When I was in my active addiction, I had always had a problem with knowing where the line was between Service and Codependency.
After I got sober, and completed the 12 Steps, it was answered for me in an AA meeting. When someone told me their definition of Codependency: Helping others at the expense of myself. That really made a difference to me in how I help others.
I get to ask myself two questions:
1) What is my motivation in helping or serving?
2) What am I expecting?
If I am “clear” on those two questions, which only I can answer, I can happily say that I am serving in a healthy way. It may look to others on the surface that I am doing the right and righteous thing, but if those answers are fraught with ulterior motives and grand expectations, disappointment will follow.
Motivation Example: If my motivation is for that person to like me, or be indebted to me or make me look good—that is not clear—that is muddled in the intention and becomes about me.
Expectation Example: If I am looking for payback in some way for what I have done, that is not clean. If I am expecting a thank you or acknowledgment in any way, that’s about me, too.
There is also the “at the expense of myself” aspect of service with codependency. If I walk away with resentments, exhaustion and feeling defeat because I helped you, I have served at the expense of myself.
If I have served with no motivation or expectation of payback, I can walk away with my head held high and be joyful that I have been useful to others serving through my own transformation.
I have to observe and protect that line between the two reverently, so I can go about God’s work through me in a healthy way. I will continue to ask those two questions of myself while serving. Then, be on my way, asking for God’s clear discernment for where I should joyfully serve.
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