THINKING MY WAY OUT

You can't think your way into a new way of living...you have to live your way into a new way of thinking.

Surrender territory

Wow. I love that. It is so true. I heard this in a meeting and it resonated with me.

I thought I could think my way out of everything under my own power when I was drinking. My best thinking got me drunk every time.

“If I can just figure this out and manipulate a way around this problem, it will go away.” The hard part about this is that some problems don’t have a simple “think around.” So in my obsessive thinking, I would always end up frustrated and back to drinking to stop my thinking.

Now, there’s a brilliant solution! Well, it worked—temporarily.

When I finally tried not drinking and I surrendered to God, I realized how simple it was—let God take control. In that moment, The opposite of what you think should happen—happens. When I surrender, I am not giving up—I am gaining access to the greatest power in the universe.

God. Unstoppable.

I had tried to stop drinking for over thirty years on my own. In one simple move of surrender to God, my obsession to drink was lifted. The veil over my life was gone. The fog had cleared just like that! I am not saying I don’t struggle or have struggles. My solution has changed.

I was free to stop figuring it out. I could live now, freed up to not have the answer to everything.

My new way of thinking is living my surrender each day.

Try it. It works.

“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.”

James 4:10

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EACH ONE TEACH ONE

The phrase originated in the United States during slavery, when Africans were denied education, including learning to read. Many if not most enslaved people were kept in a state of ignorance about anything beyond their immediate circumstances which were under control of owners, the law makers and authorities. When an enslaved person learned or was taught to read, it became his duty to teach someone else, spawning the phrase "Each one teach one" (Wikipedia)

I love this.

I think when I got sober, I learned another meaning of this phrase, Each One Teach One.

It is essentially the spirit of the 12th step. “ Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”

To carry the message of how to stay sober to another suffering soul. Just like someone did for me. Yes, that is what I do now. Shine the light for others.

How?

Service—the fastest way out of my own selfish thinking is to help another in need. Reaching out that helping hand.

Now it’s your turn.

Go teach another how to do this sober life by showing them the way.

Each one, teach one.

“Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you may also be tempted.”

Galatians 6:1

WELCOME HOME

I have just returned from the island of Kauai, celebrating a reunion of my family I had not seen in a while. What a homecoming. While there, I had the privilege of returning to a morning AA meeting I had attended twelve years prior in Lydgate Park, not five minutes from our condo.

Although it wasn’t the same people, it was the same welcoming I had those long years before when I was only three years sober.

Hui Ohana — The name of the meeting: Gathering of Family

There I was 2500 miles from my own home, and these bright faces were welcoming me home. Represented in this photo (below), drawn into the dirt in the center of of four picnic tables making a circle for our meeting, was this iconic message: WELCOME HOME

You can just make out the drawing in the center. A triangle, within a circle surrounded by a heart, with the words, “welcome home” drawn around the heart. Gathering that morning as the roosters crowed and the sun was rising at 7 am, a woman jumped up excitedly as we watch her draw this in the center of our gathered meeting of about twenty people. She had a stick that looked like it was the “official” stick (one probably for this specific purpose and that service position!) and she drew this message in the carefully-raked dirt.

I began to weep. Not in sadness. But for the joy, that I could go anywhere in the world and find a meeting and sit down and be welcomed home. All gathering for one purpose:

To stay sober, support each other and hear God’s voice comfort us on this path of sobriety through the words of each other. Family gathering. Hui Ohana.

So appropriately named.

What a blessing. I am grateful.

“For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in”

Matthew 25:35

CORE IDENTITY

When people ask me now, “Why do you say you are an alcoholic when you don’t drink anymore?”

Good question.

Most would think, “You’re fixed. You’re healed. You don’t have a problem anymore.” I find the better phrase for that is in recovery because it’s a process. Ongoing. I’ll never be fixed. Cured. I must me ever-vigilant with the process of recovery.

My core identity is not being an alcoholic—When I say, “Hi, I’m Heidi, I am an alcoholic.” I am not saying that to tell you who I am so much as where I have been, so that you can identify and connect. My identity is not what I am doing but who I am being. Service keeps me out of my own head and out there in the world focusing on you instead of me.

I am a child of God. That is my core identity. Everything comes out of that Truth. Every thought, every behavior and every action.

