DOS EQUIS—IV

I was in a chip meeting where a man was getting his twenty-four-year chip. He had been a beer drinker like I was. My drug of choice was Corona. His was Dos Equis XX.

The chip person was looking for the chip with the Roman numeral for TWENTY FOUR and asked, “what am I looking for?”

And the guy getting the chip said, “You’re looking for a Dos Equis IV— two XXs and an IV—or at least that was what I was looking for when drinking!”

The room busted out in laughter. It was funny, yet not. A IV of beer. He had accumulated Twenty Four years, one day at a time and had overcome his need for a Dos Equis IV!

I don’t need the IV of beer anymore. Now, my drug of choice is you. Being in a meeting with you and hearing what God has to tell me. When you open your mouth and share, I get to hear from God. A direct IV to God. So, please don’t stop coming to meetings and talking because I need you.

It is the high I seek now in sobriety.

There’s a reason we say at the end of meeting, “Keep coming back, it works.” It may not be working for you yet, but it’s working for the other person to hear you or see you in your seat. It’s one way of being of service, just to show up and take our seat. The other person may be looking for your face just for reassurance that day. I know I did. You have to stay in your seat long enough for it to work.

Hope to see you there. I need you.

“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, 25 not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another.”

Hebrews 10:24-25

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CIRCUMSTANCES

I have heard so many times in meetings that people say they “slip” over circumstances happening in their lives—whether it be a death, or a broken shoelace.

It’s relapse. A slip is because drinking was an option that was still on the table.

I believe that a SLIP is and acronym for: Sobriety Losing Its Priority.

A slip is something that you do on a banana peel, like in the cartoons. An accident. A mistake.

Relapse is a choice. We may not believe it at the time, but, so many things lead up to that decision. We have stopped taking all of the precautions that keep us from finally making that decision to drink. When drinking or using is an option, it will always become a real choice at some point. We will use that excuse, whatever it is, to drink or use.

When I got sober, I realized that I had to take drinking off the table as a solution. It was not an option for me anymore. Some people call that a “reservation.”— “I don’t know what I will do if THIS particular thing happens.”

Just saying that leaves the door open.

My sponsor sat me down in early sobriety and said, “I want to talk to you about relapse.” I was confident at that point that I was finished drinking—we all are confident at that point, right? She told me that relapse wasn’t just about the moment we take that drink—it is about all of the choices we make leading up to that moment. That is what she wanted to teach me. How to protect myself. How to put the processes in place to protect against that final decision.

Circumstances happen. Good or bad. They will always happen, whether we are sober or not. It is how we respond to the circumstances that affect our sobriety. Learning those tools were so important for me.

Sobriety is a process and program of action. My tools are: Meetings, fellowship with others like me, working my steps with my sponsor, serving others, and lots of prayer.

I don’t want to relapse, so that is my plan.

What’s yours?

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

John 16:33

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YOU CAN'T HEAL WHAT YOU DON'T REVEAL

And, sometimes it gets revealed for us. God reveals things right in front of me that, quite possibly, I don’t want to see. Yep. Turns the light on.

If we are not willing to see what is right before us, well, that’s called denial. Of which, I was quite guilty while drinking.

In Step Four of the 12 Steps, we become willing to look inside and we make a searching and moral inventory. We have to turn the light on. We have to reveal things that haven’t come out before so the healing can begin. This is hard for so many people, as there is pain involved.

How can we recover when we are holding onto so much pain that keeps us stuck? I really believe that we can make ourselves physically and spiritually sick—holding onto pain we carry from being hurt in the past, holding onto resentments, festering fears—all of these keep us stuck in a prison of our own making.

It was much easier to drink and shut it out for me in the past. Once I was taught how to reveal that hurt to someone else, by speaking it out, I realized the power had been sucked right out of it the moment I said it out loud!

Wow. Just like that, when I revealed it, the healing began. It felt like a plug had been pulled, so I could let the pain drain out. I am sure you’ve heard it said that holding onto a resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Yeah, well, it sounds ridiculous, but it is so true. Laughably true.

