PROCESSING ANGER

My nephew sent me a video to watch. It was the explanation of the Prodigal Son, by a prominent theologian named, Kenneth Bailey. My nephew, Barry, and I share theological ideas with each other regularly and we both love the representation of so many themes in this parable.

Sometimes I don’t understand certain nuances in context for these parables because of the time period in which they are set. Kenneth Bailey is well-versed on Middle Eastern culture, such that this parable was finally put into perspective for me by his explanation. I was able to apply it to my own daily circumstance in a way that was so helpful. This is the line that got to me:

"When we process our anger into Grace for others, there is a costly demonstration of unexpected love.” Ken Bailey quote from his dissertation of the Prodigal’s Son.

The “son” was me.

I find myself in anger a lot lately. Because of resentments, self-centered fear and judgment for what “others are doing wrong,”—In my humble opinion, ha ha. Nobody needs my opinion—not humble, not needed. It only aggravates me. They have no idea I am obsessing on it, unless I express it to them. So, because of my fear of confrontation for what I see as “wrong,” and my unwillingness to challenge that person in the moment, I internalize my upset. This turns into anger for me—which is not helpful for me OR them!

I used to drink over things like this. Not able to process in my mind what to do next, so I would check out. It was the “easier, softer way.” In sobriety, I have gone through the 12 step process. In Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. I wrote down my resentments for people, places and things. What my resentment was for, who it was for, how it affected me and the most important part of this process—wait for it…

My part in it.

Wow, this was a process that revealed so much to me. I had to own my part in any given situation. Look inside. Review what part I played in the resentment that I was carrying and then ask God to remove that character defect that was standing in my way of letting go of that. And, to forgive. Which releases me from the hamster wheel of constantly beating myself up over it. Then, in processing that, I was able to make amends to that person in a way that released both of us of the issue.

When I stop playing God and stop judging you for how you hurt me, and start looking at how you might be hurting too, it changes my perspective. Completely. This is where that statement hits me so perfectly upside the head like a baseball bat! "When we process our anger into Grace for others, there is a costly demonstration of unexpected love.”

I was the one who ran away. My addiction was separation from God. God never went anywhere. He was waiting there until I stopped my ugly behavior and God ran toward me as I admitted I was powerless and my life was unmanageable—just waiting to show me that costly demonstration of unexpected love. In my surrender, He not only forgave me, but ran toward me with open arms. Celebrating my return. Not holding any of my bad behavior against me. In that reunion, I was able to turn to others and grant them the same grace.

• This is life-changing for me.
• I was dead in my addiction, but now I am alive—living as God intended and now available for you.
• I pray this same surrender for you.

“‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”Luke 15:31-32

Luke 15:11-32 (full story of Prodigal Son—https://youtu.be/GcYDhDvQaRI)

HOPE—PAY IT FORWARD

HOPE: “A feeling of expectation or desire for something to happen; grounds for believing that something good may happen.”

My Higher Power is the God of the universe—a tremendous source of strength that is always with me unless I allow resentment to separate me from the sunlight of the spirit. My God does not cause tragedy nor does He find you parking places. The Spirit of the universe is much bigger than that. The meaning in life comes from our reaching out to each other and the sharing of love and hope.

I watch hopeless alcoholics trying to get sober every day, grab a hold of hope, of which I may possibly give them a glimpse, and begin a renewal of the spirit within themselves. This is God or Higher Power or Spirit. It is not self. Not you. Not me. We cannot access this universal power through our own self will. Surrendering self, we find all the power we need. MORE than enough. Overwhelming power that we never dreamed of, that carries us through situations that used to baffle us.

Through showing up, serving, and reaching out to another alcoholic, I just might help relight the candle of hope, helping them to access the power that was available to them all along. Sometimes we don’t get to thank or repay the people that help us when we first get sober. The thing we get to do is reach out and be available to another alcoholic who needs us, like someone did for us. In this way, we pay it forward.

If you hold your sponsor’s hand on one side and hold the hand of someone you sponsor on the other, you don’t have a hand left to pick up a drink.

“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.”

James 4:10

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EXPECTATIONS

Expectations are planned disappointments.

Think about it. If we go into any given situation with expectations of what should happen, we set ourselves up for disappointment if we don’t get the expected outcome.