This past year I have chosen to start each day with this prayer. It helped me tremendously throughout the day. It is the Third Step Prayer from AA that goes like this:

God, I offer myself to Thee - To build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always! Amen.

My favorite line of the prayer is “Relieve me of the bondage of self.” The second I say this out loud, I can feel myself relax and surrender. Get me out of the way!

Try this when you start your day and see how your focus changes. I am praying that your light will shine for others as you go out into the world.

“Be still, and know that I am God.”

Psalm 46:10

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NO MORE EXCUSES

I had plenty of excuses to drink. Everything was a good reason. Then, I didn’t even need to have an excuse to drink. Upsetting circumstances were always the thing that would take me down deep into drinking.

When I got sober, I learned that good and bad stuff still happens in life. I realized that circumstances could not be my excuse anymore.

Someone said to me, “You have what you want in life or—you have the excuses why you don’t have what you want in life.” That was a powerful thought for me. I had a say in how it went. I knew that I was powerless over alcohol, and that I needed help from God every day to choose to live without drinking. I also have a responsibility to choose to live my life again—or anew—without excuses.

I will always have circumstances that challenge me. It is how I handle them that matters most now that alcohol is not the solution anymore.

I was fifty years old before I quit drinking. Many get it long before I did. I guess I am a slow learner. I tried for many years to stop drinking on my own and could not do it. When I finally turned my will and life over to God and asked for help, that is when it all fell into place. The miracle began.

Now, my life is beyond my wildest dreams. Still challenging, but I can do it all with the help of others like myself and with trust in God. I don’t have to understand how it works, I just have to have faith. When each new day dawns, I am grateful for another chance to be present, sober and help somebody else.

If I can do this, you can too!

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. ”

Proverbs 3:5-6

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MESS BECOMES MY MESSAGE

I didn’t want to become an alcoholic when I was young. I didn’t want to BE and alcoholic when I was and active one. And, most of all, I didn’t want to admit I was an alcoholic when I was near the bottom. My life was a mess. Just messy. I was out of control. Yuck.

When I did finally admit it, everything changed.

I got busy being sober, staying sober and helping others to get sober and stay sober.

My mess became my message. Now I just show up and tell my story. A message of hope. If I can do this life without alcohol, so can you. That’s the message. God did for me what I could not do for myself. I realized that being an alcoholic and now being in recovery gave me a new purpose—

To help others like myself.

I had to BE an alcoholic to be able to help one like myself —Takes one to know one.

You are in a unique position to help others just by your experience.

My credibility skyrocketed when, with God’s help, I was able to step out of that mess and into the message I was to carry. To show others that they could do what I had done. God can use a broken thing like me.

Broken people break things. Hurt people, hurt people.

Healed people heal people!

That’s what we do now that we are in the process of healing...we help heal others.

In this way, we continue to heal ourselves.

What a concept.

Service. Giving way what was so freely given to us.

“Persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”

2 Corinthians 4:9

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IT'S FIVE O'CLOCK SOMEWHERE

Every celebration was an excuse to drink for me. Because, of course, it was 5pm somewhere wasn’t it?

Then it was 4pm, then 2pm, then all day long. Then, I wasn’t sure if I ever had minutes in a day where I wasn’t intoxicated. The end. That’s my story. Well, the drinking part of my story.

So, how did I stop?

Frankly, there can be only one way. Surrender to God. Period. I was flat on the floor one minute, and relieved of my obsession and sober the next.

Huh?

That’s just crazy. Or—

Maybe evidence that God can take away the obsession when asked. I drank for 30 years straight never being able to stop on my own. Why now?

True submission and surrender to God.

I say true, because I had asked God many times to help me stop—I really didn’t mean it. I wanted Him to help me manage my drinking—which, of course, was unmanageable. I wanted God to help me, but just don’t take the alcohol away completely!

Whew. Okay, this is the season for lots of alcohol everywhere. Thanksgiving, then Christmas parties, work parties, events, whatever—all reasons to celebrate.

If you are new in sobriety, here are a few suggestions for how to get through the holiday parties:

1) Have a plan—come to the party early and leave early.

2) Go with a sober relative or friend.

3) Come prepared with a water, your own drink or juice in hand.

4) When alcohol is offered, you don’t have to have a reason why you’re refusing. “No Thank You” works.

