I loved it—feeling no pain. Alcohol did that for me. Don’t we all love to avoid pain?—insults, slander, fear of rejection, not measuring up, judgement, disappointment, loss, and grief—big rocks of pain we carry around.
Alcohol was my solution. It was my only way out of feeling that pain. It felt like I was stepping on land mines of pain that only exploded within. Nobody could see the damage the pain was causing inside. I was busy walking around with skin on and a raw soul that was bleeding internally.
God’s grace is the only power that breaks through the veneer of perfection and performance on our outside to get to the vast sea of shame on the inside, if we let Him in. I heard someone say,
“Alcoholism is suicide on the installment plan.”
That makes it real.
I took this photo of a bar in Zambia, the “Be Yourself Bar.” That used to be a picture of my truth. I needed alcohol to be myself, to make my inside match my outside. The trouble is that it was a lie.
When I replaced alcohol with God as my solution—the healing began. My inside actually started to match my outside and I became the authentic me. The me that God intended. I could be myself without hiding. I get to feel the pain and press through it with others like myself and realize that I am not alone.
I can hand all the pain over to God.
What a relief.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart,
and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30
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