I am really good at this. I am trying not to be. It’s one of the things I used to drink over. It didn’t turn out how I expected (or wanted it to). I was constantly setting myself up for failure. What a great excuse to check out.

On the other hand, when you put your trust and faith in God you can expect that He will be with you. God loves us all and only wants what is best for us, which may mean trials or blessings.

How do I stop my brain from expecting what I want and shift my thinking over to being in God’s will?

I have to consciously go into whatever is next with an open mind and literally say, “I am ready for this experience and will accept the outcome, whatever that is.” Then pray and trust God for the result. I don’t have to like it, but I do get to look for the gifts along the way, and there are many.

When you learn to live without expectations, everything is a gift.

“For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him.”

Psalm 62:5

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VICTIM OR VICTOR

Stuff happens. That doesn’t make me a victim.

I have failed. That doesn’t make me a failure.

I have suffered loss. That doesn’t make me a loser.

We all have trials, but they don’t have to define us and be excuses to stay stuck... “This is why I am the way I am.” When we tell the truth and get it out of our heads, we take all the power of its hold over us and we can let it go.

Even though I don’t drink anymore, I say I am an alcoholic in recovery because it gives power to my recovery. I can help others by identifying where I have come from, but it doesn’t continue to define me or keep me there.

I can claim my sobriety date as a defining moment when I step from victim —this happening to me—into victor, claiming God’s power over my obsession to drink and the thinking that controls it.

The victory lies in how we frame the circumstances and our thoughts. You can rearrange the old patterns you have in place by choosing to do so. You will begin to look at everything with new eyeglasses. It’s okay to ask for help from somebody close to you, and from God.

Step into the light just by how you view yourself. You are a victor.

See it. Believe it. Live it.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

2 Corinthians 12:9

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HUMBLED

This little doggy bowing was on the back of the number of days of sobriety I have today. My husband makes these gems for me every day. I carry it in my pocket. I have 6415 days today.

I am humbled. My husband making these numbers for me every day is a significant act of love for me, and alignment with me. It reminds me that I don’t have to do this recovery thing alone. I am forever grateful for his support in doing that for me from the beginning of my sobriety. Not taken lightly by me, for sure. I find it sitting on my counter by my coffee maker in the morning—daily. Tears. Humbled with a giggle.

At the end of my drinking I suffered humiliation. I had embarrassment for things I had done and who I had become. I was hopeless.

I found out that humility is not the same as humiliation.

Humility: Low estimate of one’s importance.

Humiliation: Feeling shame or injury to one’s dignity or self-respect.

Big difference.

I can have humility and not suffer humiliation.

Being humiliated, I am stuck in victim mode, jealousy, resentment and fear. You don’t even exist for me in that state. It’s all about me.

My ego becomes right-sized by being humble. I can look at others with respect and rejoice in their victories because mine are not threatened. I set aside my own ego and self-thought to make other’s needs important to me.

Today, humility is something I long for and intentionally try to practice. This little bowing puppy is a good reminder today that I am humble and thankful—To God and all of those who support me in sobriety.

Humbled today—again.

Ready to serve you. 

I am the number in YOUR pocket today!

“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.”
James 4:10

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FOCUS

What is my focus? Is it on my HOPES or my FEARS?

I can get so caught up in what makes me angry and how I want to change it—make it different. This only aggravates me and does not serve anybody else. Keeps me in fear. I can focus on my anger, or choose a different focus. Every decision I make affects the way I frame each day.

My pastor was talking about this very thing last weekend. He said to ask ourselves this question before we speak or act:

“Is it wise?” Wow. I needed to hear that. Sometimes saying or doing nothing is the wise thing to do. It may not be the “right” thing in my mind, but reacting out of my own anger and fear is not constructive. If I trust God and not my own thinking, the situation usually corrects itself without my help. What a concept.

In our 12 steps, it says we try to practice these principles in all of our affairs: "Step 12—Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry the message to others who still suffer, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”

I always seem to rise to the occasion and step up when the big stuff happens—disappointments, loss, death. It is the small stuff that throws me over the edge. The little stuff builds.

My husband said to me this morning, “I know I have it good, when my biggest problem is that the newspaper didn’t arrive this morning.” —said with a huge smile of gratitude on his face.