5) Have your own car

6) When the drinking feels like it is escalating, politely excuse yourself and leave.

7) This worked for me early in sobriety, and now, too. When you leave the party, don’t forget to thank God for your sobriety and for getting you through another day and another party sober.

Good plan. Repeat.

Alcohol is everywhere. You can’t avoid being with people because it is there. The challenge is to figure out how to be in the mix but not mixed up in the mess, right? When you have a few successes knowing you can go to parties without having to drink, suddenly, you realize that you don’t need alcohol to have fun, love life, and celebrate with others.

You are retraining your brain.

“Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. His love endures forever.”

Psalm 136:1

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BEAUTY FROM ASHES

This unusually orange sunset is because of smoke that has covered our entire Bay Area this past week as the result of a devastating fire that took out the entire town of Paradise, California. This photo looks like a shot from a figurative paradise, with the hummingbird, whose normal state is frantically buzzing its wings, sitting in silence gazing through the haze.

The city of Paradise is silent in ruins. Nothing left. Lives lost. A picture of devastation.

My heart is broken for all those who lost loved ones, animals, their homes, livelihoods, businesses, schools, churches—all signs of thriving life. My prayers are that you would be able to begin again. Have hope again, Thrive again. Loss is so hard. So debilitating. Sometimes freezing us in place unable to move forward.

Unparalleled distress can set the stage for unparalleled deliverance. The toughest things in life that we have to face can be where God does his richest work. If we trust him and turn it over to him just when we think we can’t bear it any more, we will be delivered to the other side of it.

Death and loss took me to my bottom in my alcoholism. I almost died in my late stages of the disease. I made it out alive. By the Grace of God and putting my trust and faith where it belonged—in HIM, not in me. I had to start over with a new me—with the help of others who stood in the gap for me, providing hope when I had none, helping me physically get back to health and learn new ways of living. Letting other people help me, when I could not help myself.

I am here to tell you that if you are still alive, there is still hope. Let people help you physically and spiritually in any way they are able to give to you and encourage you. Be willing to accept people praying for your strength and for your courage to go on. I don’t know who you are, but, I am one of those praying for you now.

Out of devastation comes stories of the unexpected—gifts of money, food, clothing and shelter. I am looking forward to hearing all of the stories of victory that come out of loss—how hope is restored. Beauty from the ashes.

For now, be comforted today by all of those praying for you and by our Gracious God carrying you when you can’t carry yourselves.

“The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.”

Isaiah 61:1-3

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LIGHTING THE CANDLE OF HOPE

Dictionary definition of HOPE:

“A feeling of expectation or desire for something to happen; grounds for believing that something good may happen.”

My Higher Power is the spirit of the universe — GOD — a tremendous source of strength that is always with me unless I allow resentment to separate me from the sunlight of the spirit.

The Spirit of God has been born in me through faith. Through sharing, service and giving hope to others. God does not cause tragedy or find you parking places. He is much bigger than that.

I watch hopeless alcoholics walk into meeting rooms every day, grab a hold of hope (of which I may possibly give them a glimpse) and begin a renewal of the spirit within themselves.

This is God–Higher Power–Spirit–whatever you want to call it.

It is not self. Not you. Not me.

We cannot access this universal power through our own self will. Surrendering self, we find all the power we need. MORE than enough. Overwhelming power that we never dreamed of, that carries us through “situations that used to baffle us.”

I am energized and excited by watching transformation happen every day in alcoholics finding strength in being with us, surrendering to the process, and feeling hope again.

Through my showing up, service, and reaching out to another alcoholic, I just might help re-light the candle of hope in someone, helping them to access the power that was available to them all along.

So simple, but not easy.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

Romans 15:13

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NO IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE

“No.”— A complete sentence.

No — period.

My sponsor told me this early in sobriety. I have a problem saying “no” to people. I don’t want to disappoint them, so I say “yes” and play the martyr role and “resent” instead. Which is a lot healthier, right?

No.

By not saying what I mean, I buy many more problems and situations to unravel later. When “No.” releases us right now.

I have also heard this helpful saying:

“Say what you mean. Mean what you say. And, don’t say it mean.”

Now, if I could only do this.

