didn’t want to be “sheep-like.”  If you all were wearing saddle shoes because it was “in”—I had tennis shoes on. Later, when you all were on to the next trend—I would get my saddle shoes. I wanted to be different. Unique. Set apart. Special. Why?

Because I never felt unique, set apart, special. So, I decided that I was in charge of making that happen for me. Ha ha. Control. I heard one of our pastors say last week, jokingly, as she was preaching about grace and control,

“Thank you, God, for your Grace—I’ll take it from here.” Whoops. That was me. What a picture of my control. Grace is freely given by God and given by me to others. I have to be engaged to receive it—with God and with others.

You can’t be used for your uniqueness if you take yourself out of the game, right? You have to be fully engaged in community to be fully used by God. Finding the similarities and not the differences. The similarities help us engage with others, while finding the differences, separate us from others. I learned this in recovery meetings.

Now in my sober life, I am trying to “pull up to the curb a little better.” Engage and participate. Be a “part of” and not find ways to separate myself. 

Engage. 

Give. 

Serve.

"Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ."

1 Peter 4:10-11 

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WALK OUT OF THE WILDERNESS

• What is the wilderness?  Being lost. Not on the right path. Embroiled in sin and darkness. Hedonistic living. Addiction. Starving and thirst. Too much of everything. Not enough connection. Powerlessness. No light. 

• How do we get out of the wilderness? Turn on the lights again. Get up and walk—In the Bible there is a parable of a disabled man sitting by a healing pool waiting to be healed…for 38 years! Jesus sees him and asked him, “Do you want to get well?” The man proceeds to give him a number of excuses why it hasn’t happened before now (that was me.) He tells him to “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” (John 5)—We have to choose it. Turn around, look around. Look up. Turn toward the light always. 

• How do we find that path? See others who have the light burning in them. See what they are doing. DO what they are doing. Keep walking—One-Day-At-A-Time

• How do we stay on the path?  Routine. Stay connected with others in recovery. Reach out and get out of self. Feed your soul. Read and watch what fills your tank. Drink healthy waters "but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” John 4:14

• How do we show the way out of the wilderness for others?

Know the way. 

Go the way. 

Show the way.

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THE LORD'S PRAYER & THE 12-STEPS

I love The Lord’s Prayer. We say it at the end of many of our AA meetings. I posted this revelation before, but it bears repeating about the connection between the 12-Steps and The Lord’s Prayer.

I made an interesting connection between that prayer and the 12 steps of AA. I would love to share that revelation with you—phrase by phrase.

Here we go—Step by Step and the connection to the prayer. First, the prayer.

THE LORD’S PRAYER:

“Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy Name, Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the Kingdom, and the Power and the Glory for ever and ever. Amen”

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THE STEP: Step 1 We admitted that we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.

THE LORD’S PRAYER: “Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy Name.”

THE CONNECTION: Admitting we are not in power and God is.

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THE STEP: Step 2 Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

THE LORD’S PRAYER: “Thy Kingdom come.”

THE CONNECTION: We came to know that we COULD be restored.

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THE STEP: Step 3 Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him.

THE LORD’S PRAYER: “Thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven.”

THE CONNECTION: We turned our will over to God.

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THE STEP (S): Step 4 Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Step 5 Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Step 6 Became willing to have God remove all of our defects of character. Step 7 Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

THE LORD’S PRAYER: “Give us this day our daily bread.”

THE CONNECTION: “Our daily bread” being the provision and help we receive with working steps 4 through 7—searching ourselves, truth-telling, reviewing what is not working, and staying humble.

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THE STEP: Step 8 Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. Step 9 Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

THE LORD’S PRAYER: “And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.”

THE CONNECTION: These two steps—8 and 9— about amending our behaviors and forgiveness

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THE STEP: Step 10 Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

THE LORD’S PRAYER: “And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.”

THE CONNECTION: Continue the path of searching, although we will be tempted.

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THE STEP: Step 11 Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, asking only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

THE LORD’S PRAYER: “For Thine is the Kingdom”

THE CONNECTION: Continue acknowledging our relationship with God.

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THE STEP: Step 12 Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry the message to others who still suffer, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

THE LORD’S PRAYER: “And the Power and the Glory for ever and ever. Amen.”

THE CONNECTION: The spiritual awakening to our new power through God, to help ourselves and then to help others.

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I pray that you feel the spiritual connection as I did.

“But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen.”

Matthew 6:6

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HANDS OFF, LOOK UP.

"You didn’t cause it, can’t control it, and can’t cure it.”