The good things that came out of step 4 for me were:

1) Being able to own my part in any given situation.

2) After owning it, being able to stay on my side of the street and let go of what wasn’t mine to own.

3) Letting go of blame.

4) Trusting God for my unreal fears. Hardly ever did my fears manifest to actual truth.

5) Being able to speak my truth out loud and watch the power I had given that one thing disappear and heal the pain caused by my hanging onto it.

Try turning the light on. It helps and it works.

Or, see the light being turned on for you, by God, and pay attention.

I did and it changed my life.

It can happen for you too, if we show up for the work.

“These things God has revealed to us through the Spirit. For the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God.”

1 Corinthians 2:10

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EVERYBODY KNOWS AN ALCOHOLIC OR AN ADDICT, RIGHT?

So true.

If you have not identified yourself as an alcoholic, you probably know somebody who you think is an alcoholic. Or, who needs recovery from some addiction. Yes?

Most can identify with this. I surely can—I am an alcoholic in recovery. I still say that I am an alcoholic because I need to remind myself daily of that fact. I have learned that to have a chance at staying sober, I need to say this truth out loud to me and to others. I also have learned that I cannot keep what I am not willing to give away.

Whew. That means I need to keep showing up for others, which is what I intend to do for the rest of my life.

When I wrote my books on recovery, it started out by me wanting to share what I had learned in sobriety with others in the hopes that they could get sober and remain sober too.

Now I know that God has written these books through me for a broader audience—for those surrounding the alcoholic and addict who don’t know how to help—or what to do for their alcoholic they know and love. When we know more about what we are dealing with, our understanding will hopefully be expanded and we can be of better support to the one struggling.

I have learned so much about dealing with the addicts or alcoholics in my life. I would like to share some suggestions you may want to consider:

1) Never try and reason with or talk to someone who is actively drinking or using. Gently extract and say you will be there for them to talk when they are sober.

2) Know that this addiction/recovery is a process— when we are at the bottom of our disease, we are in survival mode and the simpler the message, the better. This is where a gentle spirit coming along side them (YOU) can make all the difference for them to get to a place where they can surrender to God and get the help they need. The less we pressure, the better. Friends have told me that they have put my simple-read-books on their coffee table as a gentle nudge (for them to pick up on their own.)

3) Recovery is about relationships—restoration of relationship with family and others and with God. If I could have gotten sober on my own power I would have done so long before I was 50 years old! The difference for me was God.

4) Listen and then point them to God. Pray with them. If they resist this, pray for them on your own.

5) Point them to AA meetings, NA meetings, or Al-Anon meetings.

6) The key to maintaining sobriety is a daily treatment of surrender, prayer, meetings and service. They have to want their sobriety more than you want it for them.

7) Know that there is always a way out and help for them. Never give up on them.

and last, but not least...

8) Know that there is always hope.

Don’t quit five minutes before the miracle.

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”

James 5:16

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OUT OF MY MIND

No—I am not out of my mind.

But, I do want to get out of my mind.

I heard someone say in a meeting, “My mind is like a dangerous neighborhood. I don’t want to go there alone.” That’s why we have meetings.

Stopping drinking and drugging is one thing, but how do we stop our addictive thinking that leads us down the path back to using? The quickest way out of my own mind is to be of service to someone else! Service gets me out of my mind of selfish thinking and into what I can do to help the next person in need.

Also, I go to a meeting and tell on myself. When I say the truth out loud, however crazy it sounds, it takes the power out of it. It always seems so much bigger in my head than it does out here in the world. Others get to identify and I feel like I am not alone in this thinking when I speak it out—especially when I see a lot of heads nodding in agreement in the room.

The Big Book defines alcoholism as: “An allergy of the body coupled with an obsession of the mind.” this makes so much sense to me and answers the question for me of physical disease, as it affects the body—When we drink or use, our body gets use to it and becomes addicted to needing more and more to maintain a level of comfort or just to stay even. Being a hereditary disease, as members of our family are alcoholics, we are predisposed to becoming one ourselves. That is not to say we do become addicts/alcoholics, but the predisposition is there. These are not proven facts, which makes addiction a hard disease to treat medically.