That’s what I call “broken shoelaces” I am trying to keep my focus on God’s will, not mine. That keeps me focused on the hope and not the fear in any given situation.

Let the choices we make reflect our Hopes and not our Fears.

I choose not to live in FEAR.

"Fools give full vent to their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back.”

Proverbs 29:11

"I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but I will not be mastered by anything.”

1 Corinthians 6:12

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EGO

"Egomaniac with an inferiority complex.” When I heard those words, after I first came into the program, I knew that was me—Self-centered and yet so insecure—Well, it’s not about me, after all, right?

That’s what I learned when I got sober.

I have heard it said that “EGO—is Edging God Out”

So true. When I edge God out, or take that huge element out of the equation, I cripple myself—by thinking I am in control. God and I cannot both be in control at the same time, or there wouldn’t be a relationship. My ego must be deflated and pushed aside to commune with God.

I talk, He listens—He talks, I listen

He is in control—I have surrendered.

Have you ever clung to something so passionately that you simply could not let go? Perhaps the struggle feels like life and death. That’s how the grip of alcohol felt on me. Maybe it’s another addiction that you are clinging to. I was strong-arming God to say, I can beat this (EGO)—when in fact, at the end, I could not stop without His help.

Humble yourself and let go of the control. Let go of the alcohol, drugs or other addiction and let God nestle right in there and complete the picture for your life. I don’t think you’ll regret it.

Try putting God first.

What have you got to lose?

“For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”

Matthew 23:12

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ACCEPTANCE

Just as the waves consistently roll in without my help, life happens without my having a say in it or my influence. I can’t change some things that bother me.

I have always had a problem with the word “acceptance,” and that has to do with my thinking that acceptance is this: me thinking I have to believe what you believe.

No.

Acceptance is when I stop resisting that you may think differently than me. What we resist, persists. In a prayer I know is a line that always gets to me, that defines acceptance: “Taking this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it.” When I hear those words, I feel calmed. I don’t have to like it or even participate in whatever it is. I just have to take things as they are. I still get to believe what I believe is the truth.

Wow! I like how God set that up. It’s just wrapping my brain around it that becomes the problem!

We have to cease fighting everyone and everything. When we allow this world to be as it is, we can let go of trying to fix that person or thing and focus on our own path of healing.

“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O LORD, my rock and my Redeemer.” Psalm 19:14

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HIDING

When I was in the last of my drinking days, I thought I was pretty good at hiding how much I was drinking.

Apparently not.

This cartoon reminds me of a conversation I had with my husband in the days leading up to my bottom. We were both trying to lose weight. It was the holidays and close to the new year of 2004. He was resolving to eat less sweets and soda. I was resolving to drink less beer, which included putting gin in my beer to get me drunk faster and consume less calories while doing so.

Sounds like a great plan, eh?

So, I asked him one day, “How is that chocolate chip cookie and coke diet working for you?” To which he replied, “Great. How is that beer and gin diet working for you?”

I froze.

I was mortified that he knew. I had no idea he knew how I was staying drunk on less beer. Hiding. I was obviously not hiding it from him. Of course, that didn’t make me practice this behavior less. I just chose to ignore it—until soon after that, I stopped the beer altogether and started drinking straight gin. Gin in my water bottle.

Hiding in plain sight.

My addiction sped up. It turned out to be a good thing and took me to my bottom faster. When I finally decided to stop, my body wouldn’t let me. Cold turkey was not an option for this body. After almost seizing and dying in the hospital, I woke up and realized why people go to detox. I had no idea my body had become that addicted and needed the straight alcohol at that point.

Everybody is different on levels of alcohol and stopping—withdrawal. What isn’t different is that other help is needed to stay stopped. If I could have stopped on my own before that point, I would have. I needed to completely surrender to God and then reach out for help from others in the form of meetings and finding a sponsor.

You can do this, I know.

If I did it, you can do it.

I’m here to help.

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”

1 John 1:9

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MEMORIES.

MEMORIES.

Lately, I have been obsessed with memories—stories from the past. Remembering funny things that happened in my family over which we all shared laughter. Joy. Sadness. Births. Deaths. Victories. Landmark life events.

What are memories? Past experiences remembered.