“And don’t say anything you don’t mean. This counsel is embedded deep in our traditions. You only make things worse when you lay down a smoke screen of pious talk, saying, ‘I’ll pray for you,’ and never doing it, or saying, ‘God be with you,’ and not meaning it. You don’t make your words true by embellishing them with religious lace. In making your speech sound more religious, it becomes less true. Just say ‘yes’ and ‘no.’ When you manipulate words to get your own way, you go wrong.”

Matthew 5:33-37 The Message Translation

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SELF-CARE VS SELF-INDULGENCE

I heard a friend with long-term sobriety tell her story the other day and she made the topic of discussion after she spoke, “What do you do for self-care to maintain your sobriety?”

Immediately, I thought of how selfish I was as an active alcoholic. Now, in my sobriety, I struggle with the line between self-care and self-indulgence—the latter leading me back to my selfish nature, which will surely take me back to wanting to check out!

I have to go back to God’s Will, not mine, be done. Not always easy to do.

My “go-to” for getting out of selfish mode, is to help someone else in need. Go to a meeting and reach out to another struggling alcoholic. Call somebody who is struggling. Help somebody by listening. Sponsoring other women is a “high” for me. But too much of that can be draining.

The trouble with this for me is that I can go all in and go overboard on the “helping thing” (one of my character defects) and lose myself in the process, becoming drained. At that point I am helping at the expense of myself, which, makes me irritable and discontent.

This is a slippery slope.

Self-care is the antidote, but I struggle with feeling selfish when I do something just for me. I have to say out loud to myself, “Heidi, it’s ok to NOT help somebody else today. Just take care of you and concentrate on filling your reservoir back up.” You can’t help someone else when your reservoir is empty.

One thing I do for self-care is golf with my sober friend. It gets me out in the open air exercising and not thinking for a few hours. If I am having a not-so-great round, it becomes a walk in the park. Yesterday, we almost had the course to ourselves and as I strolled peacefully to the next tee box, I looked up and saw these palm trees above me. God’s grace washed over me and I felt filled again and at peace. Nature always does that for me. Ahhh, self-care can be wonderful, arming me once again for the service that I am so grateful to be able to do—now that I am sober.

Showing up for others sober is the high I seek now.

Helping YOU is my drug of choice.

“How can I help?”

“For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.”

Romans 12:3

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AA IS FOR QUITTERS

Well, of course it is.

I heard someone who is a big drinker say that so-and-so stopped drinking and is now going to AA meetings.

He then said, “As I always say, AA is for quitters.”

Duh.

He really meant it as a put-down for people who can’t handle their drinking (like he can), so they have to stop. It also screams loudly of his own denial that he can’t quit, so he has to brag that it’s a virtue to be able to keep drinking.

In sports a “quitter” is a wimp. In the realm of alcohol, a “quitter” is the star.

Drinking, getting drunk, and finding others to endorse that behavior is easy. Quitting a destructive lifestyle and having the guts to tell others about it is the tougher road.

Quitting drinking to have a better life is not for wimps. I applaud those with the strength to quit that lifestyle and live in healthy purpose.

I pray for those who are not ready to quit.

I’m holding a seat for you in the meeting.

“…put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”

Ephesians 4:22-24

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COSIGNING BEHAVIOR

Definition (slang) of COSIGN: to propound; acknowledge and accept partial responsibility for the presence/actions of another person and the effects thereof.

While drinking, I would find people to hang with who drank more than me—people who would cosign that behavior, making it more comfortable for me to continue. My friends cosigned my drinking. As in, “misery loves company.” I got to hide a little better hanging with friends who drank like me because it seemed more normal that way.

Normal. What is normal? I’ve heard it said that it’s a setting on a washing machine. There is no normal with drinking.

If I was going to stay sober, I had to decide to hang around people who didn’t drink, preferably people in sobriety that knew the struggle themselves — hanging with like-minded people made it easier to go forward and not have drinking as a temptation.

Definition of DECIDE: To induce to come to a choice

History and Etymology of DECIDE: From Latin decidere, literally, to cut off, from de- + caedere to cut

I love that the word DECIDE, literally means to CUT OFF. Now, I have only sober friends who cosign my sobriety. This works much better for me, and for them. I literally had to cut off my drinking friends at first to help stop my own cycle. Many years later, I can now be around people who drink and not have it affect me, but in early sobriety, it just made it harder. Many days in a row of knowing I can live this life without drinking taught me that I didn’t have to make drinking my first solution to any problem.