The Psychological part of the disease is the obsession of the mind. The dictionary definition of obsession is: “a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling” (the obsession to drink or use)

The way I treat my disease every day:

• Prayer and connecting with God

• Attending meetings

• Talking to my sponsor and others in the program

• Sponsor women by working the steps with them

• Being of service to others.

And, last thought—Be kind to yourself. You are a work in progress!

“Do not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another.”

Hebrews 10:25

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SUNLIGHT OF THE SPIRIT

While going through some old photos, I found this beauty of four sunflowers. I received this arrangement from a friend in celebration for by sobriety birthday. It reminded me of something I heard in a meeting the other day...

Addiction cuts us off from the Sunlight of the Spirit.

These four sunflowers represent the four phases of the steps that bring us back into the Sunlight of the Spirit:

Give up—Steps 1-3

Fess up—Steps 4-7

Make up—Steps 8-9

Show up—Steps 10-12

I thought that summed it up pretty well.

Give up—Fighting ourselves—We first admit we were powerless in Step One. Then in Step Two we looked outward to something other than ourselves (came to believe). Then, in Step Three we decided to turn our will and lives over to God.

Fess up—Now, we look inward in Step Four, and search our hearts for weaknesses and errors. We made an inventory of our resentments, wrongs and fears. Then in Step Five, we admitted them all out loud to ourselves, another and to God. We looked at our character defects in Step Six and were finally ready to have God help us remove these if we are humble in Step Seven.

Make up—Now we need to do clean up. Own our stuff. Clean up our side of street. Step Eight is making a list of those we have harmed. We become willing, once again, to make it up to those people, or apologize. Step Nine is pretty difficult, as we face off the people in person to whom we need to make amends. One at a time. As they come up. Sometimes these situations and people present themselves—God doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. People will appear right in front of us in the perfect timing. We need to seize the opportunity that is placed before us to release them and ourselves from the angst that previously entangled us.

Whew! The Promises (as people in the program know) start playing out in our lives after our work up to this point. Now, we just need to continue to...

Show up—for the life God intended for us to live in the Sunlight of the Spirit. We become daily accountable for our thoughts and actions in Step Ten. When we have made a misstep, we clean it up right away. What a relief to be able to do this daily, freeing ourselves of the build-up of stuff we don’t need to carry forward. In Step Eleven, we get to continually seek God and keep our connection open. That is the source of our power in all we think and do. His Will will be carried out if we seek him and stay available. In this awakening that we have after all of this work, Step Twelve helps us carry the message of all that we have learned in this process to others who still suffer. Be of service.

This step process has been, and continues to be a glorious gift in my life for 5415 days in a row.

I am humbled and grateful.

“Humble yourselves before the Lord and He will lift you up.”

James 4:10

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RECALCITRANT WEED

Last week, as I sat listening to a fellow alcoholic share in a meeting, I amused myself thinking of the metaphor in her story. She described relapsing and how she fell into it rather easily. Going out on pain pills prescribed for surgery after many years of alcohol sobriety.

She told the story of how she ended up falling off a small stool while weeding. She was pulling on a rather recalcitrant weed (her words!) The weed would NOT come out. She put all of her might and will into it and it finally came out and she toppled over onto her hip and injured herself again. Instant excuse for relapse.

Recalcitrant weed—what a great metaphor for addiction itself.

Dictionary definition of Recalcitrant:

1. (adjective) having an obstinately uncooperative attitude toward authority or discipline.

2. (noun) a person with an obstinately uncooperative attitude.

Synonyms: uncooperative, obstinately disobedient, intractable, unmanageable, ungovernable, insubordinate, defiant, rebellious, mutinous, willful, wayward, headstrong, self-willed, contrary.

I was every one of those synonyms while drinking.

