I was sitting in one of my favorite meetings the other morning listening to woman tell her story. She started out by saying how she was upset that she had gotten a ticket that morning for parking too far away from the curb. She was letting us know how she was doing a “fourth step” around this resentment that she had about the ticket.
Step Four: "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."
In Step 4 we deal with our resentments and fears: “Who is my resentment for?” “How did it affect me?” Then, “What was my part in this?” A key question in processing our resentments. How do I own it and be part of the solution and not stay stuck in the mire of resentment eating at me?
In considering her part, she said, “I realized that I could pull up to the curb a little better.”
Boy, did I relate. What a metaphor for my life. I was always dancing on the fringe—never in, never out. Not playing by all the rules. Only stepping in when it suited me. Pulling back when it got uncomfortable. Placing blame “over there” as my excuse not to be a part of anything. Never letting anyone in for fear of being involved in a way that I might have to be accountable. The picture of control.
As a little girl, I never wanted to be doing what the crowd was doing. I didn’t want to be “sheep-like.” If you all were wearing saddle shoes because it was “in”—I had tennis shoes on. Later, when you all were on to the next trend—I would get my saddle shoes. I wanted to be different. Unique. Set apart. Special. Why?
Because I never felt unique, set apart, special. So, I decided that I was in charge of making that happen for me. Ha ha. Control. I heard one of our pastors say last week, jokingly, as she was preaching about grace and control,
“Thank you, God, for your Grace—I’ll take it from here.” Whoops. That was me. What a picture of my control. Grace is freely given by God and given by me to others. I have to be engaged to receive it—with God and with others.
You can’t be used for your uniqueness if you take yourself out of the game, right? You have to be fully engaged in community to be fully used by God. Finding the similarities and not the differences. The similarities help us engage with others, while finding the differences, separate us from others. I learned this in recovery meetings.
Now in my sober life, I am trying to “pull up to the curb a little better.” Engage and participate. Be a “part of” and not find ways to separate myself.
Engage.
Give.
Serve.
"Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ."
1 Peter 4:10-11
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