Part of staying sober is learning new behaviors that serve me to replace the old behaviors that didn’t. Stopping drinking is just the beginning. My thinking had to be addressed for behaviors to change. Now, I can look at my life and decide what is working and what is not and actually look at changing those behaviors to other healthier behaviors.

Now, my new behaviors in place are: Talking to God—praying, talking to my sponsor or talking to others in sobriety, going to meetings and hanging with people who cosign all of this behavior!

Try it.

Works for me.

It just might work for you!

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”

James 5:16

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MENTAL HEALTH

Today I am grateful for my own mental health in the form of sobriety.

Addiction falls into the category of Mental Health issues. I am an alcoholic in recovery, one day at a time, for 5204 days in a row. Whew. What a miracle.

When I got sober, by the Grace of God, I realized how much more work I had to do on my mind after taking the barrier of alcohol out of the equation. Stopping drinking was just the beginning. For many, there are serious underlying issues that are hidden under our addiction. When the curtain of addiction is pulled up and removed, light is shed on issues like, suppressed anger from the past, grief, depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, thoughts of suicide, and many more.

Some of us need more help with these issues but are ashamed to seek outside help. We are slowly bringing this out of the darkness and into the light. In the past, these were thought of as “mental illness” issues. Oddly enough, if we have a physical illness, we seek help for that without a thought. As we continue to learn going forward, we can begin to understand that these issues are Mental HEALth problems—

No, I didn’t make a mistake in my typing.

I meant to highlight that the word HEAL is inside the word Health. Healing is acknowledging and seeking help with maintaining our bodies— both physically and mentally.

There’s so much stigma associated with mental health. I love that we are finally shedding the cloak of shame that surrounds us about it and putting on the garment of love, tolerance, understanding and acceptance.

I am so proud of Twin Lakes Church for hosting a Mental Health Gathering this weekend to educate people on the resources available to all for family and friends to get the help they need.

I pray that I can be source of light to someone who needs a hand coming out of hiding.

“But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.”

Ephesians 5:13

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I’LL HAVE MINE STRAIGHT UP

Yes, that’s when it all spiraled down to the bottom—when I switched from many (many) beers in a row, to gin—straight up. Hidden everywhere and then hidden in plain sight. In my water bottle with me wherever I was. Around the clock. All the time. Straight up.

I knew I had to stop, or while driving I would kill myself or somebody else. But at that point, I could not stop. My body wouldn’t let me. So I continued a while longer.

I woke up from a blackout at 3:30 pm sitting on the futon in my office looking down at the faces of my two dogs staring at me. Had I fed them? Had they been out today? Had I driven? What had I done?

Panic.

I HAD to be finished. At that very moment I knew I was finished drinking.

That’s when I looked straight up and uttered the words,

“Help me, God.”

And He did. The very moment I surrendered, He lifted my obsession.

I haven’t had a drink since that day in July 2004—one day at a time. My husband has crafted a little number for each of my days of sobriety starting with day one. I carry it in my pocket like a jewel. Every day.

Now I have my life straight up!

Surrender is simple, but not easy. If I can do it so can you.

“...I have come that you may have life, and have it to the full.”

John 10:10b

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DISQUALIFIED

I am remembering today about swimming competitively when I was twelve-years old. I had always idolized my older brother and followed him into competetive swimming.

My brother was going to be a lane judge in an upcoming swim meet. It was a “B” meet, which was a level higher than I had ever competed before and it took winning various levels to get there. My brother had warned me that if I did not touch with two hands on my breast stroke turn, that he would have to disqualify me. He warned me more than once.

I didn’t believe him. Especially being his sister. He wouldn’t do that to me, would he?

He did.

Because he loved me and wanted me to compete fairly.

I didn’t touch with both hands on my turn in the meet, being in such a hurry and in compete-mode. I was pleased to win second place and immediately disappointed to learn I had been disqualified and knew it was my brother who had done it. All he said to me was, “I warned you.”

It was a great lesson I learned that day—one I never knew would apply in such a dramatic way later in my life. I was two years sober and my sponsor was coaching me through an intervention on my brother. I was tormented by dreams of him dying of his alcoholism. He was about to celebrate his 55th birthday and I didn’t want to see him die. His drinking had hit an all-time high.

