Fight or flight?
There is something in between. A lesson I learned from my brother before I got sober. It has surfaced in my memory as a tool I use now in sobriety—Stay and be a cloud.
I have always had a hard time with conflict of any kind. Avoidance was my plan of action. In my drinking days, I would either push back, blow up the conflict and drink more—making it worse for me and for others—or just run and drink more. The trick I learned has to do with “Reacting or responding”
My brother said to me, “Heidi, be a cloud.”
What?
When someone comes at you with unwanted conflict, you can push back and react. This is how to instantly engage in the conflict. If you just listen, and don’t push back, there is no place for the aggression to land, diffusing it a bit. You can receive it and let it go and not react. When the other person realizes that you are not going to engage, the aggression blows by you like you are a cloud—you don’t have to run.
This does a few things: It diffuses the aggression and possibly makes the other person realize it is not yours to deal with, giving them a chance to own it. It gives you a minute to think of a grace-filled response—not react or engage.
I use this a lot to figure out if this conflict is mine to carry or if I can let it go, not engage and pray for that person. There is always more behind any interaction.
When I was drinking, the chaos that ensued when I engaged with that person was the cause of a lot of anxiety for me and others around me. When I took the alcohol out of the picture, I could think clearly and then know I had a choice.
After working the 12 Steps, I understood that I always have a part in whatever interaction I have. I don’t get to blame others for how it turns out for me. Now, I have tools to deal with others’ anger and my own anger, as well.
If I am the one perpetrating the aggression, I get to own it, apologize for it and restart that conversation. In every interaction I get to ask myself two questions:
1 — What is my motivation?
2 — What are my expectations?
The answers to those two questions helps me decide how I will go forward—or not.
Try being a cloud. It works for me.
“Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.”
James 1:19
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