This time of year, we always review the previous year and then, look forward. This can be an agonizing process for some, as we may be leaving loved ones behind. Those we traveled to visit during the holidays and now have to go back home without. Precious family members long passed (or recently passed) that we miss. Loss of relationship. Loss of job or income. The future sometimes looks bleak without others or those shared memories. Looking back is not always pleasurable. It just is. We add the emotion to it. We get to choose to stay stuck there, or to acknowledge it and then move forward. The good news is that we get to take the memories with us.

Consider these sentences from “The Promises” that we read in our meetings, “We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.”

I find it fascinating that someone in my family can say just one word and I can giggle. It brings to mind an image that both of us remember and can share together. Connection. Community. I can bring up that memory all by myself, but talking about it and sharing it with somebody else, brings the other person’s perspective and emotions into it and gives the memory more meaning.

This concept is what meetings are all about for me. To hear somebody else’s story and identify with it in some way, gives my life more meaning. Validating our shared experience and giving us connection and hope. Reassurance that we are not alone. Connection going forward. Hopefully, not repeating those events that didn’t serve us, but that we can make new positive memories together. Hopeful. Giving us the ability to show up for others and be of service—together. Not wallowing in past mistakes nor staying stuck in being a victim. Choosing to walk forward into new territory. Trusting God for the outcome.

My sobriety is relational. I need relationship with God and with others. I need others with common stories around me. Not to pull each other into each others’ miserable past, but to pull each other out from the depths to create new sober memories together. When we share our victories, others get to be a part of our sobriety. Our new stories.

My resolutions for 2022 are these:

To stay in today, go to meetings, pray for others, reach out and give another person hope that they can stay sober today and show up for others too.

Fresh ground. Together. Possibility. Hope.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

Romans 15:13

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MORE.

I must say that I was not a fan of Santa as a little girl either.

The beard. The suit. Who was this guy? He didn’t look like anyone I knew and the last thing I wanted to do was get close to him, much less sit on his lap and be forced to smile for a photo or talk to him—ok—the candy. I loved candy. I would have done anything for candy. Candy made me happy. The sugar rush was my first “high"

More candy. More of everything. When I found alcohol, I found more of ME. More fun. More is better, right? Except when more became never enough. How much was enough? Two drinks? Six? Ten? Until I passed out? Apparently that was enough.

Addiction is the disease of more—of never enough. I was chasing that high forever after that first rush. Alcohol freed me from my fears in the world. Until it didn’t.

Enough was when I came to the end of me. I asked God for help and he gave it. Then, God freed me from the fears of this world. Today. I get to ask Him again tomorrow.

When I got sober, I didn’t have the crutch of alcohol anymore, I had to seek other behaviors that supported my sobriety. Going to meetings and talking with others like myself—hearing God talk to me through the victories they share. Praying for God’s will in my life. Helping others and getting out of my own head and thinking.

This photo is such a representation for me for all of the triggers surrounding the Holiday season. Especially now that I am sober. I know you can relate—

Parties. Drinking. Expectations. Disappointments. Invitations. No invitations. Family challenges. Loss. Death. Loved ones dead and gone. Memories of the past—bad and good. Photos on social media of “perfect lives.”

Ugh.

So what do I do now instead of cry and do the “poor me” thing?

I focus on gratitude. What I do have. I try and help others like myself. I practice self care (which is not selfish, by the way.) If I don’t take care of me first, I am not going to be available for others. How can I be of service to others if I am drunk, isolated or I don’t show up? My brother always calls it, “putting on your own oxygen mask first.” — Self care.

I don’t have to be in a drinking setting, especially when I am feeling vulnerable. Or, I can go to the party for a while and then leave. It starts to get a little easier each day I continue on the path of sobriety. Nobody ever said, “Stop drinking and all of your problems will go away.”

Hardly.

In fact, I have experienced harder things in sobriety. The difference now is that with the alcohol out of my way, my head is clearer so I can make better choices and respond to things that happen in a more informed way. Alcohol was “separation from God” for me. Now, I can partner with God and face everything I need to with confidence and peace, knowing God is right there with me.

This life is not easy, but, now I have the tools to walk peacefully in this world and shine God’s light for others.

I hope I see you in a meeting.

I want to hear God speak to me—through your story!

I need you.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33

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NOT ALONE

I found this photo yesterday. My husband and I were ziplining in Maui a few years ago. While it was exhilarating and freeing, it took a measure of trust and surrender to do that. To me, this is a picture of what sobriety looks like.