I realized as I remembered this swimming incident from my past, that the tables were turned now. I was struggling with calling him on his drinking and suggesting he go into treatment—disqualifying him from life’s race (as he was swimming it), if you will.

I know it took guts to do what my brother did for me so many years ago—for my own good. In remembering this, we went forward and did the intervention on him for his own good and because we loved him. Our mom, his wife and I sat at the kitchen table and told him lovingly about our concern for him. He told us he had been waiting for it, knowing I had gotten sober two years prior.

He caved quite easily. Needless to say, he made it to his 55th birthday thirty-five days later.

He is now sober and competing fairly in life again. We are both putting sobriety first place in our lives now—all of life’s good things follow after that.

Our love for each other is deeper and richer as the result of us calling each other on the hard things. We are accountable to each other, to our family, and to God.

I pray that by hearing this, it may give you hope to support your own struggling family member with love.

“Take good counsel and accept correction—that’s the way to live wisely and well. We humans keep brainstorming options and plans, but God’s purpose prevails.”

Proverbs 19:20-21 The Message Translation

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HOW COULD I NOT GO?

Four years ago, I heard from a friend who had been on many mission trips to Zambia, Africa. She had talked to a pastor there who had alcoholics coming into his church and wanted to know what he should do. My friend called me, knowing I was in recovery.

I went online to find a meeting there. Realizing that the nearest one was over 50 miles away and very few people there have cars, I decided to prepare materials for them on how to start a meeting. I went to my recovery group meetings at my church and got funding to buy books to send. I packed up the books, included notes on how to run a meeting, and merrily sent off the package to Africa. The package got stuck in customs and never arrived. Four months went by.

I was very disappointed.

Months later, out of the clear blue, I heard this distinct message from God,

“I didn’t want you to send books. I wanted to send YOU.”

I did NOT want to go to Africa, but I knew in that moment I would go. How could I not go?

Not only was I in Zambia talking to women about alcoholism on the exact day I got sober exactly ten years prior, I was speaking on the hour I got sober. God was very specific about where I should be on that day. Not in a million years did I think that I would be talking to people in Africa ten years later about staying sober—I was just trying to stop drinking for that day in July of 2004!

My eyes were opened wide to the bigness of the problem there of alcoholism, AIDS, domestic abuse, large families living in small spaces and not enough food. Have you ever felt like a problem or challenge was too big? That whatever you did, would not even dent the problem—Nothing you could do would make a difference? Would ever be enough?

While in Zambia, I spoke to the pastors’ wives about my own alcoholism and recovery, then visited that pastor. As I sat across from him in his dirt-floor church talking about his meeting for alcoholics, I realized that God had taken me halfway around the world to encourage this one man about how to help—and that was enough. I was doing my part and God was doing the heavy lifting and changing hearts.

Now, my purpose since I have gotten sober is to carry this message to anyone who struggles with addiction as I have struggled in the past—one soul at a time, one day at a time.

And, to bring hope and let you know that there is a solution. My hope is that this weekly blog and my recovery books lift you on your recovery journey or will encourage someone you are concerned about to remain hopeful.

“Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?” And I said, “Here am I. Send me!””

Isaiah 6:8

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WISH I DIDN'T KNOW NOW—

“Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then...” a line from a Toby Keith song — should be the caption on this photo. Innocence.

This is me as a three-year-old in 1957. There it is. Now you know how old I am.

This photo was taken in the little cabin my grandparents built that stood on this property where our current house was built 40 years later. We are still in this house. In fact, my art studio is in this same location where I am standing in the photo. If this little girl were to walk forward about five steps and sit down, it would be where her future self is sitting and writing this blog right now. So cool to think about for me.

I am a painter, designer, photographer, and writer — creating in the studio of my dreams, built by the man of my dreams, on historic family property that we so gratefully acquired, living the American dream.

Wouldn’t you know it, I still became an alcoholic. What is up with that?

For me addiction and alcoholism is not about circumstance, it is about what our literature calls, “an allergy of the body and an obsession of the mind.” I am allergic to alcohol and drugs, and have stinking thinking. When I put alcohol or mind-altering drugs in my body, I cut myself off from the sunlight of the Spirit. When I stopped that behavior, I still had my obsessive thinking. I had to learn new behaviors to replace the old, so I could function without substances. That’s where you come in — and others. I learned so much in meetings. We can’t do this alone. And, for me, without God.