In sobriety now, if I am not diligent about pulling the stubborn weeds of addiction each day, they can grow and take over my thinking once again. I have to dig deep to pull out the roots, so the weeds don’t return. I don’t have to use self-will anymore to overcome the unwelcome weeds.

Now, I jump into action with the tools that I learned in sobriety:

• Praying for strength—noticing the weeds

• Working the 12 steps—weeding

• Talking to my sponsor—cleaning out the soil

• Being of service to others—planting flowers

• Going to meeting and to hear others’ victory stories of hope—fertilizing the soil

• Trusting God for the outcome—watching the growth

I like to call flowers God smiles. When I gaze at beautiful flowers, I feel like God is smiling at me.

I need to use my tools of sobriety to pull out the weeds of addiction by the roots and plant those God smiles in the soil that I am enriching day by day.

You can do it too!!

Thank you God, for the reminder in nature of the purpose for which you intended me!

“For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse.”

Romans 1:20

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REMEMBERING

LEFT PHOTO: Pat Tillman MIDDLE PHOTO: Heidi and Mom RIGHT PHOTO: My sister, Holly and Me

Hard week—But only if I focus on the death part.

I am choosing to remember the good today.

• Monday, April 22nd was the day Pat Tillman was killed—my stepson’s brother-in-law and also, the death that took me to the bottom of my drinking in 2004.

• Tuesday, April 23rd was the day my mother died in 2015.

• Today, April 26th, would have been my sister’s 66th birthday. Holly died last year in May.

Instead of being sad and depressed, I am choosing to remember all of the good and NOT drink!

For Pat—I choose to remember the ultimate sacrifice he made for others by his own choice. The Pat’s Run in Arizona is this weekend that raises money for Military families and for Tillman Scholars.

For my Mom—I choose to remember all of the wisdom she shared with me and her unconditional love that brought me through many trials—including being there when I got sober almost 15 years ago.

For my sister, I choose to remember what buddies we were as kids. How we laughed and cried throughout our lives. How we did silly stuff together. Being only 14 months apart in age, we were much like twins.

I choose life. I choose to remember and carry them forward with me every day. Those memories are mine to keep forever. Nobody can take them away.

This weekend, we have the privilege of babysitting our grandsons’ dog, Woody, as the family goes off to Arizona for Pat’s Run. Dash, my 8-year-old labradoodle will be thrilled. My almost 17-year-old Diamond girl doggy will ignore them both and sleep. It will be a wonderful 3-dog weekend.

My heart is full of the joy of my memories.

I am blessed. I am sober to feel it all. I am grateful.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.”

Psalm 23:4

Dash, Diamond and Woody

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NEW LIFE AFTER DEATH

It’s Good Friday.

And—Easter is coming!

Recently, a friend was sharing with me about losing her best friend to cancer. We were talking about grief and what that looked like. We are both in recovery. She mentioned that it felt overwhelming and exhausting—a lot like early sobriety.

So true.

When we lose people in our lives, how do we go on without them? When we give up drinking and drugging, it is almost like a death. We don’t know how to live our lives without that yet. That thing that has always been there—our addiction—an old friend. Comfort. Whether it was to mask the loss temporarily, or to just not deal with it—it worked. For a while. Then it didn’t.

Death has always been a drinking trigger for me. Death took me to my bottom around this time of year in 2004. In the last five years, I have lost my mother, sister and niece. I have not had to drink over any of those losses. I still have the sadness that never goes away, just diminishes over time. I never liked the terms closure or move on. To me, those terms imply ending or leaving behind. With the loss of people I love, I want to carry those memories of them with me into the future and into my life going forward. I am not trying to get over them. Even though they are not here anymore, they are still with me.

My go-to on loss, is to be mad. Mad is easier than sad for me. This has been my pattern. Mad seems productive and I can express that in a way that doesn’t hurt others, through exercise, walking, writing, and talking about it. Just crying about it does not help for me. Although, it does feel like healing is happening after the tears. Allowing the stages of grief process to unfold is so hard because I am a control freak, but is necessary for moving forward.