Surrender, trust and community—we don’t do sobriety alone.

Fear. Shame of admitting there’s a problem. Not knowing if I could do this life without alcohol. Out of my control. I am alone in this—all those thoughts were not true. But, how would I know that, if I didn’t take that first step of surrender?

Admitting there is a problem is the first step. I think of surrendering to God as grabbing hold of that invisible help line He throws out every day if I can only get outside my own head and see it. Surrendering to God’s will and not my own. My way was not working, so what did I have to lose? The moment I did that, I felt overwhelming freedom zipping forward—power to keep going.

I remember the exciting feeling of flying down that line and looking over to see my husband right there doing the same thing. I was not alone. The trust that I would be ok and have a safe landing felt better when I was doing it with another person who was trusting too.

That’s what meetings are like for me. The courage it took to walk through those doors the first time was huge. Once I did that, sat down and looked around—I felt the welcoming smiles of others like myself. I could do it again the next time. Just a little easier. Baby steps.

Listening to others tell their stories in meetings is like hearing God talk directly to me. People tell me they hear God’s voice. I hear Him talk through the stories of others in meetings. I am not alone. I get to see others like me who were walking through tough things. Not drinking or using but continuing to show up and speak each day, just for today. Sharing their experience, strength and hope. At first, it was all I could do to sit there and listen. Then do it again tomorrow. I learned that if they could do it, I could it too. Not ever drinking again was too much to think about.

Join me just for today.

Try it.

You are not alone.

“I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.”

Psalm 34:4

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SECRET WEAPON

Shhhh!

Don’t tell anybody, but I have a secret weapon—it works on anything for me. I can use it when... I feel fear, when I feel threatened, when people are coming against me, when the world seems crazy and confused, when I feel I don’t belong, when I feel dismissed, when I feel disappointed in people—all of it.

The trouble is I forget.

When I was drinking, I thought it was all up to me, so I would drink and it would calm me down and I would not have to be tormented by dealing with it or playing it in my head over and over again. Drinking was my temporary solution and all it did was confuse me more and give me a hangover.

Now that I am sober, I need to use other alternatives to help me cope. I forget I have access to the greatest power in the universe at any moment in time.

Prayer—That’s my secret weapon.

And, it can be yours too. The coolest part about it is, if I remember to pray and ask for strength, I can even do it in the moment of my greatest fear—in silence—when something is actually happening, right then.

Powerful tool.

The other cool thing about it is that it works. It instantly calms me down with the connection to God, Helps me to clear my head of the noise of the world around me at that moment. Helps me to focus on asking for peace and help for the other person in distress as I pray for them silently, helps me focus on the fact that I cannot affect what’s going on alone—I need God’s help. Prayer helps me focus on the bigger picture and not the small problem right in front of me. It helps me center and focus on God’s will for me and the power to carry that out.

I like knowing I have this secret weapon. It is like a shield and wall of protection from all the chaos that can and will come at me during the day. When peace comes, I am so much more ready to serve you and get out of myself and out of God’s way.

Another cool thing is that YOU can have this weapon too.

Try it. Pray silently and ask God to be there with you and help when you feel fear. See what happens. Then look for the evidence of God’s hand in the outcome.

“Pray continually.” 1 Thessalonians 5:17

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ABSOLUTES.

I woke up in the hospital on my 50th birthday after seizing from DTs—obviously, I didn’t die, but I could have. I had no idea about the detox process and that when you had been drinking as much alcohol as I had, you can’t just stop cold turkey. I learned that I needed help with the withdrawal process.

While in the hospital, I answered the phone with four days of sobriety and a friend said these words, “Does this mean that you will never drink again?” My mind could not wrap around the concept of “NEVER DRINKING AGAIN.”

My alcoholic brain cannot think in terms of absolutes—ALWAYS, NEVER, FOREVER. Those concepts are too big, too overwhelming—why bother stopping? I hadn’t been able to stop drinking for even a day by this point, so “never again” seemed impossible.

If I could have stopped on my own before this point, I would have. Once I surrendered to God and asked for help, I was able to start that process in that one day.

I have to stay in today, this day, and now.