I didn’t know this until I hit my bottom in 2004. I was a functioning alcoholic up until that point. We can go through life drinking and drugging and still go to school, get married (several times), have jobs, build houses — some of us losing it all before our bottoms — thankfully, I didn’t have to lose it all.

I didn’t know all of this was going to happen in my life standing there as a toddler in this photo. Sometimes I wish “I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then.” but then, again, if I didn’t go through all of that and eventually hit my bottom, admit I was powerless, turn to God and start really living in 2004 — I would not be living the life I have been given right now.

I wouldn’t change a thing.

The beauty of this recovery thing is that we can start again at any moment by surrendering and becoming humble again.

Right now. You can do it at any moment.

Surrender.

I did and I am forever grateful to God for the second chance at a full life.

“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.”

James 4:10

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AS SICK AS OUR SECRETS

You can’t heal what you won't reveal.

Secrets—keep addiction firmly in place. Telling the truth—brings our addictions into the light and helps us take the power out of it—giving us a chance at recovery.

Freedom—like this pelican flying free in the light.

Freedom from carrying the weight of the shame that keeps us from growing and changing, and allowing us to be more available to serve others. Sometimes sharing our shame, not only frees us, but can help others identify and come forward into recovery too.

The healing begins when we shine light on our darkest secrets.

The dictionary defines SECRET as: 

a : kept from knowledge or view : hidden
b : marked by the habit of discretion : closemouthed
c : working with hidden aims or methods : undercover
d : not acknowledged

Wow. My drinking was all of that—hidden, I didn’t talk about it (if I didn’t talk about it, it wasn’t really happening.) I was undercover and sneaky. I didn’t acknowledge my obsession to you OR me! These are all unpleasant realities, so I was in denial about it all.

The definition of DENIAL is:
Refusing to admit the truth or reality of something unpleasant

I think that denial as a defense mechanism works for only so long, then the denial starts to work against us, keeping behaviors in place that don’t serve us anymore.

Obviously, some truths need to be carefully revealed, if they affect others, but this is where working with another person to process things can be so helpful. Keeping it in the dark only gives it power.

The truth really will set you free and begin the healing process.

Try it.

It’s the easier, softer way.

“No one lights a lamp and hides it in a clay jar or puts it under a bed. Instead, they put it on a stand, so that those who come in can see the light. For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open.”

Luke 8:16-17

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IT'S NOT JUST A SCORE

When anyone looks at this photo, they see just a flag and a final score on a high school football scoreboard.

When I look a this photo, I have tears in my eyes. It represents so much more for me.

It is full circle for our family:

This is Leland High School in San Jose. This stadium was renamed after Pat Tillman was killed in Afghanistan in 2004. He gave up a lucrative pro football career with the Arizona Cardinals to become an Army Ranger and serve. He gave his life in service for his country. He grew up in San Jose and went to Leland High School sporting the number 42 on his jersey.

Fast-forward to 2018—All three of my grandsons play football. My stepson played on this field and went on to college football. His wife’s father coached football on this field and now her brother coaches the Los Gatos High School JV team. I guess you could say we are a football family.

My older two grandsons are now playing football for Los Gatos High School. Ryan, a senior on varsity, and Adam a sophomore on Junior Varsity. My youngest, Scott, plays Pop Warner football.

Pat was their uncle.

This was the final score last Friday night for the JV game—almost eerie. Adam now wears his uncle’s number 42 in his honor. Both boys and their teams played their hearts out on this field and won their games that night.

It’s not just a score.

This photo is full circle for me:

A series of events took me to my bottom of drinking. Pat’s death was one of those events. I got sober soon after Pat’s death in 2004. Pat made a difference in his life by showing up for service. I realized by his death, that to make a difference, I had to start showing up for service in my life—sober. The flag and the scoreboard represent service, sacrifice, achievement, making a difference and hope for the future—My grandsons have never seen me drink. I get to show up sober for their lives. Death does not take me down any more, and I have experienced many deaths in my 14 years of sobriety.

Now I try to live my life as an example of hope—of how to walk the hard stuff, like death, in sobriety. I am not saying it’s easy, but now, I get to feel the pain and press through it without checking out.

If I can do it, so can you.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Romans 8:28

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