The Three Cs. This is an Al-anon slogan. I love this because it is so true and gives me great comfort, when I say it out loud—then believe it.

Al-anon is a support group for those whose lives have been affected by the alcohol (or drug use) of another person. Alcohol and drugs do not just affect the person who is active in their addiction—it affects all those around them as well. This pretty much covers everybody, right? I would be willing to bet that everybody knows an addict/alcoholic or is related to one. It is that widespread.

When I first got sober, I was happy to be in AA and around other alcoholics who thought like me and who had similar experiences like me. About three years into my sobriety, my sponsor suggested I attend an al-anon meeting because I had other addicts/alcoholics in my family. I went to one and immediately did not like it. It felt like they were sitting around talking about me, ha ha. Well, they were! They were talking about the addict/alcoholic in their life.

What I didn’t realize until after I stayed a while, is that I didn’t like it because they were talking about all the things that I had done to the people in my life while I was active in my drinking. I had to look at how my behaviors affected all those around me that I loved. It gave me a great perspective on what they were all thinking and feeling. The powerlessness they felt over the situations I was causing. 

Now, when I look at a chaotic situation in my life that involves an addict/alcoholic, I automatically go to, “How did this happen? Is it my fault? How can I fix this?” None of those are helpful questions for a solution, and usually only heighten existing tensions. That’s why this phrase of the three Cs is so important. It puts the situation in the right perspective and light and takes the pressure off of the one trying to support. 

In response to the chaos the person in my life is creating, I came up with a mantra for myself: “Hands off, look up.” This photo represents how I feel when I do this. Peace and freedom. The mantra causes me to pause and to stop focusing on the problem, then look up and pray for guidance, peace and solution for that moment. That’s it. I am praying Peace and Freedom for you in this practice. It usually works.

Hands off, look up. 

Peace and Freedom.

Try it.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:6-7

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LIFE OR DEATH

That sounds rather dramatic. 

Well, addiction is dramatic. Staying hidden within our addiction until the eventual dramatic end—or being sober. Sobriety is equally dramatic in so many ways. When we got sober and didn’t die, our lives are changed in every way—dramatically. And we can still be anonymous in sobriety to protect ourselves. Just not hiding in isolation anymore.

The recent death of Matthew Perry brings attention to the addiction issue for the general public. For the people still in their addiction and people in sobriety, we are nodding our heads in the quiet understanding of this process—and, the reminder of what the end of that road looks like for us and so many that we love. 

It doesn’t matter if we find out that Matt relapsed or not, before he died. The thing that does matter, is that Matthew Perry chose to speak about his struggle publicly, and in his book, before the end. His life and legacy in his “service to others” is how he will be remembered.

I read this very inspiring and comforting headline, "Matthew Perry Wanted to Be Remembered for Helping Others in Recovery From Addiction” Inspiring for those in recovery who are still struggling. And, comforting for those still in their addiction, to know it can be done. There is hope.

In Matthew Perry's words, “The best thing about me, bar none, is that if somebody comes to me and says, ‘I can’t stop drinking, can you help me?’ I can say ‘yes’ and follow up and do it.”  And, he did. There’s the hope.

I can say the same thing he has said here, and mean it. It is one good way I can make a difference in this life. If we are hiding in our addiction and isolating from others, no help can be received or given by others to us. All of us forget that addiction is a life or death matter. Really no middle ground here. If I can help inspire one person into sobriety today by my speaking publicly about my story, I will have made a difference.

Anonymity is something we practice in sobriety. To protect those who have chosen to join us and protection from those in their lives who don’t understand. This is a good practice. I protect those I sponsor and work with in our program through anonymity. It is not my story to tell. It is there’s. They need protection in the healing process.

I choose to not be anonymous. I have chosen to live in the light and try and shine it for others. No secrets. The secret to my sobriety is that my sobriety is not a secret—on purpose now. The secrets kept me stuck in addiction. Now, I can be of service to others who are trying to stay sober or want to get sober, but don’t know how. I want to be an example for others that it can be done. 

I realize, there is still a stigma attached to being an addict/alcoholic. Gradually, if I shed that belief, I can be used by God, to show others that the real stigma is staying in the dark—not coming out into the light. It is here in the light where you and I can be used.

If you need to be anonymous, it is so very ok! And, I encourage you to speak at AA meeting level to share your story of hope with others within our safe community.

Reach out and help someone.

Pray for those still suffering.

Choose a sober life today.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

John 10:10

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