That is all I have. I will not drink today. I will decide whether to drink again tomorrow. It is still a surprise, even to myself, that I have been able to string together many days in a row like that—one day at a time—by not looking too far ahead, not regretting the past, and planting my feet firmly in today. I am grateful for 6353 days today.

Thank you, God, for my sobriety this day.

Trust God. Don’t drink. Stay in today.

If I can do it, so can you.

“This is the day the LORD has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it.”

Psalm 118:24

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F.E.A.R.

False Evidence Appearing Real

If I look around in the world, I can find all the evidence I need to prove that I should stay in fear. It takes a measure of trust and faith to not buy into the false evidence.

I can’t be in fear and faith at the same time.

Fear tells us that we are small, powerless, and separate.

Faith affirms that we are great, creative, and connected.

Which voice do you choose to be your guide?

I am bigger than fear. I choose faith as I step forward to live in the light in glorious sobriety, for which I am grateful. Oh God, You paint the afternoon sky with miracles in mind. My tearful eyes joyfully receive the awesome stroke of your brush.

Thank you for another day of sobriety so that I can see God’s wonders before me every day.

Step into the Light with me.

I remain grateful.

“Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”

Hebrews 11:1

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NO CAP AND GOWN

I think the most disappointing thing about getting sober for me came when I figured out that it was a program from which I was not going to graduate.

Coming from a family of educators and loving school myself, I was somewhat of an overachiever—Okay, an extreme overachiever. I had to be the best. Get the highest grade. Succeed. Graduate with honors. A+.

When I got sober, I got a sponsor and started to work the steps. I was hooked. I went to work. Writing everything I could think of to tell my sponsor. Pages and pages of truth I wouldn’t tell anyone else. Ready. I was ready for the grade. Ready for my sponsor to tell me that I had passed—gotten the A+—succeeded.

We spent several hours going through this together—I cried, I told the truth, I said everything. I looked at my sponsor and said, “How’d I do?” waiting for the stamp of approval and the A+.

And she said with a knowing smile, “Oh, there’s more.”

What? I was mad. She might as well have given me an F–minus! It took me several weeks to figure out that I was not going to graduate from this program. When I got that, it was the most comforting feeling ever. I didn’t need the grade. There is no right or wrong answer. No cap and gown—just safety. A place to go and always tell the truth and be accepted no matter where I was in the process of “there’s more.”

I was growing up—finally. I was going to make this program part of my daily life and study myself for as long as I would live. I need to continue to look at myself, and God will continue to reveal what I need to know on a daily basis when I look at it and become willing to change. God loves us too much to leave us in the condition we are now in.

There is always more.

I’m ready to keep growing today.

“Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing.”

James 1:4

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CHANGE FOR A DOLLAR

In meetings we have the 7th tradition, which states that we are self-supporting through our own contributions. We do that by passing a basket around every meeting and putting a dollar in each time. Not required. It is very cheap therapy. Sometimes, I can sit in a meeting and learn more about myself than when I talk to a therapist for many dollars more an hour.

I heard this phrase early in sobriety: “A meeting is the only place you can get change for a dollar.”

Funny, but so true.

I am not sitting there waiting for change. I am changing as I am sitting there. Just by putting myself in the chair and listening, I am saying to myself and others, “I am open to doing things differently.”

Why? Because what I was doing before was not working.

The serenity prayer is so important and succinct.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can. And, the wisdom to know the difference.”

Admitting I can’t change you. Willing to change me. And, having that wisdom to know the difference. Cease fighting everyone and everything. Not giving up—shifting direction. Allowing new thoughts to guide me.

I am not even going to do the math on all of the “change for a dollar” that I have received over the years. It is priceless. All I have to do is show up. Sit in the seat. Put the dollar in the basket. Listen to God speak to me through all of the people in the room. Watch the transformation happen before my eyes. Experience the change in me—and—not quit before the miracle happens.

Serenity to accept—Courage to change—Wisdom to know

I know I have changed.

I still have work to do.

I am grateful.

“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.”

Psalm 51:10

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CONSCIOUS CONTACT

I heard a friend talk about how it is impossible to hear God when we are still talking. Had to giggle.

Sounds obvious, eh?

She said that it looks something like when she is trying to discipline her kids and they are chattering back at her. Wow. Great picture. How can I hear from God if I don’t stop talking and cluttering my mind with the input of the world?

