It came to me the other day that my drinking was willful blindness. Mindless decisions. Drink. Have fun and not think. Then oblivion.
What is willful blindness?
“Turning a blind eye to the truth in order to feel safe, to avoid conflict, reduce anxiety and fear.”
I can identify with all of those things. Reaching for alcohol was the easy way to avoid any kind of pain associated with facing conflict, anxiety and fear. It was easy for a while. Temporary solution. Then it wasn’t.
When I woke to reality again, I realized that I had solved nothing. All I had done was make my body suffer, postpone thoughts, reinforced my fears, created MORE anxiety, and worst of all, the conflict was still there. Addiction defies logic.
Isolation became the only way I felt safe. This cycle continued for many years, until it didn’t feel real anymore. I was looking at the world from a very lonely place. I knew that God had more for me and this couldn’t be my ultimate purpose. I didn’t know how to live my life without alcohol. People ask, “Can’t you just stop?"
If I could have stopped on my own, I would have.
The only way out for me was surrender to God. “God help me. I can’t do this without you.”
If I had known it was as simple as handing over the car keys to God, I may have done it sooner in my life. I had been wrestling with God for so many years. I wanted to be in HIS WILL, but how was I to know that would work. All I could see was me. Wasn’t it up to me? My own will and choice in all matters. God gave us free will, right? Wasn’t “turning it over to God” abdicating any responsibility for what should be my choice?
No—Exactly the opposite. When I finally turned my will over to God and asked for His help, I was relieved of that bondage of self. The power I gained to go forward and partner in my thinking with God, was astounding. The magic of this is that you don’t get to know that and truly experience the force of the power that is available to you until you trust. Trust that God will show up. Be there to help.
Try it. I did.
And, my life has not been the same since the day I turned my will over to God. The obsession to drink, or do anything to avoid feeling pain, has been lifted. My power source to move into God’s Will has been effortless. Oh, I forget that I am not in control, for sure. I have to say the Third Step Prayer to remind myself each day.
This prayer helps me step out of God’s way so I can be of service to others:
Third Step Prayer
God, I offer myself to Thee, to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always! Amen
“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Isaiah 41:10
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