Drinking is not an option for me now. So, instead of drinking when I feel my grief starting to overwhelm, I do the same things I did in early sobriety—

• Don’t isolate.

• Go to meetings.

• Talk to people and tell them what I am feeling.

• Go for a walk with the dogs.

• Pray to God for strength and comfort.

A year ago at this time, I lost my sister. I am reminded of her because the finches are building their nests now again around our house. Last year, they built one of their nests in a light fixture on our deck. My nephew (my sister’s oldest son) reminded me that “new life is found in the light!” I love that—and will forever remember to stay in the light of new life.

I have to not dwell in dark thinking, but know that there will always be new life in the light. The darkness of this world cannot overcome the light of God. With life and light, we can move boldly through the darkness of this world as a witness for the one who is the source of light.

“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” John 1:5

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NO CAP AND GOWN

I think the most disappointing thing about getting sober for me came when I figured out that it was a program from which I was not going to graduate. Coming from a family of educators and loving school myself, I was somewhat of an overachiever.

Okay, an extreme overachiever. I had to be the best. Get the highest grade. Succeed. Graduate with honors. A–plus.

When I got sober, I got a sponsor and started to work the steps. I was hooked.

I went to work. Writing everything I could think of to tell my sponsor. Pages and pages of truth I wouldn’t tell anyone else. Ready. I was ready for the grade. Ready for my sponsor to tell me that I had passed—gotten the A–plus—succeeded.

We spent several hours going through this together—I cried, I told the truth, I said everything. I looked at my sponsor and said, “How’d I do?” waiting for the stamp of approval and the A–plus.

And she said with a knowing smile, “Oh, there’s more.”

What? I was mad. She might as well have given me an F–minus! It took me several weeks to figure out that I was not going to graduate from this program. When I got that, it was the most comforting feeling ever. I didn’t need the grade. There is no right or wrong answer. No cap and gown—just safety. A place to go and always tell the truth and be accepted no matter where I was in the process of “there’s more.”

I was growing up. I was going to make this program part of my daily life and study myself for as long as I would live. I need to continue to look at myself, and God will continue to reveal (peel away the layers) what I need to know on a daily basis when I look at it and become willing to change.

There is always more.

“For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open.”

Luke 8:17

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HOW COULD I NOT GO?

In my 9th year of sobriety, I heard from a friend who had been on mission trips to Zambia many times. She had talked to a pastor there who had alcoholics coming into his church and wanted to know what he should do. My friend called me, knowing I was in recovery.

I went online to find a meeting. Realizing that the nearest one was over 50 miles away and very few people there have cars, I decided to prepare materials for them on how to start a meeting. I went to my recovery group meetings at my church and got funding to buy books to send. I packed up the books, included notes on how to run a meeting, and merrily sent off the package to Zambia, Africa. The package got stuck in customs and never arrived. Four months went by. I was very disappointed.

Months later, out of the clear blue, I heard this distinct message from God, “I didn’t want you to send books. I wanted to send YOU.”

I did NOT want to go to Africa, but I knew in that moment I would go.

Not only was I in Zambia talking to women about alcoholism on the day I got sober exactly ten years prior, I was speaking on the hour I got sober. God was very specific about where I should be on that day. Not in a million years did I think that I would be talking to people in Africa ten years later about staying sober—I was just trying to stop drinking for that day in 2004!

While there in Zambia, I got to visit that pastor and to sit across from him in his dirt-floor church talking about his meeting for alcoholics. I realized that God had taken me halfway around the world to encourage this one man—and that was enough.

My purpose now is to carry this message to other people who struggle with addiction as I have struggled in the past. And, to know there is a solution and there is hope.

My hope is that my books encourage you and lift you on your recovery journey.

“Then I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, ‘Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?’ Then I said, ‘Here am I. Send me!’ ” Isaiah 6:8

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POWER OUTAGE

I always thought that when I stopped drinking all of the fun would stop.

Until the fun stopped while I was drinking. Forget fun! That wasn’t even on my radar. I had to figure out how I was going to live this life without alcohol.