This is the 11th month and when we stop our addictive behaviors and start the work of sobriety, we walk through the 12 steps with our sponsor to identify triggers and problems with our thinking. Then, we continue work with the maintenance—Steps Ten, Eleven and Twelve.

Walking through the 12 Steps, one per month, we find ourselves focusing on:

Step 11 “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out”

Spiritual growth and development occur slowly and only through discipline and reliance upon God. Our relationship with God is our most important asset. And, having a relationship with God is impossible without communication. As we draw nearer to God in Prayer and meditation, we draw closer to our source of power, serenity, guidance, and healing.

To ignore the need to communicate with God is to unplug our power source.

Meditation can quiet our minds and remove barriers from our conscious thoughts. Well, sometimes quiet is hard for me. So much input in this world, TV, phone, other people talking...Even my own prayers can be too loud. I have to force myself to stop talking. Communication is two-way.

Look at the ocean. Look up at the sky, or wake to this overwhelming and beautiful sunrise!!

And—be still.

No peace can happen until that. It is a conscious decision to remain in conscious contact with God.

I show up sober and God shows me His will today.

“Be still, and know that I am God.”

Psalm 46:10

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NOW

I have a problem staying in the now. I always want to know what’s next? Then what. What’s after that? This thought process gets me into trouble and into future-tripping. Anxious for what may be in the future, how I don’t want to repeat my past mistakes. It also led me to drinking to shut off my mind, so I wouldn’t worry. To quiet the torment of crazy thoughts.

Regrets and What ifs. Not useful.

These anxious thoughts take me from this moment and from appreciating what God has placed before me right now.

I had a friend who wore a watch where the face didn’t have hands for the hour or minutes or even numbers. It just said, “NOW” She wore it as a reminder to stay present in this moment, this day.

I woke up sober this morning to this view.

I rejoice in today.

I am glad.

“The LORD has done it this very day; let us rejoice today and be glad.”

Psalm 118:24

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HOLDING PATTERN

I heard somebody say this in a meeting:

“Resentments are a holding pattern for hurt.”

Wow. Talk about a great flight analogy.

We were flying high while drinking and drugging, not thinking about anything but escape. At our bottoms, we either crashed the plane, or landed it rather bumpily and jumped out of the plane thankfully, wondering where we were and how to get to safety.

Drinking and drugging are but a symptom. Once we got off that horrendous flight and we stopped that destructive behavior, we realized we are hanging onto underlying feelings, upsets and hurts that were keeping us stuck. When we take the confusion of the alcohol out of the mix, we see there is a whole flight schedule of skewed thoughts lined up that we didn’t notice before—the list is long. Our upsets, resentments and hurts soaring around in a holding pattern up there in our heads flying around.

Well, the good news is that there is a way out! So, how do we deal with those resentments? For me, it was a spiritual awakening as the result of the 12 steps.

Step One: We admit powerlessness, Step Two: We come to believe restoration is possible. Step Three: We turn our will over to God.

Then, the work starts in Step Four: Looking inside. Listing our resentments on paper. My sponsor drew a grid for me that had these headings across the top:

Name — Resentment for — How I was affected — My part — Action to take

I wrote in the boxes under the headings the people for whom I was holding a resentment. Then, filled in each column and talked it out with my sponsor. So helpful to get on paper and see. Not only did I see what I was hanging onto, but how ridiculous it looked out here on paper and out of my head. I was able to see clearly what happened, what was not mine to carry and then, the most important part about the process—

My part.

It helped me to own what it was I could about the person or interaction. Then, to determine if I was blaming them or just continuing to rehearse the situation over and over, blaming myself. Then, I was able to take off again and go forward into what action to take in the last column. Sometimes there was nothing to do, other than to let go of it, or of them. Sometimes it was to forgive them. I cannot change them. Sometimes it was to pray for them. I can only own my part.

Then, I get to Let Go and Let God — I do my part and then let God do the heavy-lifting.

Trust God with the outcome.

Steps 4 through 9 are the “meat” of the program—the work on ourselves. Steps 10 through 12 are the maintenance steps to keep us in check, stay connected to God, and share what we have learned with others who are still suffering.

The spiritual awakening part. It’s not about me. I become an instrument. I show up sober and willing and God does the rest.

Try it.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”

Proverbs 3:5-6

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