Yikes. Scary. No clue.

I was having a power outage, not knowing that I had made alcohol my power. When it discontinued its usefulness, I had to replace that source. That answer. That solution. It obviously wasn’t working for me anymore.

When you’re having a power outage and the lights go out, what do you do? Call for someone to fix it. Go to the source. It’s the same with my body, mind and spirit. I have to go to the source to fix it.

“God, I’m having a power outage. Please help me.”

Those words saved my life.

I promise the fun in your life will return. Really. I can have fun without alcohol and thrive with others like myself. It is not a prison sentence like I looked at it before: “I am the only one here at this party NOT drinking. Poor me.”

Not.

There are others like me (and you) in the room. We just don’t know it yet. Somehow we find each other and give each other that support and the hug we need—.

“He must become greater; I must become less.”

John 3:30

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MISSING PIECE

A dear friend of mine gave me this card. The inside was blank. Well, here is what I would put on the inside if I were to send this card to you...

____________________________________________

Yes, this photo is a graphic of the Missing Piece. And, when it comes to my life, God completes the puzzle that is me. God is the missing piece—AND the missing peace.

I have heard it said that “EGO is Edging God Out”

So true. When I edge God out, or take that piece out of the equation, I cripple myself—by thinking I am in control. God and I cannot both be in control at the same time, or there wouldn’t be a relationship. My ego must be deflated and pushed aside to commune with God.

He talks, I listen—I talk, He listens.

He is in control—I have surrendered.

Have you ever clung to something so passionately that you simply could not let go? Perhaps the struggle feels like life and death. That’s how the grip of alcohol felt on me. Maybe it’s another addiction that you are clinging to.

I was strong-arming God to say, I can beat this (EGO)—when in fact, at the end, I could not stop without His help.

Try putting that last puzzle piece into your heart.

Humble yourself and let go of the control. Let go of the alcohol, drugs or other addiction and let God nestle right in there and complete the picture for your life. I don’t think you’ll regret it.

What have you got to lose?

“For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”

Matthew 23:12

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STINKIN' THINKIN'

---

Recently, somebody asked me if I still consider myself an alcoholic and asked why I still go to meetings. Well, that’s easy. It’s the thinking, not the drinking that still causes me angst. I still have alcoholic thinking even though I am not drinking anymore—and have not been drinking for a long time—5359 days, to be exact.

The stopping drinking part was actually the easy part. Well, after I surrendered and gave that part of the obsession to God (He did the heavy-lifting on that end.) The hard part for me is that I still have crazy thoughts that may lead to crazy behaviors, if left untreated.

Untreated?

Yes, that’s where the meeting part comes in. Going to a meeting is my treatment to keep me in sobriety. I can sit with others and hear them express some of the same thoughts that have been rolling around in my head. It makes me feel like I am not crazy and I am not the only one with those dangerous thoughts.

Like, maybe after all this time, I am not really an alcoholic and I can just have one beer.

What?

Who am I kidding? I have never had one beer in my entire life! That’s where the replacement phrases come into my head because I have retrained my brain, like— “You can’t get drunk if you don’t take the first drink”

I believe there is a force out there that wants to not only trip us up, but make us fall flat on our faces in utter defeat. I heard this story about a Cherokee brave and it reminds me of how I handle my sobriety:

__________________________________________

 One evening, an elderly Cherokee brave told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. “

My dear one, the battle between two ‘wolves’ is inside us all. One is evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.

The other is good. It is: joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”

The grandson thought about it for a moment and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf wins?”

The old Cherokee replied, “The one you feed.”

__________________________________________

We need to monitor our thoughts each day. All of the thoughts that make up our thinking that cause our behaviors.

Here’s how I feed the Good Wolf:

• Decide to do something for my sobriety each day

• Stay in gratitude

• Think about how I can serve or reaching out to someone who needs help

• Call a friend in sobriety

• Go to a meeting

• Pray each day—throughout the day

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

Philippians 4:8

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NINE WORDS TO FREEDOM

I can’t. God can. I think I’ll let Him.

I think I did the first three steps on my couch when I woke up from a stupor on my last day of drinking and said those nine words.

I haven’t had a drink since that day—5,352 days ago.

Those words really are the key to freedom. I tried for many years to stop drinking on my own. I prayed and prayed for God to help me not drink—when I was really asking for Him to help me manage my drinking.

I didn’t want to stop. I didn’t think I COULD stop.

But, of course, I was envisioning that I had something to do with it. “It” being, the miracle that would happen when I truly gave it to God and said, “I can’t do this. Please take it.”

And, He did.

What do you have to lose by trying it? Truly let go and be all in. Trust that God has a way out for you. You are asking for a miracle, I know. That’s what I thought too. Well, according to the dictionary definition of the word, “miracle,”—that is what we are asking for.

Miracle: a surprising and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is therefore considered to be the work of a divine agency.

If I could have stopped drinking on my own years before my 50th birthday, I would have. I needed a miracle and got one.

Because I asked.

You can do this too. Ask for the miracle of your sobriety today. Truly mean it. Do your part and God will handle the strength part!

Then, wait and see. One day at a time.

If I can do it, so can you.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”

Matthew 7:7

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ALL OF ME

I think God is calling me to slow down and do SOME of the things with all of me and not ALL of the things with some of me.

I have always had a problem putting too much on my schedule and getting it all done, but being frazzled and not doing any one thing very well. I didn’t want to be left out or miss anything—so I over-committed, giving just some of myself to too many things.

Always worried about “everything I had to do.”

Then, I am jerked back to this moment by somebody in need. God has a way of saying, “Whoa, whoa, whoa girl, look at what is happening right here in front of you, right now!”

Take the bread crumbs left on the ground and follow them. We don’t get to know where the bread crumbs always lead, but when we trust that this is where we are supposed to be and God has a plan for that moment and the moments to follow, peace always comes.

Ahhhhhhhhh... Thank you, God, for slowing me down to see what you have planned for me, right here.

Right now.

God has my attention now. All of the time.

I’m all in.

7th Step Prayer

My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad.  I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me the strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding.  Amen.

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

Romans 12:2

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WANTING IT

When I look at this sunset I think, “What a tremendous gift. Who would NOT WANT to receive such an awesome present?” I want to see this beauty, receive it and hold onto it. Yet some people totally miss it. I don’t need to watch a sunset, but I sure do want to! I also want to share it with everybody else and give it away—much like my recovery.

Recovery is for people who want it.

Not for people who need it.

While sponsoring other women, my sponsor always tells me, “Heidi, they have to want their sobriety more than you want it for them.” When I finally saw the light for myself, I wanted that for everyone else.

The relief that said—I don’t have to carry this by myself anymore.

I can’t force them to get there. I remember being so disappointed when someone I was sponsoring relapsed yet again. I took it personally, like there was something I could have done or said to make that not happen. My sponsor said to me, “Heidi, you are not that powerfu!”

Oh, yeah. I am not God.

Here is what I can do:

I can pray for them.

Stand ready to help when they are ready to receive the gift.

Listen when they reach out.

“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.”

Galatians 6:2

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Whack-A-Mole

Remember the arcade game, Whack-A-Mole?

When we babysit my grandsons’ dog, the three dogs are inseparable. I took this photo as I drove up to the house one day. So cute and reminds me of the Whack-A-Mole game, because they are rarely up there at the same time. One will pop up, then the next and then another, always making me smile. Okay, Enough about cute dogs—the point is Whack-A-Mole.

The object of the Whack-A-Mole game is this: There are many moles that keep popping up in a bunch of holes. You have a rubber mallet to beat them back down into the hole. The Whack-A-Mole game is an illustration of how I deal with my challenges and problems. They keep popping up and I keep whacking them down—trying ever-so-fruitlessly to keep them at bay. It just reminds me that I think I have the mallet and the solution in my life, but it is just an illusion. The challenges and problems will always come back if I keep trying to solve them in my own will. In my drinking days, alcohol was the solution if I was baffled and couldn’t figure it out.

In using alcohol, it was like I became one of the moles that I whacked, temporarily beating down the problem with the mallet (alcohol.) But, when I sobered up, there were the problems all lined up again all ready for the mallet to pound them down and keep them at bay. Alcohol is not my solution anymore. And, my thoughts controlling the situation can’t be the solution either.

As you know, this kind of negative thinking begets itself continuing the negative cycle, which keeps us in circular tormented thinking. My only hope is to surrender and put down the mallet. Hand the mallet over to God and ask for help with the solutions to any given situation.

My husband recently came up with a term called the Grace Cycle to help combat the vicious Negative Cycle thinking—and it starts with gratitude, that grows and begets itself. It flips my thinking and outlook on life like this: Saying thankful prayers for all I have, writing a gratitude list each day, and performing random acts of kindness or service that lift me and others at the same time.

It truly works.

I recently heard a woman say in a meeting: “My sponsor told me that I shouldn’t pray for things to be alright. But, rather, pray for me to be alright with things.” That’s a whole different mindset of acceptance— the way things are, not as I would have them be.

What a relief.

You might want to try it too.

“Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Matthew 11:29-30

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SECRET WEAPON

Shhhh!

Don’t tell anybody, but I have a secret weapon—it works on anything for me. I can use it when... I feel fear, when I feel threatened, when people are coming against me, when the world seems crazy and confused, when I feel I don’t belong, when I feel dismissed, when I feel disappointed in people—all of it.

The trouble is I forget.

When I was drinking, I thought it was all up to me, so I would drink and it would calm me down and I would not have to be tormented by dealing with it or playing it in my head over and over again. Drinking was my temporary solution and all it did was confuse me more and give me a hangover.

Now that I am sober, I need to use other alternatives to help me cope. I forget I have access to the greatest power in the universe at any moment in time.

Prayer—That’s my secret weapon.

And, it can be yours too. The coolest part about it is, if I remember to pray and ask for strength, I can even do it in the moment of my greatest fear—in silence—when something is actually happening, right then.

Powerful tool.

The other cool thing about it is that it works. It instantly calms me down with the connection to God, Helps me to clear my head of the noise of the world around me at that moment. Helps me to focus on asking for peace and help for the other person in distress as I pray for them silently, helps me focus on the fact that I cannot affect what’s going on alone—I need God’s help. Prayer helps me focus on the bigger picture and not the small problem right in front of me. It helps me center and focus on God’s will for me and the power to carry that out.

I like knowing I have this secret weapon. It is like a shield and wall of protection from all the chaos that can and will come at me during the day. When peace comes, I am so much more ready to serve you and get out of myself and out of God’s way.

Another cool thing is that YOU can have this weapon too.

Try it. Pray silently and ask God to be there with you and help when you feel fear. See what happens. Then look for the evidence of God’s hand in the outcome.

“Pray continually.” 1 Thessalonians 5:17

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THEY'RE JUST WORDS...

Seriously?

Words can cripple or words can heal.

You’re a drunk. You’re crazy. You’re fat. You’re too skinny. You’re messed up. You’re an idiot. What do you know? Who wants to hear from you? You’re too young. Too old. What you think doesn’t matter.

Those kinds of words could send me into isolation and drinking. Not only said by others to me, but said to me in my own voice! Negative self-talk. When I was buzzed, the voice would stop and I would not care.

I have carried this kind of thinking around for far too long.

Word-wounds.

When I got sober and started to share my journey in words with others, I realized I was being healed!

Just by my words.

My mind that was full of word-wounds was healing as I flipped each word phrase around.

It can work for you too. Flip the negative words in your own head and then share with others.

You look great today. You seem peaceful and centered. You are so smart and full of wisdom. You are wise for your age. What you have to say matters to me. I love your smile. How can I encourage you today?

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up...” 1 Thessalonians 5:11

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